News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
January 2004 - June 2004
Dateline January 27, 2004
BAY AREA DRUG RUNNERS
By Ms I.N. Formed
(South County, CA) California Drug Enforcement Agency officials have begun closing in on a South County based Drug ring known as the South Co. Family. The head of this ring, a man only known as "Tyson," has recently been seen in the vicinity of San Jose and it is believed that he may be organizing his shipments through some of the many small charter airlines based in the area.
Most companies we contacted either had not seen Tyson or refused to admit that they had, although Pier Glass Aviation pilot Jon "Not THAT Jon" Anderson recognized the description.
“He just seemed like any other customer. Sure, the clothes he was wearing were rather expensive, and I did wonder why he was wearing 14 beepers on his waist, but I figured he just liked to stay in contact at all times.”
PGA has a reputation as a company that will bend the rules to get the job done, and this wouldn’t be the first time they have been implicated in illegal activities. It is believed that one of their senior pilots, Captain Dave Spurlock, disappeared while making a flight to Africa in a C-130 Hercules loaded with drugs.
OLD RELICS VISIT OLD RELICS
By Jerry Atrick
(Sacramento, CA) The local military antique enthusiasts club has been out for their yearly excursion to the Petaluma and Sacramento Military Antique Museums. The association has spent many years collating and researching data on the fascinating relics of the American military. “Major” Kurt Luger (70), who has been president of the club for the last 30 years, told us, “We make this trip each year to ensure that these museums are being looked after and the records are all accurate. It’s our hobby and we love helping out in any way we can.”
Museum officials, however, told a different story.
"Those... guys!" fumed Petaluma director Mark Target. "They come in here every year and we can't keep them off the planes! They climb all over them, sit in the cockpits, fiddle with switches and levers, and the whole time they're hollering at each other and making engine and shooting noises... it's awful! Last year they very nearly started a P-51 in the main building! Can you imagine? Thank heavens it was out of fuel!"
Sacramento museum director, Chute Menow, tells a similar tale. "We've tried banning them, but they just don't pay any attention and keep coming back year after year. We call the cops, but they never arrive until after the so-called 'club' has left. We've considered loosening a few bolts and such to get our point across, but the board of directors decided that the liability issues outweighed the hassle of this yearly visit. So it looks like we're stuck with them."
GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS DISAPPEAR
By N Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) Three CIA officials who were reportedly in San Jose investigating the recent disappearance of PGA pilot Chadza have gone missing themselves. The agents were scheduled to interview PGA management early Sunday morning but apparently never arrived. While PGA board member Shanya “The Boss” Damerval was involved in high level meetings with potential new clients and therefore unavailable for comment, board member Lukexcom was able to spare some time to make a statement.
“We were all here on Sunday morning in readiness for the interviews. We take the disappearance of our pilots very seriously and wish to cooperate with the government in any way possible to ensure the safe return of our cherished staff members. The company is still reeling from the shock of finding out that Tony 'Bonez' Peaker had met a fateful end in Antarctica after HIS disappearance, and we are hoping to ensure that this trend does not continue.”
According to Mr. Xcom, the agents simply never showed up for the interview. Sources close to the investigation of the investigation have noted that the team's vehicle has not been located.
"Something happened between here and there," stated an anonymous official. "Whatever that something is, you can be sure that someone is going to slip up or do something someday to make it apparent what that something was, and someday we'll do something about that something. Somehow."
CARAVAN CLIPS CANADA AIR CLIPPER
By I. Saw
(Seattle, WA) Pier Glass Aviation opened the new year by recruiting new pilots and posting a new "Hub Captain." However, nothing appears to have changed.
In one incident that was being investigated until yesterday, a PGA Caravan single engine propeller driven aircraft raced a Canadian Air 737.
Flight 1024 from Toronto was on final when, according to pilot Jamie Waat, "I was on final with my gear lowered and flaps down when this small pip squeak of a plane decided to cut me off."
Captain Waat tried to execute a safe landing, but "The controllers feared the Caravan was going to land anyways, so I declared a go around."
In other words, the pilot had to turn around, delaying landing until later. Controller Betty Lands was thoroughly taken aback and said she landed the Caravan because she "knows all about those PGA pilots."
Canada Air is still deciding "whether to lodge a complaint against PGA," according to a highly placed source.
PGA senior management, on the other hand, praised the actions of the their pilot stating that the pilot is "making good use" of available funds. The fact that the investigation was cancelled and Canada Air has not filed any complaints may attest to that.
NEW PILOTS AT PGA
By Newt Pilot
(Boeing Field, WA) In a move considered to be strengthening its impact on the local air charter business, Pier Glass Aviation brought in a new pilot to the Seattle area. Within a short time, the new pilot was off ferrying students to the major aiports in the area.
Apparently, this pilot uses a Piper Arrow as his perferred aircraft. The aircraft, seen at Sea-Tac, is vaguely reminiscent of another plane flown by a different PGA pilot. However, this new aircraft is heavily painted in a "spray-can graffiti" motif.
Despite the radical paint on the plane, the pilot seems unusually level headed and experienced, which is a heck of a lot more than we can say for most PGA pilots. We wish the new pilot well in the dangerous area of Seattle, flying for the even more dangerous PGA.
IRON CURTAIN STILL HAS MAGNETIC ATTRACTION
By Rue Moore
(Anchorage, AK) The notorious Captain Geoff "Blue Baron" McLean of the even more notorious Pier Glass Aviation was spotted at Ted Stevens International Airport, looking over a shiny new Learjet that reportedly belongs to a notoriously mysterious Russian interest. A short time later, the aircraft departed PANC for Russia, with Captain Geoff listed as PIC on the flight plan.
"It figures those PGA pilots would start getting mixed up with that bunch," commented local A&P mechanic Ray Benditsome. "I heard they conned a former Reeve Aleutian pilot into flying for them by waving a shiny new King Air in front of him, and now it's a Lear for this guy. Maybe those PGA pilots just know how to drive a hard bargain."
The cargo of the aircraft is unknown, as is its final destination. Although Captain Geoff had filed for Providencia, it is a certainty that Providencia is not its final stop.
Will Captain Geoff return from Russia? Or will he be wooed away from his long-term employer by a shiny new Lear? What would the Boss say if she knew?
Stay tuned...
Dateline February 5, 2004
CRIME BOSS ESCAPES SAN QUENTIN
By Stew L. Pidjin
(Marin, CA) Notorious crime boss Hugo "Glass Balls" Earlee escaped from San Quentin Prison this week, apparetly with the help of numerous friends acting both on the inside and the outside.
Earlee, who was convicted on tax evasion and mousketeering charges five years ago, was a model prisoner and was working in the laundry at the time of his escape. Sources close to the investigation have suggested that Earlee used this position in his plan and departed the prison in the back of a laundry truck. The laundry, which is under contract to Marin Ranch, is normally checked for stowaways prior to the truck's departure. However, it appears that procedure may have been overlooked on this occasion.
Records show that, shortly after the truck signed out at the San Quentin gate, a light aircraft took off from Marin airfield and proceeded direct to San Jose International. The identity of the aircraft had not been disclosed as of press time.
Governor Schwartzenegger has announced a full-scale investigation into the incident, and promises to personally bring the wrongdoers to justice. "When I learn who did this, it's gonna be hasta la vista, baby!
NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Statistics released by the Mayor's office today show figures for black marketeering in the area are positively down on last months figures. A very relieved mayor told the monthly press conference "Our policies are working," waving the monthly document over his head as he spoke he went on to say "Small business is the real winner. The corner store can again now sell sugar, coffee and canned goods for a reasonable price. Street corners can now once again be used for legitimate purpose instead of a haven for shady characters selling questionable items."
Outside the press conference however the mood was somewhat different. Local assistant deputy of police Officer Don Trymee remarked "Yeah, well ya don't fool me. The only reason there's a drop in black marketeering is that most PGA pilots are away from the area."
Grinding a cigarette butt into the ground with the heel of his boot, Officer Trymee went on to snarl,
"I happen to know one of them took off from Anchorage in the company of a very shady rooskie. They flew east. Up to no good I bet. Since then our Ham Radio Division has been picking up some very interesting chatter from the rooskie border region. Seems one PGA pilot flies east and the whole rooskie military goes on alert. Up to no good you mark my words. The rest of 'em are scattered around flying whatever it is that airline flys. In it up to their neck."
When contacted for comment of the issue, Ms. Peggy, PGA's northern manager, replied "Gone where? East?... and North and South and West you jerk! My boys are all out working. Which is more than I can say you're doing!
DOUGHNUTS FROM HEAVEN?
By N Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) A number of people between San Jose and Gnoss were reportedly hit on the head by extremely stale and mouldy doughnuts that apparently came out of nowhere.
The pastries, of which only one sample has been collected by authorities, have excited the scientific community as tests have revealed them to be the hardest substance known to man, rating a solid 14 on the Mohs scale, which previously only went to 10 for diamond.
Victims of the superhard pastry hail have banded together and formed a new religion, known simply as The Rings. Its tenets are based upon their having been chosen by being hit in the head with inedible ring-shaped pastries. When asked what, exactly, they have been chosen for, members of the newly formed cult stated only that the Lord of the Rings was infallible and they had faith that he would reveal his will in chocolate or little colored sprinkles.
SMUGGLERS DUSTED OFF
By Scoop Smith
(Fairbanks, AK) A notorious Russian smuggling ring was broken up this week due in large part to the heroism of PGA's Captain Geoff McLean.
While inbound on a flight from Russia, Captain Geoff managed to squawk the transponder code to indicate a hijacking prior to landing in Fairbanks. Authorities met the flight and took into custody one Viktor Inspitov, who is wanted on six continents on suspicion of smuggling illegal substances. Also found on the aircraft was $3,000 in cash and 3/4 of a pound of what is commonly known as "Mir Dust", with an estimated street value of $7 million.
"We are pleased to have intercepted this shipment," stated Cristal Mephth of the federal Drug Enforcement Agency. "We can all sleep safer tonight knowing that this stuff is not on the streets."
Ms. Mephth declined to comment on the uses of Mir Dust, but did provide literature stating that common effects include hallucinations, a craving for snake meat, and an irresistible attraction to Communist mongooses.
Captain Geoff had departed Fairbanks shortly after being released from questioning and was unavailable for comment.
Dateline February 11, 2004
BOSS INVESTIGATES MISSING TUESDAYS
By Luce Witfax
(San Jose, CA) The Boss announced this morning that she would be conducting a full-scale investigation into the fact that two Tuesdays in a row have come up missing from her life.
The Boss, who has been in the habit of updating the PGA site on Tuesday evenings so that her Wednesday evenings will be free for dance rehearsal, has found this lack of Tuesdays disruptive to her entire schedule. "I go to bed on Monday night with a plan for an update on Tuesday evening. By the time it gets to what I initially believe is Tuesday evening, I am presented with irrefutable evidence that it is, in fact, Wednesday evening. It's not right, and it's not fair, and I intend to get to the bottom of this outrage!"
Topping the list for questioning in the Case of the Tenuous Tuesday are certain reporters who failed to turn in news articles by the deadline. However, since different reporters have turned in articles each of the last two weeks, the Boss is not above suspecting a conspiracy. In an obvious attempt to shift suspicion from himself, Tony "Bonez" Peaker requested that the Boss inquire about some Sundays he has recently found missing from his own life.
"They're probably with her keys," commented Mr Boss. "I'm sure she'll find them eventually, although I'm not sure what sort of state they'll be in, given some of the places we find her keys."
BONEHEA...ER, LUKEXCOM FROZEN
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) PGA Captain and BOD member Bonehe... er, Lukexcom arrived in Valdez this week, impatient to hear what Peggy and the Boss had in store for him. Upon being informed that his special charter was a "milk run" flight to several neighboring communities in an open-cockpit biplane, Bonehe... er, Luke immediately froze solid.
"Looks like the very thought of it was enough," grumbled Peggy. "The townfolk are waiting anxiously for him to make this memorial flight, and here he is -- frozen solid like an icecube. What am I supposed to do with him? He's too ugly for a doorstop."
The Boss, when informed of Bonehe..., er, Luke's condition, laughed long and loud. The two remaining members of the Board of Directors, The Boss and Mr Boss, immediately went into an executive session to discuss what to do with a frozen Bonehe... er, Lukexcom. No decision had yet been announced as of the time of publication.
COFFEE RATIONING IN SEATTLE
By Hysteria Pann-Nik
(Seattle, WA) In response to a sudden increase in coffee consumption combined with the destruction of a key coffee crop by the dreaded South American Earl Grey Tea-Weevil, and in light of prohibitions against importation of coffee from other states due to a suspected outbreak of Mad Coffee Disease in Idaho, Seattle Mayor Dee Caff has announced the implementation of coffee rationing throughout the Seattle area.
"This is a time of crisis. We must band together to ensure that there is enough coffee to keep us all going through this terrible time," Mayor Caff said in a prepared statement.
After the announcement, coffee stands throughout the city reported an attempted run on lattes, but National Guard members who were already in position restricted purchases to regular or tall only, no extra shots. "It's gonna be tough, but we all have to pull together on this," stated Moe Calottae, owner of Moonbucks Coffee. "There's only so much coffee, and it's gotta last through at least next month. We ain't gonna make it if people don't cooperate."
Perhaps the hardest hit by this rationing are local charter pilots who subsist primarily on coffee, using the dark, caustic brew to soften up the stale doughnuts that make up the other half of their diet.
"Have you tried eating one of these without softening it up in coffee? You'll break your teeth on it!" cried an outraged pilot who had just been denied a refill at his airline's Boeing Field FBO.
Rationing is expected to last until next month, when another crop of coffee beans should be ready for harvest.
OUT-OF-THE-WAY INVESTIGATION CONTINUES
By Libel Slander
(Seattle, WA) The investigation into Out-of-the-Way Charter is continuing this week, with sources close to the investigation hinting that, since no traces of illegal substances have been found in or near any of the Out-of-the-Way planes or buildings, other airlines may be implicated in the removal and transportation of such substances from Out-of-the-Way's place of business.
While no official statements have been forthcoming, it has been suggested that local Out-of-the-Way competitor, Pier Glass Aviation, who happened to be on site shortly after Out-of-the-Way was raided by a joint acronymic strike force, may have something to do with the fact that no illegal substances have been found. "I'm not saying they are and I'm not saying they aren't," speculated our source on condition of anonymity. "But it's pretty darn suspicious that PGA has been picking up all of OOTW's charters. If PGA isn't in this up to its fuel tanks, my name isn't Blay Bermouth!"
PLANE MAKES FORCED LANDING AT GULKANA
By Golly G. Wizz
(Gulkana, AK) PGA legend Captain Rick "Deadstick" Smith managed a safe landing at Gulkana after his engine quit on a flight from Delta Airmotive to Valdez.
"I'd finally got to a comfortable altitude past Gulkana when there was suddenly more wind noise than engine noise. Not that there wasn't any. A sputtering cough, maybe. And a touch of smoke as well. Not too sorry a spot. My bane of a headwind neatly carried me back toward Gulkana while I tried to lose some (but not too much) of my altitude. I was able to sneak into a short final at just about the right time. The prop came to a stop before I did," reported the heroic captain in a formal report to his company that was accidentally overheard by local phone company personnel.
"This is the biggest thing to hit Gulkana since... um... er..." stated long time Gulkana resident Innis Dull.
Captain Rick had local mechanic Buford Chevy check over his aircraft. According to Buford, the cause of the incident was "fuel starvation, plain and simple. He tried to argue with me, but I know what I know. Darn pilots don't know better than to make sure the engine's gettin' fuel."
Whatever the cause, Captain Rick was soon away again, heading towards Valdez. A follow-up said that he made it safely, despite poor weather conditions. Despite Buford's diagnosis, PGA mechanics at Valdez said the problem was related to some worn bearings.
SANITY FOUND IN INSANE FLIGHT
By Alice N. Chaign
(Atka, AK) Captain Geoff "Aaaaagh!" McLean found himself in possession of some well-earned peace and solitude after a cry for help that reached the Boss's ears caused her to put him on a run to the remote island of Atka to deliver the annual Valentine to fisherman Sven Jorgensen from his vife... er, wife, Lena.
The long, boring flight was made longer and more interesting by a standard-issue Aleutian 23-kt headwind, causing Captain Geoff to think a lot about fuel and icy cold water. This apparently is a very effective antidote to a near-insanity experience involving half a dozen 7 to 9 year old girls full of birthday cake, as his blood pressure dropped from the stroke-zone to something approaching normal, despite serious fuel calculations culminating in a landing made on fumes with a 23-kt crosswind. Steven Hakala, a pilot who happened to be on the ground to watch the show, said they had no idea that Barons could be outfitted with those fancy landing gear that let you land sidewise.
After fueling up, the Blue Baron headed out again, looking forward to a 20-kt tailwind this time, and hoping the fumes from Sven's yearly Valentine's lutefisk to his vife... er, wife didn't kill him before he got a chance to do some flying for the upcoming I Dig a Dog Race.
PAPER MACHE IN SANTA ROSA DOWNPOUR
By N Kwyring-Mynde
(Santa Rosa, CA) The PGA pilot known enigmatically as "The Old Man" had what he believed to be an inflight emergency this week. On a flight from South County to Santa Rosa in a Nomad he suffered what was thought at the time to be some form of control failure.
With the plane becoming unstable as the right wing headed for the ground, the experienced pilot fought his way through thick cloud and rain while fighting his controls. He broke through the cloud layer at 850 feet and was confronted by rain and poor visibility. Thankfully the runway was in view and he was able to manhandle the machine down to a respectable landing considering the circumstances.
After landing he inspected the plane to find that the loud bang he had heard prior to the incident was actually one of the cargo tiedowns used to restrain the nearly 1 tonne load of printed material. The load had shifted in the cargo bay to the right side of the aircraft causing the strange flying behaviour. Unfortunately at the moment he discovered the cause, the entire load fell out of the cargo door, landing in the puddles and pouring rain.
"That's the last time I use Nev-R-Break tie down straps. Sure they may be cheap but they definitely don't live up to their name", stated the wet and annoyed "Old Man"
Airport officials commended the pilot saying, "The skill and composure of 'The Old Man' in landing that plane in such a difficult state is a credit to the pilot and the airline"
TO FUEL OR NOT TO FUEL
By M.O. Bill
(Napa, CA) FAA officials have released an information bulletin to all pilots reminding them of the value of pre-flight checks and inspections after a Cessna float plane was forced to land on a lake north of Napa. The pilot, Justin Uhff, had apparently neglected to check his fuel tanks prior to his flight and ran out of fuel after leaving Lake Berryessa. An unidentified pilot was with him on the trip and also failed to notice the safety hazard.
The bulletin released by the FAA said, "It is the responsibility of all pilots to ensure the safety of their plane and passengers. No trip is too short, no safety procedure too onerous that it can be overlooked for the sake of expediency. The fact that two licensed pilots were on the plane at the time is doubly bad as the second pilot should have seen the problem or at least noticed the lack of preparation by the pilot in command. We are pushing for a move towards legislation ensuring that any pilot in a position to notice and/or remedy a safety hazard must do so without fail."
PGA RECRUITS MORE EX-MILITARY STAFF
By Avi Ator
(San Jose, CA) PGA San Jose has snared another ex-military pilot to join their team. Raptorman, who comes from a similar background as the notorious and recently deceased pilot "Tony "Bonez" Peaker, is a former F-16 Falcon pilot. The changeover to less powerful and far more sedate aircraft is reportedly going well, although ATC are having a few problems with radio chatter. It seems that San Francisco controllers do not take lightly to requests for "Weapons Free" and calls such as "I'm too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns" while transitting their airways.
We talked to Raptorman about these radio calls and his reply was, "I feel the need, the need for SPEED!!!!" at which point he donned his BayRan sunglasses and proceeded to ride off on his motorbike chasing jets beside the runway.
PINK CAT SCARES LOCALS
By Lucy Liu-py
(Santa Rosa, CA) Well-known Bay area airlines have started hiring childrens' entertainers as pilots, judging by the latest addition to the ranks. Merlin Seiko, one of PGA's newest recruits, has been seen flying the old PGA 172 in the skies around Santa Rosa dressed in a pink cat suit similar to that worn my Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns.
Along with the new uniform, Merlin seems to have taken the "bush" flying aspect of the job to a new high... or low, depending on your point of view. Whilst flying in conditions that would have sent most birds back to their roosts, he decided to blatantly disregard VFR flight rules, which resulted in a near collision with a mount... hill. After a wild climb to clear the hill, he proceeded to land on the parking area at Rio Vista rather than the actual runway, most likely on the theory that it would save time taxiing.
As he climbed out of the plane he was overheard muttering curses regarding aircraft maintenance, lack of umbrellas, soggy donuts, and charging the airline for his freshly-ruined catsuit.
BREAKING NEWS!
PGA PRESENTS MEMORIAL STATUE TO VALDEZ
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) After plans for a memorial flight commemorating Wee McTavish fell through, Pier Glass Aviation management apparently commissioned a special statue and presented it to the City of Valdez in memory of the beloved little dog.
The statue, which is a highly realistic sculpture of a young man looking apprehensively skyward while holding a ball of black fur reminiscent of Wee McTavish, will be placed in the center of town at ground level.
"We are touched by PGA's gesture in commissioning this statue," stated the current Miss Valdez, Ima Eyre-Hedd, in a ceremony at which the sculpture was unveiled. "That PGA should think to specify the statue be placed at ground level where it could be used by all dogs passing through town shows their immeasurable compassion, thoughtfulness, and deep love for small warm fuzzy creatures like dear little Wee Mc Tavish."
Dateline February 26, 2004
NEW AVIATRIX JOINS HANGAR 12
Associated Press
(Anchorage, Alaska) Caitlyn Elaine Anderson joined PGA and the rest of the world this week, being born on February 24 at about 2:30 p.m. Her weight at birth was a respectable 6 lbs, 11 oz, and proud father Mac the Wrench reports that both mom, Cherry Pneumatic, and baby are doing well.
Despite persistent rumors to the contrary, no Elbonians were involved in production or delivery of the infant.
Congratulations to you both, and welcome to the world Caitlyn!
PIER GLASS AVIATION PILOTS INVADE SEATTLE
By Saul Dem
(Seattle, WA) In an unprecedented move, Pier Glass Aviation has recently vastly increased its local workforce of pilots.
New pilots seem to be arriving as the charter airline begins to snag business from Emerald Harbor Air.
"Yeah, but you should see some of these guys" remarked Operations Chief, Jon Alot, for EHA. "They're even hiring ancient old pilots that can't see straight. I mean one guy is so gray and old I'll bet he's in his eighties at least. Would you trust your life in some old geezer's hand?"
I interviewed a PGA local dispatcher. She asked only that her first name be used. Diane confided in me that they had recently recruited a veteran old timer with "numerous hours".
She declined to reveal his name - claiming she didn't know. When pressed to reveal it she said she was unable to do so for security reasons, and cited the Transportation Security Act.
The senior citizen pilot was seen hobbling about his plane by Joe Vacationer who commented to this reporter "He looked something like a cross between Willie Nelson and Uncle Joe from Petticoat Junction."
Tower personnel at Olympia Airport reported the erratic landing of a PGA flight filled with Young Business People. "Of course that really isn't newsworthy", said L. One Orr, a traffic Controller at Olympia. But we'll print it anyway.
Meanwhile a pilot whom we've come to know as Darby delivered a load of smelly fish in the area.
This is just a sampling of what the PGA team has been building. This reporter called PGA headquarters to try and get to the bottom of the recent influx of pilots to Seattle. After numerous attempts, I finally was able to speak with their Head of Operations, known only as Marvin. Marvin, it seems, is paymaster and grand strategist for the rapidly expanding airline. He explained that PGA has so many backorders to fill that they could easily use another dozen pilots. At least, that's what it sounded like. There was something wrong with the phone connection, as every once in a while there was a loud whirring and a beep. Occasionally there was loud, hysterical laughter in the background. When I inquired if perhaps management at PGA was celebrating, Marvin's answer was to dial up a cell phone and start braying into it. I could get no further answer from him, so eventually I hung up.
Whatever their motives may be, PGA seems intent on creating its own future.
MESSY BUSINESS TURNS BIG BUSINESS
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) In a surprise business wrangle the local and now quite famous Portaloo business owned by the late Ernie Bogmire changed ownership late yesterday for the hugely surprising amount of $5 Million. The deceased's wife signed the contract of sale at a low key meeting in the Mayors office effectively handing the entire business lock, stock and barrel over to its new owners. After all signatures were finalised the Deeds were exchanged for a large suitcase of cash.
The Widow Bogmire inherited the business after her husbands untimely demise caused by misadventure when local dog and girl guide mascot Wee MacTavish exploded at a large gathering triggering a series of further explosions in a row of Portaloos, one of which contained the unfortunate Mr Bogmire and a container of his home made cleaning fluid.
It is unclear what exactly the new owners plan to do with the business given that locals here have developed a phobia about entering Portaloos since that unfortunate event. However this reporter has discovered that the principals of the company come from a small indo pacific nation currently embroiled in a vicious insurrection. It appears that all the stock comprised of the cleaning fluid will be shipped overseas leaving all the structural content where it is. When questioned on this issue the Widow Bogmire said "They were very keen to obtain Ernie's cleaning fluid formula. Once the deal was closed they only wanted the stock, not the lock or the barrel."
It has also been disclosed that agents for the new owners have been questioning local girl guides, offering them money for a list of items eaten by the late MacTavish.
"Small Business is the real winner here" said a spokesperson from the Mayors office. "A $5 Million boost to the economy is a welcome event. It shows our policies are working" he went on to drone.
However, it seems unlikely the $5 Million will get aired locally at all. A very merry Widow Bogmire was seen at the office of PGA arranging a flight to Anchorage. It appears she is stepping out... to the Spanish Riviera
COFFEE SHORTAGE CONTINUES
By Hysteria Pann-Nik
(Seattle, WA) The coffee shortage that has Seattle residents rationing their favorite beverage continues to make life difficult for all in the area.
Coffee ration coupons produced by the city are being sold for fabulous sums, while counterfeit coupons have surfaced at three Moonbucks outlets. People are drinking cocoa in record amounts, while the price of black market coffee has skyrocketed. Offices have switched to brewing black tea in their communal pots. A single coffee bean hitting the sidewalk is enough to start a riot.
Meanwhile, no fewer than nine local airlines have been cited for unauthorized coffee brewing in their hangars. Investigators say they're closing in on yet another airline offender, although they haven't gotten hard evidence that the substance in the pot actually is coffee.
"More like hot used engine oil than coffee," one of the undercover investigators attempting to infiltrate the airline was heard to comment.
The local coffee shortage has come about due to the destruction of a key coffee crop by the dreaded South American Earl Grey Tea-Weevil, and has been exacerbated by prohibitions against importation of coffee from other states due to a recently confirmed outbreak of Mad Coffee Disease in Idaho. Rationing is expected to continue through the end of February when the next crop should be ready for shipment.
PROFESSOR BONEZ IN DEMAND
By Golly G. Wizz
(Lester, WA) PGA pilot Tony "Bonez" Peaker made an impression on students and faculty at Lester State when he was presented as the replacement guest lecturer for the seminar on Linguistic Indications of Hebetation in Murcid Aviators after Professor S. Q. Pedalianism was forced to extend his regrets at the last moment.
After a spectacular landing of a DC-3 on the local ultralight strip, Professor Bonez confidently took the podium and delivered what has been called a most riveting and impenetrable lecture. Now hailed as a savant on the subject of Hebetation in Murcid Aviators, Bonez is being actively courted for a permanent post by a host of schools including Oxford, Harvard, Stanford, and the Looking Glass School for Fallen Pilots.
PGA FOCUS OF FAA PROBE
By Iam Snoopy
(Seattle, WA) In a leaked memo, FAA investigators into aircraft incidents reported that PGA has been under intense scrutiny ever since one of their pilots disappeared in Antartica.
The memo claims that PGA pilots are routinely violating safety regulations and conducting "numerous low level aerobatics without getting clearance approval and the required no-fly zones required." Continuing on, the report stated that a Mr. Johansen who lives near Lester, WA was a witness to one of the low level stunts. The memo quotes him as saying "I could have sworn that the plane was upside down and just above the tree tops. If the pilot had sneezed, the plane would have probably killed a dozen cows when it collided with the earth." Describing the aircraft as more missle than anything else, Mr. Johansen went on to say "The pilot was unbelieveably lucky, narrowly missing an extremely tall Oak tree. He probably didn't even see it".
The memo goes on to say that a warrant had been issued giving the FAA expanded investigatory powers, and calling in the FBI, Homeland Security, and various local law enforcement agencies.
In a follow up, we attempted to contact PGA management but were met with the usual no comment. Seattle attorney, S. Nake Koil, who represents PGA, had only this to say: "Sure, PGA is one of my clients. That doesn't mean they do bad things. In fact, those boys and girls are so good at what they do they make other people jealous. Can I help it if others are jealous of them?"
Dateline March 2, 2004
FIERCE FROMAGE FOILS FORCE AT FRUGAL'S
By X. Ajerated
(Dissociated Press) Local law enforcement was thwarted in the attempted arrest of an alleged member of a major unknown substances trafficking ring this week when, just as they were closing in on the suspect in the parking lot of The Pilot’s Bar, a vicious overripe camembert came flying out of the window of the bar and splattered all over the parking lot. The suspect was able to make his escape under cover of the resulting rancid smokescreen.
Nine officers were seriously injured in the incident, with most suffering from fume inhalation and an inability to stop retching. Four officers who were actually splattered with the volatile substance remain in serious condition in intensive care with fourth-degree camemburns.
“It was as though someone had thrown tear gas, only worse!” reported Officer Si Cophant, who was among those requiring emergency medical treatment. “You mean, people actually EAT that stuff?”
An investigation into the source of the vile cheese revealed little about it, or how it came to be ejected from the Bar at just that moment. However, efforts to speak with the Bar Steward have been met with a complete lack of cooperation, and the investigators themselves were threatened with unspeakable horrors.
Bar owner, Mark “Frugal” Bush, had little to say about the incident. “I blame the French,” he stated when pressed for a comment. When asked about the cost of replacing the asphalt in the parking lot that was eaten away by the vile substance, he responded “And the bar is now 'no parking' to discourage drink driving. Hell we get those guys drunk to discourage them from driving… I've seen them fly -- there are more obstacles on the ground! Yup, we try to keep these people out of things that can crash into other things.”
The fact that a no-parking policy keeps his patrons from either from expiring due to crashing into things or from leaving to begin with means they are able to keep on drinking – and spending – at his bar is, according to Frugal, “an unforseen side effect that we are not unhappy about.”
PGA GOES TO THE DOGS
By Snoop Carreras
(Iditarod, Alaska) The much-maligned air charter service Pier Glass Aviation has gone to the dogs by way of Captain Geoff. Flying a beloved old Twotter, the Captain has been winging his way steadily northward with not much more than a prayer and a pocket full of change for the aircraft mechanics along the flight route who are said to be eagerly awaiting his arrival.
Early reports of radio failure, flaps motor failure, and you-name-it failure suggest that Christmas has come early for a number of mechanics along the trail. Even a lawnmower repair man was overheard it a bar in [town name too complicated to repeat but it ended in 'ik' 'ak' or 'uk' so we know we don't want to be there] to say “it’s all a matter of perspective. Whether your cutting grass or air, as long as that blade keeps spinning round and round very fast, something's gotta happen. I just hope that pilot guy remembers to raise the blade over the bumps and avoid the rocks.”
Captain Geoff is delivering much-needed supplies for the I Dig A Dog Race, where a huge gathering of human and canine participants is expected. Small business is also set to prosper, with a huge demand expected for pooper scoopers, doggie bags, tall tales, booze, booze, Panadol, and, of course, booze.
MILLION DOLLAR MANSION
By Ms. I.N. Formed
(Lake Beryessa, CA) Lake Berryessa will soon be adorned with a brand new $4.2 million mansion.
Palo Alto socialites Mr. and Mrs. Gotmore have begun construction on their "holiday" home on the shores of the lake.
Local residents, however, have seen little to indicate that the building is going well, as Ms. B. Z. Body told our reporter: "They have this Chinese architect there who just doesn't seem to know what is going on. I was standing behind a hedge while ...errr......looking for my pet poodle, when I overhear Mr. Lee and the Gotmores arguing. The Gotmores kept screaming that they absolutely had to have a roof that covered the entire house, while Mr Lee, through his interpreter, argued that a roof such as they were wanting completely ruined the Feng Shui of the building."
It seems that the Gotmores' are also less than enchanted with their more rustic neighbors. A leaked city council memo details a request by the wealthy landowners to have a fishing shack down the road from them demolished. "Darby's Fishing Shack," which is a well-know local hangout for PGA pilots who are on the lam, is apparently blocking the view from the new mansion, and the Gotmores are requesting its demolition to increase the value of their property. "After all," the memo quotes the Gotmores as saying, "they're just a bunch of low-class charter pilots who don't smell very good. We're rich and glamorous and this shack doesn't fit into our worldview, much less the view from our vacation home where we plan to come to relax. We also don't like bananas or banana daiquiris."
NO COFFEE YET FOR SEATTLE
By Luce Witfax
(Seattle, WA) A second critical coffee crop has been destroyed by the voracious South American Earl Grey Tea Weevil, leaving Seattle without hope for a coffee shipment for at least another month.
"How are we supposed to code without coffee?" demanded technical workers throughout the area, many of whom participated in numerous so-called "flash mobs" at local Moonbucks franchises at which they chanted slogans such as "Java needs Java" and "No Coffee, No Code." Local pilots also have been among the hardest hit by the rationing imposed by Mayor Dee Caff, and several charter airlines have been the target of raids on the basis of anonymous tips that they have unauthorized coffee in their carafes.
Restrictions on importation of coffee from other states due to outbreaks of mad coffee disease in Idaho and Oregon have contributed to the crisis. Meanwhile, new pest control measures are being tried on the ripening coffee crop in the hopes of defeating the South American Earl Grey Tea Weevil and returning coffee to the Seattle area.
COFFEE SHORTAGE SELLS SEATTLE ON SUBSTITUTES
By Hysteria Pann-Nik
(Seattle, WA) With news of the destruction of a second critical coffee crop, desperate Seattle coffee lovers are turning to substitutes in an attempt to satisfy their cravings, and several entrepreneurs are leaping on the bandwagon in an attempt to find the perfect coffee substitute.
"I don't like tea, not even a little bit," stated Hy Pehr, who was one of many standing in line at a local Moonbucks franchcise to claim their daily coffee ration. Others around him agreed with his position that tea -- even caffeinated black teas -- are not acceptable as a coffee substitute, even in these desperate times.
"A mocha with tea is just not a mocha," claims Y. Yerd, who is a language and anthropology student at Lester State. "I can't study without my mochas. My grades have really tanked this semester with this shortage. It sucks."
Among the substitutes being offered are ActiveX Coffee-Like Substance, which is being produced by Sauft Microbrewery by roasting the sludge found in the bottom of a ferment tank until it dries into a fine powder. "It's not coffee, but it tastes all right to us," said spokesman Gill Bates. "We're certain it will become industry standard by the end of the year, and ultimately expect to edge out real coffee through superior marketing and compatibility. Even assuming the recovery of regular coffee shipments, by 4th quarter 2005 we fully expect more people will be drinking ActiveX than Java."
Another contender for the substitute market is What You See Is What You Get Coffee Type Drink, also known as "WYSIWIG Coffee-Type Drink." The proprietors of WYSIWIG are not interested in divulging their secret formula, which manifests as an unknown substance tasting almost, but not quite, entirely unlike coffee.
Despite the fact that the available coffee substitutes do not taste, smell, or even look like coffee, aggressive marketing campaigns by all contenders have a desperate Seattle population sold on the concept.
"I'm drinking that WYSIWIG stuff," explained a customer just leaving a grocery store coffee counter. "It's better than nothing, I guess, and it does pack quite a punch. Every time I drink that ActiveX brand, my brain sorta freezes up and I see shades of blue. Say, did you know you have two heads and three arms?"
PGA RAISES A STINK
By N Kwyring Mynde
(San Jose, CA) Bay area charter airline, Pier Glass Aviation, has a reputation for causing quite a stink. This time though, rather than the general mayhem and destruction we have come to expect, PGA's Captain Chadza is blowing in the wind as he hauls nearly five tons of cow manure from San Jose to Marin.
Chadza is rumoured to be serving disciplinary duties relating to the desertion of his post some weeks ago, and is now responsible for the transfer of all of the leavings from the inaugural San Jose Rodeo to a company in Marin that is reportedly working on a viable coffee substitute to compete with ActiveX and WYSIWIG brands that are taking off in the Seattle area. The prototype of their product, called "JavaScript," is expected to be released by the end of the month.
It is unknown how long Chadza might be performing this odious duty, although PGA management representative "The Boss" told reporters, "He'll be at it for a while. Once that rodeo mess is cleaned up, we still have contracts for a circus and three zoos worth of manure to go."
Dateline March 17, 2004
WHAT GOINGS ON?
By Snoop Carreras
(Fairbanks, AK) It seems Pier Glass Aviation is at it again and, as usual, nobody seems to know what exactly it is they are up to this time. After a somewhat adventurous trip up with the dogs, PGA Pilot Captain Geoff was spotted gorging himself in a sumptuous restaurant in Fairbanks. A continuous line of fine waitresses supervised by an even finer Maitre’ D kept the obviously starving PGA Captain stuffing himself with fine fare.
Wondering at this unusual turn of events (after all, most restaurants would seat hyenas before PGA pilots), this reporter realised that this obviously was a cunning diversion planned to keep reporters such as this one away from the real goings on.
This intrepid reporter therefore headed out to the airport, where he did indeed discover a PGA mechanic surreptitiously working on a battered Twotter -- the very alleged aircraft that recently has been seen at the dog races. Suspecting something really furtive, airport staff were ‘interviewed’ to determine the depth of this unfolding story.
“He flew in, looked around, muttered something about tend your own business before planning your plane or something like that and started working on that plane” said a fuel pump attendant. “I saw him looking for the pilot fellow, but he had gone to lunch so he just grabbed a big wrench from his tool bag and went right to banging and twanging.” When pressed for further details with an appeal to the memory of Ulysses S. Grant, the fuel pump attendant added “oh yeah I remember now, he had a good look at that other Twotter over there before he began repairing this one, then he began whistling that old gangster song, ‘Mac The Knife.'”
Pressed for time, and lacking a connection to this story, a phone connection was quickly established with PGA’s base in Valdez. When questioned about PGA’s presence in Fairbanks, the Divine Ms Peggy snarled, “Who’s takin' time out for lunch??? I want names, buddy, not wild accusations... What? Mac the who? Knife???? Listen, if it's knives you want, phone Seattle. Now unless you have a charter or something relevant to tell me, I have an airline to run.”
Rest assured -- neither PGA nor our loyal readers have heard the last of this...
CAP'N RICK HERE AGAIN, GONE AGAIN
By Earnest E. Rudite
(Valdez, Alaska) With the twisting chain of developments occurring further south, things are plodding on normally in Alaska. Cap'n Geoff's involvement in the Iditarod has left Valdez quiet. Current hub manager, Cap'n Rick, was laying over in Northway after a sojourn into the Yukon. While there, he was approached to ferry a plane and it's passengers south to Juneau. After seeing to the safe conduction of the Mooney and it's owners to PAJN, he went off in search of something he hadn't had in a while; a good time. Armed with only $38 (five of that Canadian) and a vague impression of past visit, he set off. The Pier Glass Aviation dispatcher at Valdez Pioneer Field, Peggy, is quite used to the pilot's rather erratic flying schedule and lengthy disappearances...
"Worried?! What the hell for?! He's hardly around enough as it is. Last time he was up here, he left a tour group from Sandusky, Ohio in my lap and in my way for three days!! Not a word, not a sound. And then he rolls in one evening with sandals, a sunburn and one 'a them big foam fingers that says "GO MARLINS"...whatever the hell that means. Naw; I'm not worried a bit...no. No, I take that back. I am worried that he'll show up again. You gonna print this, boy? You better...that lazy little crapbag...I'm trying to run a business here..."
More on this story as it develops or when the body is found.
QUIET WEEK IN THE BAY - LOCALS WAITING FOR OTHER SHOE TO DROP
By Ms. I.N. Formed
(San Jose, CA) The Bay area skies have been relatively clear this week, with Pier Glass Aviation having lost many usually local pilots to the grey skies of Seattle, following the siren call of a free set of steak knives being offered by the obviously unscrupulous hub captain up there.
Fortunately for PGA, Captain cmor, the San Jose Hub stalwart, has been keeping up with local charter needs, mostly flying passengers around to various destinations as needed. Mr Boss was unable to be contacted for an interview, but the payroll supervisor Marvin provided the following written statement:
"I don't mind that nobody is flying. It's less work for me come payday. So long as there is enough money for WD-40, I'm happy."
SEATTLE COFFEE SMUGGLING ON THE RISE
By Luce Witfax
(Seattle, WA) With Seattle well into its second month of a coffee shortage, smugglers have moved into the area, with the price of coffee rapidly outpacing the cost of cocaine. It's reported that an ounce of Foldgers is selling for an average of $500 an ounce, while premium brands bring as much as $1,500 per ounce.
A special task force has been formed by the Seattle Police Department to track down coffee smugglers. Officers of the so-called "Brew Beat" were hand-selected for their long years of service and dedication to coffee-related crimes. "I am certain that we will be able to stem the flow of illegal coffee into the Seattle area," reported Captain Joe Java of the Seattle Police.
Despite this certainty, the coffee shortage may be getting to even the best of the best. Rumors have it that two top officers on the Brew Beat were hospitalized last week with severe stomach pains. An anonymous source confirmed that both officers were stuffed to the gills with doughnuts that had apparently been soaked in waste oil that they may have mistaken for coffee.
BOO BOO WITH A BOO BOO
By N Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) Boo Boo the poodle, well known in the Bay area as the champion of champions at dog shows, became ill this week, setting in motion a frantic chain of events that has the entire Bay Area population riveted to their news broadcasts.
Mrs Van Roy found her beloved poodle in obvious pain early on Wednesday morning and immediately contacted the veterinary college in San Francisco for advice. The professors at the San Francisco College of Veterinary Science advised her to rush the canine to them as soon as possible for experimental surgery.
Fortunately, Pier Glass Aviation pilot Captain cmor was in the area and a flight was arranged within minutes. The trip from Sacramento to San Francisco was completed in record time. Boo Boo was operated on last night and all reports indicate that he is doing well.
"I will personally see to it that brave Captain cmor is honored for his noble deed in saving my dear little Boo Boo," said Mrs Van Roy in a prepared statement.
THE OLD MAN RETURNS
By Ms I.N. Formed
(San Jose, CA) PGA enigma "The Old Man" is back in the Bay area after a short tour of duty in PGAs' Seattle operation. He was seen returning in his Nomad on Saturday carrying a large box of extremely expensive steak knives which are apparently a signing bonus for flying in Seattle. It is unknown whether current Seattle HubCap Darby Willcox will be seeking return of the knives due to the short duration of The Old Man's term of service in Seattle area.
Rumours around the airport are that "The Old Man" is on a special assignment from "The Boss", but no one has been able to ascertain what this mission is exactly or who it might involve. Some have said that the name "Randy Kismet" is linked to the mission but that name has proved to be untraceable. It is believed that it may be code for semi-illegal operations amongst PGA crew, but this cannot be confirmed.
Dateline May 21, 2004
The Lukexcom or the Tiger?
By Ima Snoop
(Seattle, WA) Intrepid pilot Luke-"Lunchmeat"-xcom nearly bit off more than he could chew when he consented to transport a 378-pound snow tiger known affectionately as "Tiggy" from Seattle to Juneau for a Mr. N. Ordbo.
After loading a bunch of random paperwork from the San Jose office in order that the run north wouldn't be a total loss on the books, he fired up the Beechjet and headed north to pick up Kitty's larger cousin.
Unfortunately, it turns out the rare white kitty is deathly allergic to tranquillizers and prone to motion sickness. This meant she needed to fly right seat minus sedation. Mr. Ordbo, however, assured everyone that she is a gentle critter with a curious and loving nature.
Of course she is. Mwahaha.
Despite Tiggy's administering a thorough sniffing, all went reasonably well until a patch of turbulence caused the feline to lose her composure and start thrashing about in a panic. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed (or he remembered Cap'n Dave's experience with a plane full of escaped Bonobos) and Luke slipped on his oxygen mask before depressurizing the cabin to about 20,000 ft.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the last of it. Seeking reassurance in this highly unusual situation, Tiggy grabbed ahold of Luke's arm and hung on for dear life, using it as a pacifier as she drifted away into the relaxed slumber of oxygen deprivation.
Once she was asleep, he extracted his arm from her jaws and bandaged up the wound, stopping the uncontrolled bleeding (he doesn't report what happened with the controlled bleeding, but looking at the state of the Beechjet, we can assume that it continued).
Being a PGA pilot, Luke managed to land the plane safely at PAJN, take a lengthy nap, and and get himself to a doctor for patching up. The Boss is muttering that he'd better not be thinking about trying to make some kind of worker's comp claim. It was clearly his own fault for not staying clear of the bumpy part of the sky.
Also, the Boss would like to know where all of the paperwork she left on her desk in San Jose has gone.
He Just Keeps on Flying
By N. Otworthy
(San Jose, CA) Cmor the Reliable, as he's coming to be thought of by some, has just kept on flying charters despite various other goings-on and not-goings-on in the PGA world of late. From praying lady reverends to boxes of "paper" that get hurredly carted away by nervous men, he is the mainstay of PGA's Bay Area operations these days. "Don't know what I'd do without him," says Junior. "Can't say enough good things about that one, which is convenient since I can't say anything good about the rest of them."
Flying Tiger - No Pilot
From the Juneau Empirical
By Ms. I.N. Formed
(Juneau, AK) It looked like a scene from a poorly-written murder mystery.
A business jet that landed in Juneau a few days ago was opened by airport security officials this afternoon after employees at Avo Services indicated that the pilot had apparently departed without checking in and without making arrangements for parking fees.
Half expecting to find nothing amiss and half expecting to find a bomb, what they found was, in many ways, far worse than even the latter.
"The first thing we saw was that the entire cabin was trashed," stated Perry Noyd, who was on the team that entered the aircraft. "Seats torn up, carpet shredded, curtains shredded... it looked like a giant cat or a rock band had been at the place. Then we entered the plane and saw the cockpit..."
Bloodstains covered the panel, seat, and floor. And sitting in the right seat, where the co-pilot normally would sit, was a young snow tiger, lazily stretching and licking her chops.
The crew immediately exited the craft and re-sealed the door.
By all appearances, the tiger somehow managed to get loose inside the cabin and attack the pilot just after he parked the aircraft. Unfortunately, it doesn't appear that he was able to escape, and officials fear that the pilot, whomever he was, has been eaten by the beast.
Officials are undecided about what steps to take next. Normally, they would simply shoot or tranquilize the animal, but the snow tiger is a rare and endangered species and getting permission to trap or tranquilize requires special dispensation from an as-yet unidentified government agency. Additionally, the NTSB has forbidden any action pending the outcome of its investigation. Meanwhile, Avo Services has placed a lien on the aircraft against the parking fees owed since its arrival, and is allowing no one access until the matter is settled.
Dateline June 17, 2004
Cap'n Geoff Makes 1000th Charter!
No Party Not Planned
By N. Otworthy
(San Jose, CA) Cap'n Geoff has made his 1000th flight for PGA, and the word around the airport is that there will not be no party in his honor.
"We haven't heard that there won't be any live music not played at no party in Hangar 12," said a pilot on condition of anonymity. "No bands have not failed to have been asked not to play, and we're sure that no booze will not be served!"
The Boss was not available for comment, and it was asked that we not fail to neglect to forget to ask her for her opinion of the matter.
Heir's Inheritance into Thin Air
By Ima Gawsup
(South County, CA) Mr. Melvin Barney, heir to the incredibly wealthy Julia Bucksmore, apparently went a bit overboard in singing praises of the airline that brought him -- against all odds, to hear him tell it -- to his sister's wedding. So impressed was his beloved auntie by his description of the noble pilot who got him to the wedding against all odds, that she has now changed her will to leave Melvin's share of her estate to Pier Glass Aviation.
"I was so moved by Melvin's description of the selfless pilot who dared to fly him through the most horrible obstacles that Melvin described in order that he might be able to reconcille with his sister and show up at her wedding... I felt it was just the right thing to do.
"Clearly, the experience changed Melvin," she continued. "He used to be such a money-grubbing toady, but now he's full of good will and sacrifice to his fellow man. I knew he wouldn't mind not getting the money after all he told me. It does this old heart good to see such selflessness come over my beloved nephew."
Mr. Barney, when asked to comment on his aunt's kindness, would only stare into space and make "B-B-B" sounds.
The Pub With No Beer
By Snoop Carerras
(Ferry County, WA) Beer drinkers in this fun town were shocked to wake up feeling chipper and alert last Sunday morning due to the fact that their local hotel and favourite watering hole 'The Blind Goat' had run out of beer.
A prolonged stopover by a State Survey crew has ensured the supplies to the hotel have run well and truly dry. A spokesman from the mayors office said "This is a disaster, a whole lifestyle has been decimated, citizens are actually out and about before midday Sunday. Shopkeepers and cafes are having to open early to cater for them as is the zoo and fun park." Normally the streets would be very quiet with just a smattering of pale subdued all nite party goers wearing sunglasses stumbling home".
Investigations reveal the prolonged stopover by the survey crew was caused by an inactive PGA pilot and his equally inactive DC3 aircraft. Further investigations further revealed that the pilot was plastered. "Yes I was plastered", admitted PGA pilot Darby Willcox, "but its not the plastered you are implying. A tradesman (and I use the word ever so loosely) from our recent renovations stuffed up the plastering and it had to be redone, therefore the computer had to be packed securely away to protect from plaster dust and therefore the DC3 could'nt fly".
However a solution has been found and with sober locals cheering mightily, the chartered DC3 with its pilot and survey crew lifted off into a clear crisp Washington sky on Tuesday morning bound for Colville.
"Things are looking up", said the spokesman from the mayors office. "Before leaving, Captain Willcox promised a shipment of beer from Spokane. Now all we have to do is pacify the local chemists. It appears they have not sold a single Panodol since last Sunday and a large contingent of them are marching on Town Hall".
It is this reporters understanding that a concerned Ferry County citizen has sent an urgent telegram to his friends cousin's brother in Colville warning of the approaching danger.