News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
March 2001 - May 2001
Updated March 7, 2001
SFO Operations Disrupted by Rogue Pilots
Despite the heavy traffic load, the morning at San Francisco International ATC was quite calm and routine. Then someone shouted out, "We have three inbound Pier Glass Aviation planes!"
Someone hit a button and a buzzer went off. Controllers immediately began shuffling their charges around. An inbound Ignited 767 was told to go around and move back into hold position. Another person called the Airport Fire Department and told them to stand by. Elizabeth Ricochet was just coming back from her cigarette break, but someone intercepted her and took her back down to the snack bar.
Soon the first inbound plane could be seen. It was directed straight in. The second followed shortly. The third inbound pilot missed a few instructions and had to be redirected to the active runway but soon it touched down as well and was handed off to Ground Control. Evidently the pilot was hard of hearing because he missed a few instructions from Ground Control as well. But soon all three planes were parked in the GA parking area with engines shut down.
Operations began to return to normal. One by one Controllers called the airlines off of hold positions and vectored them in for landings. Puzzled Captains inquired what the emergency was that caused their delay. Controllers deflected their questions. Eventually Elizabeth Ricochet returned from the snack bar with a sticky bun, two Mountain Dews and a fistful of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
"Hey guys. What's going on?"
"Nothing Betty. Everything is just normal," the senior controller replied.
PIREP from Rosemary "Murphy" Starling (1146)
Charter covered SSPL09
Comments:
The only thing that went right was the take off, after that if it could go wrong it did.
Shortly after take off, I lost all Navigation and Communications radios. I decided I would chance the flight VFR. I needed to stay clear of any mountains so followed the coast heading north to intercept over Jefferson County and Diamond Point.
Approaching Quarter Horse at 3,500 feet the engine started to run rough so I decided to emergency land at Jefferson County. However, the engine began running normally again so I chanced my luck to fly on.
I decided to gain height and climbed to 6000 feet, as I was now clear of any danger from mountains. Passing over Davis and Sequiem Valley the engine made a horrid clanking sound and stopped. All efforts to restart failed. I could just about see the runway at Port Angeles and thought I have no where else to go so selected full flaps trimmed back to maintain about 60 knots and started the glide.
At this point I felt an overwhelming urge for some make up so proceeded to apply some lipstick. Well, it makes a girl feel better and there was nothing else to do.
To say it was close must be an understatement and about 1/4 mile out I took off all flaps in an attempt to convert my last remaining height to speed. I came in low and fast. There was a bit of a bump and the nose wheel folded and the aircraft tipped over onto the port wing tip. Still I made it, just.
Right what's next then?
Misguided Student Pilot Takes PGA Beechjet on Joyride
Baldrick found the following note stuffed in the suggestion box this week:
I, er, took the Beechjet for a practice run and I'm only a Student pilot. Sorry! I couldn't resist. I see it every day just sparkling there on the tarmac with its engines just raring to be revved. Luckily, I found the Approach Hold button on the autopilot and returned the gorgeous craft to the hangar in pristine condition. I also saw Mr. Cutter hanging around his jet holding what looked like a rudder, except there was loads of holes along the length of it. Strange!! Well, I apologize and hope you don't go to hard on me, after all, I did own up.
Now before any more of you get any ideas and start taking out planes in which you are not rated, be advised that the culprit of this prank has been identified and given suitable punishment for his sins.
Top Pilots
High flyer this week was new pilot Vlad "Sattva" Miller (1047) who flew an amazing 22.23 hours. Fantastic job!
Cap'n Dave (1094) was in second place with 11.77 hours.
In third place Jeremy Vidal (1132) with 9.46 hours.
Overall Top Pilot is still Cap'n Dave (1094) with 600.48 hours. Lukexcom (1039) remains in second place with 456.60 hours.
Promotions
* Chris Morgese (1010)- Senior Captain (Cat 1)
* Lars Peter Galaasan (1052) - Senior Captain (Cat 1)
* Arndt Henze (1126) - Private Pilot
* Vernon Christie (1148) - Student Pilot
Congratulations all!
PILOT REPORTS
Updated March 7, 2001
Bill "Short Field" Summers (1053) got tagged to take Ripley Scanner around the various dirt strips in the area. This led to several "interesting" comments from our pilot.
At Delta: " Had to go around I'm afraid; actually it was more of an unintentional Touch and Go… Managed to scrape out of Delta; I think I heard the tires screech on the roof of the FBO and as I looked back I could see a few people had emerged to find out what was going on…."
At Flying B: "…I started the take off run as far back as I could without alarming Ripley. Lucky they hadn't built the FBO in line with the runway here…"
At University: "I managed to get lost again using VFR on the way to University and stumbled upon a crop circle to boot on the way to SAC. It's a good job Ripley had a late lunch scheduled. Now where's the vending machine?"
At Nut Tree: "…but during the leg to Nut Tree Travis started hassling me just as I was about to request advisory and commence circuit approach. Consequently I had to over-fly the field and turn back."
At Blake Skypark: "On landing at BSP I discovered that somehow the parking brake had been set during the flight and I ground to a halt very quicky."
Sounds like he's pretty good at this. Maybe we should assign him to Al permanently.
Fredric "Hummingbird" Tai (1065) took a TV news crew out to view the Micro$oft facilities. They wanted him to "hover" over the buildings so they could get their shot. He tried to explain how a fixed wing aircraft needs forward momentum to stay aloft. To no avail.
Hey Fredric, sounds like a helicopter rating might be in your future?
John "Fly Delta" Wilding (1121) No not the airline. John had his adventures at one of our favorite dirt strips as well. Here's what he has to say:
"To say that the runway at Delta is on the short side is like saying Bay Approach occasionally vectors a pilot slightly off course. After 2 go-arounds, I finally managed to come in with full flaps with the stall horn blaring and stop before the end of the runway. "
Another candidate for Al I see.
New pilot "Christopher "What Truck?" Bell (1135) said there was nothing unusual to report about his recent trip to Olympia except a crazy truck driver cruising down the runway. This caused several phone calls to Olympia from BFI to find out if he "hit" that truck or not.
Decidedly not new pilot Darby "Howdy" Willcox (1013) had something else to say about Olympia:
"Lousy weather, and with all the new building springing up around Olympia there seems to be a lot more obstacles in line with the runway. You can wave at the people in their windows practically. The landing was lopsided."
That's because you were too busy waving, Darby.
Anders "Clean Shorts" Presterud (1144) ran into bad weather on a recent charter. The weather was worse than forcasted (now there's a surprise). Heavy thunderstorm cells and a low ceiling made for circuitous route and a few worried moments. "Scary flight," the shaking pilot was heard to say upon landing.
And Anders, we don't pay bonuses for being frightened.
Rosemary "Soft Field" Starling (1146) discovered this week that not all our charters are to nice, hardened, controlled airfields and our aircraft aren't necessarily as well maintained as those of the RAF.
Her comments after landing at Easton State:
"Nice flight. Need to brush up on my short field work so as not to induce long floating with full flaps. Rosemary must remember this is a Cessna not a C130 or ATR 42 with reverse thrust."
Then she pushed on to R&K Skyranch. The flaps on the Cessna didn't retract past 10 degrees, forcing her to maintain a slower airspeed. Oh and they wouldn't extend further either:
"Faster approach than I would have wished with only 10 degree of flaps for such a short field and touched down and ran off the end of the strip, slight nose wheel damage."
So Rosemary, did they teach you about duct tape in the RAF?
David "Smooth Flight" Morgan (1014) reported three very smooth back-to-back flights from South County to Santa Rosa, Santa Rosa to Nut Tree and then from Nut Tree to San Francisco. The flight was made on a clear sunny day with absolutely no problems. He even had the dispatcher load an unload the plane for him at one point. Then he asks "Where's my money?"
Hey David, you expect to be paid after that? You should pay us!
In contrast to David's flight, Rolo "Ramjet" Mace (1038) reported on the check ride he took in a Beechjet. Weather was lousy, he got vectored all over the place, and he had a flameout at one point. Other than that no problems.
Now see? Rolo earned his paycheck.
PGA pilot's Lars "Charmed Life" Galaasen (1052) and Vernon "Nice Flight" Christie (1148) also reported smooth flights into San Francisco International.
"Hmm. Did Bouncing Betty finally get fired?"
Knock, knock.
"Yes Baldrick?"
-------
"Now why would the SFO Airport Authority want to talk to me?"
14 March 2001
The Boss is Back
The Boss returned to what passes for her normal job with PGA last week, taking the reins from PGA VP Dave "Yee Ha!" Spurlock. Spurlock is reported to have been "pleased" to give back the keys to the Boss¹s desk and was last seen heading for his King Air while whistling a tune and dancing a jig. It is reported that Baldrick witnessed this and is working to commemorate the occasion of Cap¹n Dave¹s dance with a special poem. This news alone was sufficient to clear the hangar of those lingering doughnut-eating pilots.
Interestingly, since the Boss¹s return, flight hours and revenue have increased dramatically, as have the number of tales of daring-do. Experienced pilots, on their way to their planes after getting their assignments, attribute this to the efficiency of the Boss¹s legendary priming crank handle. "The Boss has always been very persuasive," commented one Senior Captain hurrying towards his plane. "And I¹m here to tell you that no matter what the men in white coats might think about her mind, there¹s nothing at all wrong with her arm!"
Helicopter Alert
All pilots... well, heck, who are we kidding? All residents in the Bay Area should be warned that some of the more incorrigible PGA pilots have taken to the air in helicopters -- whirling implements of destruction that they don¹t seem to be able to fully control. An eyewitness with several new grey hairs reports, "I was working in the garden here, you see, and all of a sudden out of nowhere there comes this horrible noise and a wind, and being from Kansas I naturally thought it was a twister and because we don¹t have a storm cellar here I dove under the porch and shut my eyes. When the thing was gone, I got out and found my compost had been blown all over the side of the house. Nuisances, that¹s what they are!"
Another eyewitness called to complain to the FAA: "This great big whirlygig thing came along the ground real low and I thought it was going to hit the FBO, but then it suddenly hopped over the building, just barely clearing the new TV aerial, spun around about a dozen times, scraped its feets across the gravel pad a few times as it tried to land, and then lined up so it looked like it was going to plant itself on top of Frannie's car. At the last minute, it sort of tipped to the side and came down hard on one of those ski things and then the other, dragged a few feet to the left, and finally shut down. This PGA pilot hops out, all happy and smilin¹S I¹m tellin' you, Frannie and me, we didn¹t stick around for his departure!"
Everyone is warned to keep an eye out for unstable helicopter pilots and to give them a wide berth wherever possible.
Bouncing Betty with a Vengance
PGA arch-nemisis approach controller Elizabeth ³Bouncing Betty² Ricochet seems to be suffering a bout of premenstrual tension this week. She has reportedly adopted a "no PGA aircraft within 2000 feet of any bird" policy to supplement her "don¹t let them land until they declare a fuel emergency" policy, vectoring PGA pilots every which way but the way they want to go. One new PGA hire stumbled into the hangar for a cup of coffee between flights and asked about the seemingly unusual ATC procedures. This brought on a round of storytelling by some of PGA¹s more experienced pilots, who recounted tales of being vectored into mountainsides and wild altitude changes that would have had lesser pilots going for the sic-sacs.
PGA¹s official policy on dealing with Bouncing Betty is to do as the nice controller says. PGA¹s unofficial policy involves radio "failures" when she gets altogether too far out of hand. Please remember that the more you fly, the more money we can shunt into the bribe budget, and the more likely we are to be able to bail you out of any situation where you were forced to land at a controlled airport without first communicating with the controllers.
Top Pilots
Top pilot this week was, once again, Cap'n Dave Spurlock (1094) with 18.43 hours. In second place was David Morgan (1014) with 15.29 hours.
Also of note, Louis Leblond passed the 200 hour mark this week.
Great work, everyone!
Promotions
* Jim Poe (1012) has been promoted to Senior Captain (Cat I)
* Dave Morgan (1014) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Elvind Strom (1017) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Chris Bell (1135) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations all!
Turner in Trouble
Mr. Cutter¹s niece made a stop at PGA¹s San Jose facility on her way to Mr. Cutter¹s private resort on an island in the south Pacific. Those PGA pilots fortunate enough to get a good look at Miss Snippet¹s 21st birthday present from her generous uncle were wondering what it would take for them to be adopted into the family Cutter had given his favorite niece a brand-new, custom, personalized Learjet.
However, something of a mystery arose while the Boss and other members of the Board of Directors took Miss Snippet to lunch at La Café when an extra .63 hour of time appeared on the Hobbs meter in the luxury jet.
A brief investigation and minor torture session ensued, whereupon it was determined that no one had seen who had taken Miss Snippet¹s jet for a spin. Fingerprinting the yoke revealed only that the pilot had been wearing gloves. Further forensic testing was scheduled, but then a report from one of the pilots hit the Boss¹s desk. It seems Michael "Dead man" Turner (1029) received his assignment to go out and take the new aircraft parked out front for a test flight. Somehow he missed the brand-new Mooney sitting there and assumed that his ride was Miss Snippet¹s Lear (convenient assumption). According to his report, he took it out over the Bay and did some loops and barrel rolls, and a few low-level aerobatics, then came back to land fast and heavy.
Upon reading the report, Miss Snippet sent up a howl of rage that raised the hair on the back of people¹s necks as far north as Napa County.
Just prior to press time, it was rumored that the Lear is being outfitted with cannons and a set of sidewinders, and that Miss Snippet will be going Turner hunting. Michael, we suggest you keep low, don¹t fly straight and level for more than about 10 seconds at a time, and next time don¹t include the words "what the boss doesn¹t see she¹ll never know" in your PIREP.
Pilot Reports
Michael "No Respect" Turner (1029) thought that once he made ATP he would be much better paid and for less work, and that he might get a little more respect from the Boss than he did as a student pilot. He says he¹ll be glad to make Captain, because then he won¹t have to play baggage boy to engineers who seem to travel with half the railroad on rainy nights, and he will get salutes and not be ignored.
Those senior pilots who overheard these comments first snorted coffee out their noses and spent a good fifteen minutes laughing and choking on their doughnuts.
Dylan "The Clam" Cummins (1016) landed at Sacramento where Mr. Ripley deplaned, raced into the ladies' room at the back of the hangar (we assume he was a bit disoriented), and treated the coffeepot crew to the familiar sounds of an offering at the porcelain alter. A minute later, Dylan came strolling in, poured himself a cup of coffee, and commented to the wondering crowd, ""terrible turbulence." Gee, and we were afraid he'd eaten one of the doughnuts!
"Belly-Flop" Dondo (1087) reports that his landing at Diamond Point was "a bit rough, and by rough I mean HARD, and by hard I mean I folded the landing gear... badly." Fortunately, all of the rain put out the grass fire that was started by all the sparks from the Renegade. Knowing that no amount of duct tape was going to fix the gear, he used a truck to push the Renegade around so it had most of the runway in front of it, did a few calculations taking into account the wet runway, the amount of fuel, the horsepower of the engineS and decided that he might be able to take off without the gear. So he tried. "It was pretty exciting for about the first 300 yards...I was running out of runway quickly (it was loud as well...all that screeching)." Apparently, he did finally manage to get the plane off the ground and proceeded to Sky Harbor where he made yet another gear-up landing. At that point, he decided that discretion was the better part of valor and took the Beaver for the next flight. However, he came back with a question about whether eagles are on the endangered species list.
Mechanics are applying copious amounts of duct tape to the belly of the Renegade and are prying the gear out of the wells and hitting it with WD-40 until it moves freely again. They say it should be ready to fly again any time now. It¹s also reported that the Boss has put in another order for those extra-strength aspirins she found in Mexico.
Peter "Lucky" Jensen (1048) comments that he¹s never had so few aircraft problems since he bought his own plane, and guesses that the mechanics at Friendly Fred¹s are not so overworked as the Boss¹s slavesS er, mechanics. The Boss, upon hearing this, chuckled and made a note to ask Fred what brand of duct tape and spray paint he¹s using these days. Anyway, Peter reports that he had a smooth, trouble-free flight despite strong winds from the east. He did have to circle a few times at South County before he could get down, and was surprised at the amount of traffic in the middle of the night. He suspects it¹s not just livestock they¹re dealing with down there, and says when he got out of his plane his thoughts were confirmed by all of the suspicious people hanging about. Of course, he says he can¹t say for sure what was going on because it was very dark.
Later on, he was expressing his first dissatisfaction with his new Trainer, thinking that he might need to tune the engine a little or fit a bigger one. Last time we saw him, he was poking around behind the hangar, looking for a spare Mustang engine.
David "Blind Man" Morgan (1014) was heading for Allan Ranch at dusk with a few clouds in the sky and decided to file IFR to Santa Rosa, then cancel and proceed to Allan Ranch. He took off and enjoyed a fairly uneventful flight, chatting with the Allans to pass the time.
However, when he turned northwards at Santa Rosa towards Allan Ranch, the sun disappeared entirely below the horizon, leaving the ground pitch black so he couldn¹t see the landing strip. He flew over and peered at the ground for a while, but all he could see was the marker beacon and the lights of the FBO on the ground. So being the intrepid PGA pilot that he is, he lined himself up just to the right of the FBO lights and managed a gentle landing near the FBO. Whether he was on the strip or not was open to question, but the Allans seemed pleased enough to invite him to spend the night in the warm FBO.
The next morning, after he departed, the Allans called the Boss and told her they¹d insisted that he stay the night, because he¹d missed the runway entirely on landing and they were concerned that he might not make it out of there if he left right away.
Anders "Hey!" Presterud (1144) discovered a new trick of BB or her compatriot at Ground Control anyway. He was cleared to cross 34R at SeaTac right in front of a departing Ignited Airlines 747. He beat the "heavy" across the runway and avoided a major catastrophe, but suffered a minor one of his own. The wake turbulence of the behemoth bounced him onto his nose and snapped the propeller clean off.
The question now is whom do we sue?
Christopher "Area 51" Bell (1135) came in all excited after his last trip up the Puget Sound. He claimed he had seen a UFO. Getting no response from jaded Walter, he then told Baldrick. Baldrick just smiled and later was heard reciting a new poem.
A PGA pilot named Bell
Came across something quite swell.
He saw a UFO
And hurried below
To look for someone to tell
Just don't tell the media Christopher or your 15 minutes of fame will be in a grocery store rag.
John "Mr. Class" Wilding (1121) thought he was taking a step up in the world when he was assigned to ferry the Hooversnelzes to and from Oakland. His performance as a pilot on the trip in was less than stellar and the wealthy couple snubbed him. Determined to make amends he donned a clever disguise for the return trip, a rubber nose and glasses along with a heavy southern accent. The Hooversnelzes were fooled and impressed with the "new" pilot. (They are wealthy, but not all that intelligent.) At least until John whipped the disguise off and made an off color remark about the size of Mrs. Hooversnelze's caboose.
I tell you what John, why don't you don a fake mustache, beard and Hoosier accent and go apologize for me.
21 March 2001
Bail and Bribe Budget Underfunded
PGA Boss, Shanya Dzhjonovna, was going through the books after her lengthy… er, “vacation” when she discovered that the PGA Bail & Bribe budget had been severely depleted in her absence. At first fearing the worst, she went through the police blotters in the back-issues of the San Jose Chronicle, but couldn’t find any mention of PGA pilots. A few tacit inquiries turned up no cause for any bribes other than the usual ones that keep the FAA looking the other way. Puzzled, the Boss gave VP Dave “Not a Bookkeeper” Spurlock a call. After he got over his shock that she had 1) found him and 2) managed to get the phone to ring even though it was unplugged, it was determined that Spurlock had mistaken the Bail & Bribes budget for the fuel budget. “Bribe budget? I thought that was the fuel budget. It was the largest fund,” he explained. Meanwhile, the fuel budget was depleted by unusually high coffee and doughnut consumption among the pilots. This does seem to happen when the Boss is not around with her priming crank handle.
While Dave has now had PGA’s “unique” accounting system explained to him in more detail and he fully understands that the fuel budget is in fact the THIRD largest fund (while doughnuts are fourth), it remains that the Bail & Bribe budget is woefully underfunded. So get flying and try to keep out of the way of anyone who looks even remotely official, because if you need bailing out, the only place to take the money from is the aircraft maintenance budget (the fifth largest fund).
Top Pilots
High flyer this week was Brian Russell (1143) with an impressive 18.15 hours. Second place goes to Vernon Christie (1148), with 12.12 hours.
Also of note, Geoff McClean (1071) went over the 200 hour mark this week.
Great work, everyone!
Promotions
* Arndt Henze (1126) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Dave Morgan (1014) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Elvind Strom (1017) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Anders Presterud (1144) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Vernon Christie (1148) has been promoted to Private Pilot
Congratulations all!
Boss’s Birthday Suspiciously Quiet
As anyone who has been on the forum knows, the Boss had a birthday this week. On that day, no calls were received from the FAA, FBI, CIA, AFB, ATC, ATF, or any other representative of an acronym. While it seems likely that the pilots were simply going out of their way to give the Boss a stress-free day, as the day wore on she became increasingly nervous and agitated as she waited for the probverbial other shoe to drop and the phone to ring. Finally, she went up to the tower at SJC, just to make sure that the phones weren’t broken, and when she was assured that no PGA pilot had so much as buzzed the tower that day she raised such a fuss that the controllers called security and she was removed from the tower, hissing and spitting like a wet cat all the way.
Next year, maybe everyone should just get her a cake?
Cutter Giving Odds on Turner's Survival
In the ongoing aftermath of Michael "On the Run" Turner's taking the Snippet Learjet for an unauthorized spin, Mr. Cutter has announced that he's giving odds on how long Turner manages to avoid his vengeful neice. Pilots interested in a bit of the action may meet with Guido behind the old BAC hangar at Half Moon Bay.
PILOT REPORTS
21 March 2001
Vlad "Sattva" Miller (1147) headed for the Seattle in the Mooney this week. Fortunately, the Mooney has autopilot, but Vlad nonetheless has sworn that he will return to the Bay in the Beechjet only. Coffeepot kibitzers have been speculating that Vlad left town after the Boss read his PIREP for HWPP05. The Boss would like to know just what he meant by “so much for that Arrow.” Further, the Boss would like to know where IS that Arrow, and if is there a reason he felt he needed a faster plane that required him to deliver Mr. Scanner and his dog in separate loads?
Elvind “Collision Course” Strom (1017) reports he was landing at Moffett on 32L when he was almost struck by an A10 taking off from the same runway. Upon investigation, the Boss discovered that the A10 had been piloted by Elvind’s supervisor, Dave Keeran, who had been trying to raise his new pilot on the radio to ask him to turn in his timesheets so he could get paid. After some days of frustration, Keeran decided on a more direct method of getting Strom’s attention. Of course, the timesheets were in Keeran’s box where they belonged, but Keeran, being a long-time PGA pilot and supervisor, never thinks to look for things where they belong. He also apparently never thinks to turn on his radio before transmitting.
Michael “1000 Faces” Turner (1029) laments the day he ever crossed the Cutter family, particularly when he’s flying a plane full of “nice young ladies” and is stuck wearing a false beard and moustache that garners its share of funny looks. The funny thing was that Turner was seen shaving in the men’s room just prior to donning his false beard…
Geoff "National Enquirer" McLean (1071) had a nice comfortable ride shuttling two Hollywood lovebirds around…. Not! First of all he lost the electrical system in the plane while inbound, although a swift kick to the fuse box cured that quickly enough. The two supposed lovebirds argued with each other the entire way, using explicit terms to describe what they did with each other. Poor Geoff might have been embarassed if he hadn’t been so busy taking notes. Once they reached their destination, the two actors turned on the charm, thanked Capn Geoff nicely, then went back to arguing.
David "Formula 1" Morgan (1014) discovered just how fast the Mooney is… it’s so fast he zoomed Delta at first rather than landing. Then he zoomed over Parret Field and then zoomed down to Calistoga. After he finally zoomed in for a landing he let his shaken passengers out. "I'm gonna be flying the Mooney a lot more now," the pilot declared before he, you guessed it, zoomed off.
It must have been a week for zooming around in Mooneys. Darby "Me Zoom To" Willcox (1013) flew so fast below the clouds that his passengers never got a chance to open their laptops. Sounds like he was enjoying himself entirely too much. Don’t we have something smelly that needs to go somewhere small in nasty weather?
Brian "Take you Where?" Russell (1143) was hijacked by a pistol-wielding maniac when he was supposed to be going to Bumping Lake. So he made a detour to Crest Airpark, where the air pirate confiscated his cargo and his candy bar. The charter at Bumping Lake called in later complaining about their lost trophies. Brian described the hijacker as a pilot who looked familiar, smelled like horse droppings, and constantly muttered about someone named Betty. The police noted that this detailed description eliminates approximately 0.1% of the pilots currently on the PGA roster. Well, it's better than they usually do in these matters...
1 April 2001
Bjørn Henjum day Celebrated at Jefferson County
The Ghost Ship One year ago in PGA history, PGA pilot Bjørn “I’m Not Seeing Things!” Henjum (1044) caught a photo of an apparition at Jefferson County – a mysterious ghost ship gliding past the runway in the fog. In response to the photo, thousands of people converged upon the place in hopes of seeing the apparition. The resulting boost to the economics of Jefferson County caused the town fathers (and mothers) to declare 26 March to be “Bjørn Henjum Day” and they erected a statue in his honor.
This week, the town celebrated the day by shooing the pigeons off the statue and giving it a good washing down with a hose. “It was the least we could do,” explained Mayor Jeff R. Sonne. “The sales tax we collected from the sudden influx of weirdo... er, um...‘pilgrims’ more than paid for the new public toilets in the town square. Cleaning off the pigeon droppings seemed a fitting way to celebrate.”
Bjørn was regrettably unavailable for comment or public appearances.
Top Pilots
High flyer this week was Dave Spurlock (1094) with 15.78 hours. Second place goes to Dave Morgan (1014), with 11.17 hours. Hmmm... two Daves get the top spots this week... must be a trend.
Also of note, Andy Booth (1046) went over the 100-hour mark this week.
Great work, everyone!
Promotions
* Dave Morgan (1014) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Peter Moore (1084) has been promoted to Private Pilot
* Lars Martin Knutsen (1108) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Brian Russel (1143) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Chris Huhta (1151) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Stuart Madden (1157) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* VoodoK (1158) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Jeremie Vidal (1132) has been promoted to Private Pilot
Congratulations all!
Will Forms in Planes
In response to an overwhelming demand, PGA will be providing handy will forms in its planes, with check-boxes for passengers to fill out in moments of duress… er, turbulence. Pilots are now to include in their usual passenger briefing instructions as to where to find the forms (in the seat back pockets) and provide the complimentary loan of a pen to each passenger prior to takeoff. Pilots also should actively discourage passengers from attempting to read the small print on the forms unless they are in turbulence. If passengers are seen squinting at the forms, pilots are required to generate some “turbulence” as soon as possible. The primary concern is that the passengers NOT be able to read the fine print. Remember that.
Also in line with this new “we really care about the passengers” policy, PGA, in conjunction with Cutter & Associates, will be providing each passenger with the “opportunity” to take out a life insurance policy. Of course, participation is anticipated to be very high among PGA passengers, as no one in their right mind would refuse such an offer… and of course Cutter & Associates will do their best to ensure that they do not.
Passengers will be given the opportunity to fill in the names of their chosen beneficiaries under the policy, although Cutter assures us that his lawyers have that bit all sorted out and we shouldn’t worry about it. So rest assured, if you pile in your plane, we’ll be able to replace it in no time.
Boss Elopes with Pilot
PGA Boss Shanya Dzhjonhoweveryouspellit enjoyed the personal attentions of Philippe “Yes Boss” Damerval (1007) this past two weeks while he was on vacation from his job in England. The situation culminated in the two skipping off and getting married on the sly in Haines, Alaska.
Seriously. We really did.
PILOT REPORTS
1 April 2001
New pilot "Radio Silence" VoodooK (1158) was enjoying a nice flight down the glide slope at Olympia when he suffered a complete electrical failure, losing his radio, ILS, VOR, and transponder. Since he obviously couldn't declare an emergency with a dead radio and was already on his way down to runway 17, he decided to carry on and landed without further incident. Of course, this is exactly what one is supposed to do in a radio failure situation. However, he then turned off the nearest taxiway and parked on the grass. Unfortunately, in so doing, he taxied right over the decorative flowers that the Olympia Ladies' Posy-Planters had planted in an attempt to make the airport more attractive to arriving planes.
The next morning, the ramp crew found what appeared to be a funeral wreath of squashed flowers draped over the cowl of the plane. We recommend whoever uses it next conduct a veeeeeery careful preflight.
Eivind "Short Field" Strom (1017) reported in with a short comment this week, informing all within earshot that "Allan Ranch is a VERY short airstrip!"
Eivind, you should ask the Boss about how to stop VERY quickly on a VERY short airstrip... but perhaps you should wait until you’re flying planes with retractable gear.
Jorge "Mincemeat" El Grande (1131) had “a fine tree-top flight to Reid-Hillview”, but (aside from answering more questions than the Boss was likely to ask and certainly in the wrong order) claims interesting things happened on the ground to make up for it. Apparently, after he landed he turned off of 31L and sat between the runways as he waited for the tower to hand him off to ground. At this time, he heard a P-51 call final, and as he says no pilot in his right mind would ever miss the arrival of such a sacred craft, he decided to watch it land from where he was. A beautiful approach and a text-book wheel landing later...
“He held the tail off the ground as long as he could, which turned out to be a very long time. He happened to choose the turnoff I was holding at to be his turnoff, and apparently he realized that if he hit the brakes with the tail still off the ground, he would flip over forward. He instead chose to chug on through my Renegade. Let me tell you that that 4-blade prop did wonders to the outward appearance of the little flying boat. I watched in awe from the crunched cockpit in the ditch as he taxied on to his parking spot at about 10 knots with his tail still off the ground.”
Jorge talked to the NTSB, and says they agreed before witnesses (Hamilton, Jackson, Grant, and Franklin, to be precise, nonsequential, and otherwised unmarked) that it was not his fault. He dug up a mechanic who said he could get the Renegade back in the air for about $155,000 each year he works on it and can have it done by sometime in 2007 if he doesn't have much (any) work between now and then. Jorge told him to bill PGA.
Jorge, the Boss says she would like to have a little chat with you, and requests that you stop by the caboose next time you’re in the area.
Dondo “When you gotta go…“ (1087) had the pleasure of taking two FAA inspectors up to Paine Field. He reports he was shaking, but says once he offered them a beer they seemed to relax and so did he. Unfortunately, he decided to fly under the only large cloud in the sky and, suprisingly enough, hit a bit of turbulence there. Dondo’s beer fell off the panel and into the FAA guy’s lap. Even more unfortunately, the FAA guys were on their way to meet one of their supervisors, and the incident caused it to appear as though he had wet himself.
Some hours later, the Boss received a faxed policy letter from the FAA, stating that no FAA employee shall be kept in any aircraft without adequate restroom facilities for a period exceeding thirty minutes. Any flight anticipated to take longer than that shall be planned with appropriate stops to accommodate this policy.
Thanks, Dondo. And as to the new pair of Nikes, I’ll deduct the cost against the necessary bribe.
Andy “White Knuckles” Booth (1046) made his first official jet flight this week and reports it was great. Captain Joel, on the other hand, didn’t say much of anything and simply made his shaky way to the coffeepot, poured himself a cup, “improved” it from the flask in his flight bag, and drank it in one gulp. You know, he seems to do a lot of that after these test flights...
Newly-anointed Private Pilot Vernon “Screech” Christie (1148) was sent out to make five touch & goes after the Boss watched him land. He reports that things went well as he made four good landings. However, the fifth landing left a bit to be desired. Like wheels.
Vernon, the Boss wants to know what you’re doing talking to a mechanic? Don’t you know what the duct tape behind the seat is for?
Johan “Flying Dinghy” Beyens (1047) took a load of building supplies up to Nathan Myhrvold’s place at Lake Cushman this week. Remembering past experiences with aluminum-eating fish in the Renegade, he decided to get out of the water as quickly as possible and up onto shore... where his plane apparently tried to mate with a fishing boat. At least, that’s what we assume all the cussing was about.
Lars Peter “Mile High“ Galaasen (1052) discovered the value of the minibar in the Beechjet as a passenger-management device this week. He reports that the runway lights at Grand Canyon National were non-functional, so he was obliged to land in the near-dark. With full reverse thrust and speedbrakes, the plane stopped at the end of the runway and his passengers boarded, expressing some doubts as to the safety of the flight. However, there was no time to lose, as the little remaining light was fading fast and they needed to be off the ground before he couldn’t see the runway at all. His passengers didn’t say a word during takeoff (being too busy scribbling their last will and testament on a napkin with Mrs. Lovebird’s eyebrow pencil). However, once in the air, they discovered the minibar. A few minutes later, they apparently set about confirming everything everyone has ever heard about newlyweds. It’s truly amazing what people will do when they think they’re going to die. It’s also a good thing the Beechjet has a “black box” video recorder that was installed backwards so that it faces the cabin instead of the cockpit.
The passengers deplaned in good spirits which persisted at least until the Boss called them to request payment for the video tape they had inadvertently and unknowingly left behind. It may be said that PGA thrives on the generosity of some of its customers.
Matt "The Broken Baron" (1111) reported back after a mostly uneventful flight: “Just one hard landing. Might want to tell the boss that I had to dish out $517.00 for paint and Duct tape.”
The Boss is getting where she instinctively reaches with one hand for the aspirin and with the other hand for the checkbook when The Baron phones in.
Dylan Cummins (1016) bore the brunt of Bouncing Betty’s wrath this week on approach to Half Moon Bay. It seems some unknown but enterprising PGA pilot had decided blackmail might solve his problems with being vectored until he had to declare a fuel emergency every time he flew. It seems Betty was invited for a perfectly innocent midnight ride in the Beechjet. Later, a little morphing and editing on the PGA reservations computer revealed to everyone’s utter shock some highly illicit footage of Betty involving a hairdryer, a riding crop, and a set of standard-issue S.F.P.D. handcuffs welded to an eggbeater.
Betty was not amused. She has once again declared war on PGA, and attempted to vector Dylan into a mountain on the way to Half Moon Bay. Dylan saw the trap just in time, however, and escaped with only a little paint scraped off the port wingtip. Unfortunately, the noise woke the dogs and he was obliged to sedate one with his fist. He got the plane down on the runway in one piece, and comments that while it wasn’t the prettiest landing he has ever made, he wasn’t going around with those stinking dogs in the cockpit any longer than he had to.
Amazing... a near-death experience and he’s more annoyed by the smell of wet dog than anything.
The Barely Dressed Flying Dutchman (1124) startled the ramp crew at Arlington when he arrived at 3:00 in the morning with a load of anti-virus to save the FS2K flight from its indiscretions. It wasn’t exactly his arrival that startled the ramp crew, but rather his appearance… and more specifically the appearance of certain parts of his anatomy. Yes, it IS hard to zip up when your pants are inside-out, isn’t it? Just be glad it wasn’t any colder outside, Richard.
Richard “Forgiven but not Forgotten“ Stokoe (1122) finished flying his penance charters for borrowing a company jet without the appropriate license or permission this week. He was obliged to cart the tail section of Mr. Cutter’s Beechjet all around the Puget Sound area at VP Dave Spurlock’s whim. On the final leg of the roundabout journey, he departed from Wax Orchards with a 30-kt crosswind and nearly lost the starboard wing. He reports he’ll never try to do that again… although it’s very clear that he hasn’t considered what he might do if the Boss were chasing after him with her priming crank handle. His final statement before returning to regular duty was, “I NEVER EVER want to see Mr Cutter. His cronies, er, I mean his "associates" are scary!”
Geoff “Real Men Don’t Use Maps” McLean (1071) ended up “looking in the wrong place for Calistoga.” He reports that he thought they got there too quickly. After spending ten minutes looking for the airport, he finally sneaked a look at the map, whereupon he discovered that he 1) was not anywhere that looked like where he thought he was, and 2) had made an error when he tuned NAV2. On the bright side, he doesn’t think any of the “brass” noticed, as they were deep in some discussion about some attack they were planning or other.
David “Lovesick” Morgan (1014) had been looking forward to flying RT4 all week. The first passenger to arrive was the middle-aged commuter from Byron, who immediately got in the back and fell asleep. The second passenger, a 30-something man, came along and also got in the back, which left things just as David had hoped. Sure enough, the secretary turned up, a few minutes late, looking charmingly ruffled. She slipped into the front seat next to him. He turned to business, taxiing out, opening his IFR flight plan, and taking off for Byron. By the time he’d engaged the autopilot, she’d let her hair down and loosed the top button of her blouse. With the two in the back fast asleep, they spent a very pleasant quarter hour “just chatting about everything and nothing.” Alas, Byron came up all too soon and he was obliged to turn his attention back to his job… well, most of his attention, anyway. He sighed after watching his favorite passenger since he started flying with PGA leave, then headed for South County. Bouncing Betty even got him to the ILS at SJC on the first try. He was last seen floating around, tying down his plane and drifting off towards home.
Chris "I Got Troubles" Bell (1135) seemed to have the company gremlin on board his plane this week. An engine failure going into Easton State and a series of radio failures kept his flights from getting too boring. Upon hearing this, veteran PGA pilots just nodded knowingly and handed him another cup of coffee.
After literally hundreds of hours of VFR flying, Darby "So That's What That's For" Willcox (1013) finally mastered the use of his electronic navigation gear. Always frustrated whenever it came time for a check ride, Darby hired a special tutor. Evidently the tutor was able to explain the techniques of instrument flying in words of two syllables or less, because our intrepid Captain from Down Under finally grasped the concepts and techniques. Overjoyed with his newfound talent, he chased down every Check Ride pilot he could find to show off. Now he's hanging around the hangar and refuses to take off unless visibility is below 3 miles in fog.
John "Don't Quit Your Day Job" Wilding (1121) showed up for work suffering from a massive hangove….uh, stomach flu. Nonetheless, he found himself needing to shuttle around some photographic equipment, and in the course of things decided to show off his talents as a photographer. He turned in several rolls of film to be developed. When Baldrick returned from the 1 Hour Photo Shop, it was discovered that the pictures were all a solid gray. This might be because he took his pictures when the ceiling was overcast at 500, 1500, and 6000. Alternatively, it might be because he was holding the camera backwards so it took shots of his grey coat. Either way the lesson is clear – don’t drink, fly, and take photos all at the same time.
5 May 2001
Payday Late
PGA pilots were once again obliged to wait for their pay... er, hang on a minute. This isn’t news. Next story !
PGA Moves -- New Location, Same Address
After months of headaches with site providers that didn’t require banner advertising on sites and then did and then shut down altogether, the Boss has taken it upon herself to acquire some paid space through her ISP and shift the domain name over to that site. What does this mean for you ? It had better mean faster loading pages, for one, and absolutely NO banner ads or popups or any of that garbage whatsoever. Never. Not EVER. Well, okay, not unless the Boss receives an offer of a few thousand bucks or something, but aside from that highly unlikely circumstance, never ever ever again will our site be polluted by ugly and obnoxious advertisements. We have enough "ugly and obnoxious" around this hangar with you lot.
Anyway, PGA will remain at "pierglass.com" for at least another year, which is how long until the domain registration expires. So for those of you afraid that PGA might close down in the near future, put those fears to rest – I may fall behind a bit now and again (especially after the kind of month I’ve had), but I have a vested interest in keeping it open for at LEAST another year.
Top Pilots
Ummm... what week is this again? For that matter, what month is it? Okay, all of you are hereby dubbed "top pilot" for sticking around while I got the books straightened out. Thanks for your patience!
(Yeah, so it's a cop-out... cope! ;))
Promotions
* Dave Keeran (1031) has been promoted to Senior Captain, (Cat I)
* Frank A. Klesnik, III (1123) has been promoted to ATP
* Brian Russell (1143) has been promoted to ATP
* Eivind Strom (1017) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Matthew Preston (1082) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Dondo (1087) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
* Itai Schlesinger (1119) has been promoted to Student Pilot
* Matt Graveston (1163) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Congratulations all!
Richards Demotes Self to Pilot
Now-former PGA treasurer Michael Richards and the nice auditor sent over by the IRS a few weeks ago discovered a little « error » in one of the Excel spreadsheets he used to calculate the books and records of the company. After spending several hours in a darkened hangar under a single light being thoroughly questioned by said agent and a couple of his associates, Richards emerged a bit shakily and announced that, as part of the deal he cut to avoid prose… er, something really nasty, he would no longer be able to serve as treasurer for the corporation. In response to this announcement, Richards berated himself severely and, as his final act as an officer of the corporation, demoted himself to line pilot.
We regret (more than you know) that Michael's role in senior PGA management has come to an end. Michael had this to say about his departure :
I have been trying to write this for the past few days and it never seems to come out right so here it is even if it comes out wrong.
I want thank everyone that I have worked with over the last year and a half. The pilots have been great, the missions fun, and the parties we didn't have were the best. Unfortunately circumstances require that I cut back my involvement with PGA and return to the flight line as a regular pilot. I know that I leave everything in good hands.
The whole reason that we set up PGA as we did is that it would survive the loss of any member of management and go on. It is now apparent with Peter's and now my leaving the management team that the idea worked. Our leaving may have caused some ripples but that's about all. PGA goes on.
Again I want to thank Peter, Dave, Luke (yeah, even you Luke) and especially Shanya, (a.k.a. The Boss) for the fun of working with you all and hope you will stay in touch. You know where I park my planes and you will usually find me at one of them if I'm on the ground. To all you PGA pilots, have fun, keep the shiny side up and the pointy end going forward. You are the best!
Clear Skies
Michael
Local Finance Firm Changes Hands
Cutter & Associates has announced its esc.., er withdrawal from the San Francisco aircraft finance market. A newly arrived cro... er, businessman who we understand comes to us from a very "competitive" background will be taking over the aircraft loan activities. To those who may have the misf.. er, the honour of knowing him already, his name is Jo Lerequin and we are told he will be picking up Cutter’s business as soon as Cutter finishes packing his desk. In the meantime, Cutter is accepting no new loan applications, although payments will still be expected as usual on existing loans. Loan applications will be accepted by Lerequin as soon as the business paperwork is complete.
It is reported that Cutter is giving over control of his west coast holdings in favor of Lerequin as a sort of consola… er, um, gesture of goodwill to celebrate the marriage of Cutter’s daughter, Miss Stone « that’s pronounced sto-NAY » Cutter, and Lerequin’s nephew, Pelagic. Cutter himself has decided to retire to someplace warm, sunny, and with no extradit… GACK !
We regret that the author of this article has met a rather sudden, messy, and decidedly untimely demise. The remainder of the article has been cancelled out of respect for the family of the deceased. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Richard De Kok Press-Gan... er, Appointed Supervisor
After careful deliberation by the board of directors and other likely candidates (we heard a ground crew member saying there had been a game of musical chairs on in the Boss' office but we dismissed such childish gossip), Richard de Kok has been conde... er, appointed as supervisor to replace Michael with his supervisory duties. This means all pilots who formerly reported to Michael now should report to Richard. All the best of PGA luck to you, Richard. God knows with that crew you'll need it...
To all of you who applied for the position, thank you for your applications, and rest assured we’ll keep you in mind for the next round!
Damerval (No, the OTHER One!) Takes Over as Finance Officer
Philippe "Boss’s Pet" Damerval (1007) has been persuaded by his loving wife to take over as PGA’s finance manager. All supervisors from here on out should direct their wage information to Philippe at philippe@pierglass.com.
Good luck, Philippe... you DEFINITELY will need it!
Pilot Reports
5 May 2001
Michael "Mystery Man" Turner (1029) has continued his practice of wearing a fake beard and dark glasses in order to evade the occasionally-vengeful Mr. Cutter, and has as a result taken quite a bit of heat for it. One passenger made snide remarks about PGA not being able to afford razors for their pilots to shave, whereupon Michael stuck said passenger in the back on a canvas fishing stool and then flew through as much turbulence as he could find. Then came the high-finance guys who didn’t seem impressed but didn’t say a thing, despite that their pilot wore dark glasses to fly through the rain.
Michael ditched the glasses for his first flight with Dr. Rainbow Radcliffe, however, and her unqualified love of wildlife became truly evident as he reports she gave him a big hug and a kiss at the end of the flight.
Michael will be relieved to hear that Cutter will soon be leaving the area altogether, and so it should no longer be necessary for him to wear dark glasses and a fake beard. However, he may wish to find a new disguise as soon as the Boss sees the grease all over the inside of her plane…
Johan "Scrrrrraaaaape!" Beyens (1047) has requested the following warning be issued to all pilots:
Keechelas Lake (the one 5 miles West of Kachess) contains large patches of treacherously shallow water that can cause serious harm to your airplane.
Fortunately, a kindly fisherman towed him back into deep water, and he got away again without further incident.
Just prior to this, Johan packed five teenaged girls into the Mooney… after which he suggested we get the Mooney checked because he heard a strange grating noise while taxiing. Are you sure that wasn’t your nerves grating, Johan? That’s an awful lot of giggling teenager in close-quarters...
Matt The "Bookworm" Baron (1111) reports an uneventful flight carting books over to Swanson, but specifies he hopes he won't have to ferry the Boss anywhere in the near future, as his aircraft suffers from, in his own words, an "Amungus smell of Fungus".
Matt... you might try changing your socks now and again, especially when you sleep in your plane!
Vernon "I was in school with the Red Baron" Christie (1148) reports that, after getting the annoying and generally overly inquisitive FAA inspectors over to Paine (they took the opportunity to do some sight-seeing), he dutifully went and practised his landings. He mentions he made several landings at Sky Harbour because he "needed the practice". This raised a number of guffaws from the vicinity of the coffeepot, but someone said that was just the coffee percolating.
David “I Miss My Baron” Morgan (1014) says he encountered “a particularly vicious cloud” that caused his left engine to stop functioning on the way to STS. Hindsight being what it is, he realizes now that he should have just declared an emergency then and there, but being a PGA pilot and wanting to live up to the reputation we have so carefully carved out for ourselves… well, okay, so maybe “carved out” is a rather poor choice of words given the circumstances. Anyway, he boldly pushed on under Oakland’s instructions until he was about 8NM out on one of the last legs before intercepting the ILS for the approach when he suddenly found himself “falling diagonally toward the ground, the plane moving sideways”. Fortunately, he is a PGA pilot and as such has incredibly quick wits and an unflappable demeanor. He did the only thing he could – lowered the landing gear. He touched down sideways on a hill on the outskirts of Santa Rosa and came to a stop with no more than a damaged left engine and a “slightly collapsed” landing gear.
As penance for his sins, David was relegated to the Trainer for his next mission -- and Bouncing Betty in a mood besides. After 15 minutes of random vectoring with him nodding off at the controls, he finally just switched frequencies and requested clearance from SFO tower. One ILS landing later, he was safely on the ground.
“Wheelie” Voodook (1158) reports that after landing, and while taxiing to the terminal, he was surprised by a gusting crosswind that lifted the right wing and, in his own words, “The propeller hit the ground and broke. Sorry”. The Boss says to quit moaning about it -- glue it back on and get back to work.
Mark “Auld Lang Syne” Blades (1077) recalls flying the old Windhawk bird again after a period of suspen.. er, after a prolonged holiday. He mentions the craft’s twitchy style in weather, which he managed to keep under control, impressing his lady passenger in the process. Checking the weather reports from the time of his flight, it seems Blades was, indeed, suffering from that phenomenon known as “pilot-induced weather”, which, strangely enough, seems to only occur under two circumstances – 1) when there is an obnoxious or otherwise disliked passenger in the plane; or 2) when there is a pretty lady in the plane who needs impressing.
And Mark? We replace the radios in the planes on a regular basis from that pile at the back of the hangar.
Rolo “Rain Rain Go Away” Mace (1038) suffered bad weather all the way, even in the outter terrain. He had a bit of trouble when he called approach for vectors ILS and was compelled to fly a missed approach. Betty started in on him then, whereupon he reverted to standard PGA procedure and ignored her, lining up for the ILS on his own. As he says, “long trip and running low on patience.” Yep. We all know THAT feeling.
Darby “But it Was a Toothache!” Wilcox (1013) reports a flight at sunrise and another at sunset, and in between a dental specialist extracted a lot from his credit card. We hope he used a good numbing agent – that can be a very painful procedure.
Later on, Darby went for a flight in the Beechjet. Requesting vectors ILS, yes, as anticipated, that … “woman”… had him all over the southern suburbs of the Bay Area. When he noticed his fuel touching a big fat zero, he requested vectors direct and got passed over to Oakland Approach, who must have been conspiring with Betty to pile in another Beechjet because he was told to climb to 6000. So he switched back to Bay Approach, where Betty continued to be unhelpful. So he had one of those patented PGA “radio failures” and crept into R31L.
Um... how do you “creep” in a Beechjet? Just curious, just curious…
Geoff "What a Rush!" McLean (1071) took off into the fog in his beloved Baron, only to lose all electronics a few moments later. As he says, “yahoo, lost in the fog with a ceiling of 250ft!” It took him all of 12 minutes to find BFI again. The Boss heard about it from the tower, too.
After repairs, he headed for Easton State, where he descended to 3000 and aborted the mission because he didn’t want to be a hole in the ground. So he flew back and made a good ILS approach – you’re right, Geoff. There truly is nothing like seeing the runway 5 seconds before landing. You should try it sometime without the ILS.
Lars Peter “Fuel Gauge” Galaasen (1052) discovered a huge lack of fuel in the left wing just before arriving in Great Falls. Fortunately, he had no problem making it to the airport. Although he reports the airplane was not stable at the finale, he was able to land it in one piece. Next question – was it one unbent piece?
Frank A “Back Away Slowly” Klesnik III (1123) says the grubby bearded guy who picked up all the gear he delivered was mumbling something about the downfall of society, how the CIA was stealing his thoughts and that the Unabomber got it all wrong. Careful, Frank. That guy is one of our best customers, and he always pays in gold or silver coins!
Cristian “Gasp!” Arezzini (1032) got vectored up to 8000 ft in the Trainer with the faulty heater. It was cold, the air was thin, but he survived. But we bet he doesn't wear shorts next time he asks for vectors direct!
Dylan “Round and Round” Cummins (1016) took off in the Beechjet into bad weather, but reports it got better as he approached his destination. Unfortunately, he left the minor detail of descending to a little late and so had to circle BFG a couple of times before calling base. Fortunately, tower wasn’t paying too much attention, because the Boss didn’t get any calls.
Itai “The New Guy” Schlesinger (1119) must have had a nice, uneventful first flight, because he said it was great to fly his first mission for PGA. Well, either that or it was so bad he doesn’t want to tell us about it. Which do you suppose?
Vernon “Blind Man” Christie (1148) took Mr. X on a low and slow flight over the water, with Mr. X navigating through the help of a pair of night vision goggles. Vernon says Mr. X directed him by saying “turn left here, turn right, more, less,” and so on, and was generally a great navigator. There was a moment of tension when suddenly, in the middle of directing him, X said, “oops.” Not what you want to hear under those circumstances. Fortunately, Mr. X had only dropped something, and they proceeded without further incident.
We have to ask, however, what it was Mr. X dropped. That skin condition you’ve developed, Vernon, looks remarkably like scales…
Matt “Duct Tape” Graveston (1163) encountered “a huge thermally, turbulent thing on the entrance to the Narrows.” He suggests that Diane check the seating on the AGP cards and memory in the new computers. He also had to borrow a lump hammer and some duct tape to get the flaps working again, despite that he was “well under the safe speed” when he deployed them... “HONEST!”
A little later, he was at it again... a roller-coaster vectoring capped by the final change. Looking to 253 he saw a Paradise heavy… no problem – the heavy was higher and would pass in front of him. But then Betty vectored the heavy 065... and directed to decend to 1000.
Matt decided that discretion was the better part of valor and so saved the Boss endless grief with a) the FAA, by not taking out a large passenger jet, and b) the mechanics, “‘cos I don’t think Duct tape’ll work on that one...”
You obviously don’t know our mechanics yet, Matt...
Eivind “Purely Hypothetical” Strom (1017) called in with a question… “If, and I say IF, I were unlucky and broke a nose gear and a main gear leg in a heavy landing; what would the consequenses be with regards to the career in PGA? Strictly hypothetical of course.”
Why, you would be handed a roll of duct tape and told to put the nose gear back on before your next flight, of course. What did you think?
Matthew "Nice Flight" Preston (1082) took off early morning from San Jose and headed for Boeing Field. After a while discovered the Mooney doesn’t perform all that well at 25,000 ft. Since he had used up nearly a quarter tank of fuel fighting the headwind and ascending, he descended and landed at Santa Rosa. After a little break to wait for the wind to settle, he drank some coffee, dropped some mail in the mailbox, refueled, and headed out. This time he discovered the Mooney does very well indeed at 10,000 ft. He followed the coast up and had breakfast in Newport, OR, and proceeded on to Seattle. Betty directed him to Boeing Field without incident, and he landed also without incident.
Now, for a PGA pilot that was altogether too nice a flight for comfort… the crew around the coffeepot is taking bets as to what his NEXT flight will be like….