News Archive

The Really Old Stuff

August 1999 - October 1999


 

31 August 1999

BAC Closed

In a sudden... oh, wait. That's last week's news. Sorry.

PGA Open

But you already knew that, didn't you?

Promotions

Congratulations to the Board of Directors of PGA, they have taken on a whole lot of work. Anyone not properly appreciative shall be condemned to flying that old Trainer we have out back to the grand opening of the Seattle branch next month.

Shanya has managed to draft Peter Fellowes, Chris Gasper, Michael Richards, and Joel Rogers as supervisors in addition to herself. Not that they have anyone to supervise but themselves as of this writing, but rest assured they are supervising as no one has ever supervised before, excellent job all of you.

The Brubaker Conspiracy

The recent sudden disappearance of airline mogul Fred Brubaker has been dismissed by local authorities as a case of real life conflicting with fun. Brubaker's former pilots, however, suspected there might be something more to the story. Now the PGA News investigative team has uncovered information that may shed some light on what really happened.

Everyone knew that Fred would make the occasional sudden trip to Chicago, although no one was ever quite clear on the purpose of these trips. However, according to PGA News sources, it seems that Brubaker lead a double life, wealthy and successful airline owner by day, and shady gangster at night. "I'd been in the back room there at BAC a couple of times," says one pilot who refused to be identified, "and you wouldn't believe what went on in that place!"

Sources speculate that Brubaker may have run afoul of some of his Chicago associates and is now wearing a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes at the bottom of Half Moon Bay. "That he has been sighted on another forum is inconclusive," says another pilot on the condition of anonymity. "Literally anyone could log onto that forum and claim to be Fred."

The investigation is continuing, further updates as events warrant.

Board of Directors Committed to Insane Asylum

The entire PGA Board of Directors (Shanya Dzhjonovna, Peter Fellowes, Michael Richards, and Smokintodd) was today rounded up and carted off by the men in white coats. A full week of frantic pulling together of this website left them all sitting in the new PGA office, babbling incoherently about HTML, missions, and quite a lot about Byron (the airport, not the poet). The four were discovered there this morning by Baldrick, who was at first completely unaware that anything was amiss, but he was soon followed by Blackadder, who fortunately was just a bit more quick on the uptake and called the authorities.

The hospital has said that Smokintodd and Mr. Richards are under the influence of better drugs than usual and are resting comfortably. They are both expected to recover shortly and suffer only minor residual insanity. The outlook for Mr. Fellows and Ms. Dzhjonovna, however, is far less optimistic. Despite repeated electroshock therapy and frontal lobotomies, both have continued insisting that the mountains southeast of San Jose are, in fact, only hills.


 

5 September 1999

PGA Survives First Week

Despite a server outage and a billion niggling details that required attention, PGA has survived its first week. Seventeen pilots have signed up since PGA opened its doors on 31 August, bringing the total number of pilots to 23. Of those, sixteen are experienced BAC pilots and seven are new to the charter business. Most hours flown this week goes to Chris Gasper (1005), with 4.18 hours, and this makes him the current top PGA pilot.

Speaking of top pilots, former BAC legend Polo Villate is PGA's most recent hire, anyone gunning for top spot had better get flying.

Officers Appointed

According to Boss Shanya Dzhjonovna, the members of the PGA Board of Directors have been appointed to the following officer positions:

Shanya "That's Still 'Boss' to You" Dzhjonovna - President and Chief Executive Officer

Peter "How Badly Do You Want Your Paycheck" Fellowes - Secretary/Treasurer

Michael "Baron Parts" Richards - Vice President in Charge of Runway Surface Testing

Smokintodd (Need We Say More?) - Vice President in Charge of Other Important Things

 

Darby's Luck

Darby "Black Cat... er, Sheep" Willcox (1013) was heard to call out a "mayday" this week when he found himself having difficulties getting to the PGA office. Management has decided to blame the server outage on him, and advises all PGA pilots to keep an eye out and watch he doesn't cross your path. PGA aircraft and equipment is superior to the BAC stuff, so if any of it fails during a flight it must be Darby's fault.
Senior Captain Resumes Route

PGA Vice President and Senior Captain Michael Richards (1003) has resumed his commuter route, anyone to whom he owes money may now find him at or between San Jose, Santa Rosa, and Sacramento. It is reported that the first leg of the flight went well, despite his managing to find the only rough patch of air in the entire Bay Area between San Jose and Santa Rosa. Apparently Captain Richards also invited one of our state legislators to step off the plane prior to landing, which invitation was not accepted. Captain Richards' pay will be docked for his failure to insist.

On the final leg, Captain Richards turned back to Sacramento because he still has an old BAC radio in his plane and, as expected, it failed. An internal investigation has been initiated into why this experienced BAC pilot would turn back because of a mere radio failure. Pilots are encouraged to speculate loudly when hanging around the coffeepot in the hangar.

Finally, the other PGA pilots look forward to inspecting the landing gear of Baron N9139R upon Captain Richards' return to San Jose. As part of a recent settlement with the airport over bent landing gear, the runways at San Jose are supposed to have been softened and lowered slightly to accomodate Baron 39R's special requirements for landing.


 

12 September 1999

Another Week of Solvency for PGA

Despite attempts by unknown parties to cause dissention in the ranks with inflamatory slogans painted in the dead of night on some of the planes, and despite the Boss's rage over finding splatters of paint marring the new paint job on her DeHavilland Beaver, PGA has made it through yet another week with no fatalities and startlingly little damage to the planes. All pilots are hereby advised that the Boss is getting suspicious over both the lack of damage reports and the rapidly diminishing supplies of grey (duct) tape in the hangar.

Ten new pilots joined the ranks of PGA last week, for a grand total of 33 employees. Louis Leblond (1011) has come in as top pilot, with 7.85 hours flown last week and a grand total of 10.67 hours. Now there's an example for the rest of you! Darby "Nice Try" Willcox (1013) is our number 2 pilot, with 6.47 hours this week and a total of 8.52 hours flown under the PGA banner.
Flight Unlimited III to be Released in U.S. on Tuesday

Not that any of us are excited about that or anything, just thought we'd mention it.

BAC Roster and Fred Located

A mysterious package was found in the plane of PGA director Peter "It's Probably a Bomb from a Baron Driver" Fellowes this morning. After a thorough soaking, the package was carefully opened to reveal that it contained not more propaganda touting the superiority of the Beech Baron over the Piper Arrow, but a copy of the entire Roster from BAC, including all hours and money for each pilot.

The BAC Credit Union trustees have verified the Roster's authenticity, and have agreed to release funds to each pilot in accordance with the numbers on thereon. We expect to finalize the paperwork on that transaction later this week.

A few hours later, who should drag his sorry rear into PGA headquarters but the infamous Fred "Fly By Night" Brubaker himself. He has applied for a position as a pilot with the up-and-coming airline, his application is currently undergoing careful scrutiny, as will his flying we're sure....
Promotions

For all of his hard work and effort, Louis "Private Pilot" Leblond (1011) has been promoted to Private Pilot, and therefore has the distinction of being the first pilot to be promoted in PGA history. Congratulations, Louis!
Boss on Vacation?

Shanya "Slavedriving Bi... er, Hello Boss" Dzhjonovna (1001) has been heard muttering something about needing a vacation. Sources in the office say that she is expected to drop off the face of the planet for ten days commencing at the end of next week. However, all pilots should be assured that PGA is set up so that normal (or whatever passes for normal) operations will continue in her absence, further instructions will be given to affected pilots and supervisors later in the week. Those same sources also report that the Boss appears to have figured out the fine art of delegation and thus will be chaining Peter "Now Accepting Bribes" Fellowes (1002) and Michael "Power-Mad" Richards (1003) to desks in the office where they will stay until she returns, unless someone manages to slip them a pair of bolt-cutters.

Darby Retires from Cleaning Darby "Clean Your Own Plane" Willcox (1013) has announced that he is hanging up his cleaning rag as regards any plane but his own, since it has become something of a full-time job for him to keep the planes he flies himself up to PGA standards. From here on out, white-glove inspections of Darby's plane will be held every time he sets down in San Jose, several white gloves have been stocked in the high cabinet above the coffeepot, all pilots are encouraged to participate and offer suggestions as to how he might do a better job.

Coffeepot

Whoever has been making that first pot of coffee in the mornings, you make coffee by adding water to the pot, not aircraft engine oil.

Pilot Reports

The crash trucks came out in honor of Mike "Hot Brakes" Harrison (1021) at Buchannan this week when his flaps failed to deploy and he touched down at a higher speed than is recommended given the length of runway 01R. Although he rolled off the end of the runway, he managed to avoid damage to either plane or property until overzealous firefighting personnel sprayed foam around the smoking wheels of the plane as a precautionary measure, thus completely trashing whatever was left of the brakes.

Louis "Lights Out" Leblond (1011) managed to land safely at Moffet earlier this week during a dawn flight when his aircraft suffered an electrical failure. This was the second electrical failure this week for the intrepid new pilot. For anyone wishing to speak with Leblond about the example he set by getting all those hours in last week, he was last seen heading for the PGA maintenance hangar after muttering something about "having a few words with the guy who takes care of my bird."

Dick "Bull in the China Shop" Lisboa broke the china coming into Gnoss on Wednesday with a landing that nonetheless left the gear intact. The PGA Runway Hardness Investigation Officer has been dispatched to the scene to determine if the problem was with Lisboa's landing technique or an overly hard runway.

Dave "Gasping for Air" Keeran (1031) gets this week's award for smelliest plane. Between Mrs. Phelz getting sick and a load of livestock, no one has been able to get within 50 yards of the plane without being knocked flat by the stench.

Student pilot Urs "Chainsaw" Müger (1028) trimmed the trees at the end of the runway at Delta on takeoff the other day, having calculated takeoff over a 50-foot obstacle according to the standard in the Pilot Operating Handbook. He was startled to discover that the trees were, in fact, slightly over 50 feet. Müger also suffered an engine failure that trip and made a brilliant emergency landing at Travis AFB. Nonetheless, the passengers on the flight were less than impressed, someone is going to have to clean the plane.

Urs also apparently has taken on as Michael "Thump" Richards' apprentice, and determined that the runway surface at Half Moon Bay is too hard for some types of landings.

Darby "Quit Picking on Me" Willcox (1013) has had another spot of his usual luck, it is reported that the FAA is investigating charges that he has been buzzing the tower at Napa. When cornered, Willcox groused that the tower controller is "positively dangerous" and had threatened to shoot him down. PGA officials, remembering what a good job Darby did washing planes, were going to hire a firm known as "Broken Knees Alternative Dispute Resolution Service" to represent him in the upcoming mediation. However, in light of recent developments, said officials have decided to spend the money on an aircraft cleaning service instead.


 

17 September 1999

Boss on Vacation

Shanya "I'm Outta Here" Dzhjonovna has loaded her DeHavilland Beaver and is headed for the far north. Not content to take a sensible sort of vacation that might actually involve rest and relaxation, she is planning to spend about ten days on the Upper Yukon River hunting moose, bear, and the occasional Park Service employee. No need to point out that it would take most of the ten days to get there and back again in the Beaver, fortunately she's not starting from San Jose...

As previously reported, PGA operations should continue pretty much as normal in the Boss's absence, any questions or complaints should be directed to Peter Fellowes (1002) or Michael Richards (1003). Shanya has asked that everyone please clean up the hangar after the party, and while she wants to be able to make the next rental payment on the hangar, she doesn't want to hear about anything when she gets back. So just fly like you normally do and make doubly sure you don't get caught.

PGA to Purchase BAC

Pier Glass Aviation has entered into negotiations to acquire Bay Area Charter. Fred Brubaker, President and CEO of BAC, has reviewed his new circumstances and concluded that he will be unable to reinstate the airline anytime in the forseeable future. Fred and Shanya are working out a deal whereby PGA will purchase all of BAC's assets, including routes, customer base, aircraft, and the piles of spare radios and other parts still in the hangar at Half Moon Bay. News of the acquisition of the spare BAC radios and parts was so welcome that many of the former BAC pilots broke down in tears upon hearing and were unable to comment.

It is anticipated that the deal will close in the next few weeks, sometime after the Boss gets back from her trip. The only detail of the negotiations that has come out is that, as part of the deal, Fred will address Shanya as "Boss" from here on out.

Bay Area Credit Union Under Investigation

The Trustees of the Bay Area Credit Union (BACU) have released the funds held by that institution to the former BAC pilots. However, federal investigations continue into the operations of BACU. Apparently, there is evidence that BACU was backed, in part, by certain "businessmen" in the Chicago area who are currently being investigated for tax fraud among other things. Former BAC pilots should count their lucky stars that they were able to receive their money at all.

Officials say they expect the information regarding outstanding BACU loans may be released in approximately two weeks, so anyone with an outstanding loan should party now and plan to resume that harried and indebted look then.

Jet Pilot Gone Missing

PGA's only rated jet pilot, Joel "Eat My Wake Turbulence" Rogers (1006) was to have taken delivery of his new BeechJet this week. However, no one has heard from BACU's number one customer since Tuesday, and it is feared he may have taken delivery directly from the factory and gone looking for hurricanes.

Pilot Reports

Richard "Short Circuit" Branch (1030) has been getting a BAC-style initiation into the PGA ranks. In the course of his first six missions he suffered two radio stack failures and one engine failure. The mechanics have taken to hiding when they see his plane land at San Jose.

Carsten "Hypoxia" Luckman (1018) has reported that the runway conditions at South County were unusually hard this week, at least in a crosswind after he'd flown nearly an hour while feeling ill and trying not to breathe the smell of livestock. The PGA Runway Surface Testing Officer, who coincidentally also is Luckman's supervisor, has begun an investigation into the situation, and after the first test reported that he "couldn't tell" if he bent his plane on landing. Make of that what you will.

New pilot Corrie "Birdwatcher" Rynberk (1032) quietly reported to his supervisor that he spotted an SR-71 landing at Travis on Monday. It appears that Rynberk learns quickly, as he has made no mention of this sighting to anyone around the hangar. However, in an instance that may or may not be related, Corrie subsequently found both an aircraft identification guide and a guide to the birds of North America in his locker with the respective pages on "blackbirds" clearly marked.

Dave "Two Tanks" Keeran (1031) developed a leak in the left fuel tank of the Arrow he was flying on the way to Livermore the other day. Fortunately, as the engine spluttered to a stop he remembered he had another tank and a turn of the fuel selector saved the day, thus depriving us of an opportunity to harass him over making a forced landing with one full tank and the selecter turned to the empty one.

Louis "Lucky" Leblond (1011) was making a few touch & goes at Livermore in the Arrow when he inadvertently cut off a Beaver from long-time BAC rival airline Oakland Air Charters. Fortunately, the tower controller had just celebrated a birthday for which PGA President and CEO Shanya "Unbalanced Hartzell" Dzhjonovna provided the entertainment. The OAC pilot (who was reportedly quite rude to Leblond) has been reported to the FAA and Leblond was commended for his quick thinking in avoiding an accident.


 

24 September 1999

BOSS STILL AWAY

Well its now six days since the Boss was taken by those men in white, er sorry wrong script. Its six days now since the Boss went on a well earned vacation and I`m sure you will all join with me in wishing that she is enjoying the peace and quite that only life in a log cabin miles from civilization can bring. Not for her the soft option of a five star hotel on some sun kissed beach. Watching the sun slowly sink below the horizen with a long cool drink in her hand. Stupid I call it.

BAC CREDIT UNION

The investigation into what has become known as the "Great BAC Credit Union Scandle" goes on a pace. Latest reports to have reached your reporter are not good. PGA pilots who purchased aircraft under this scheme should be rightly worried, until at least any reports are made public. A word of caution, Beechjets are harder to hide than Trainers.

PILOT REPORTS

Top pilot this pay period in terms of hours flown is Chris"Anywhere for money"Huhta (1034) with 9.78 hours, and a very close second, Dave"Sick bag"Keeran(1031) with 9.62 hours. Well done to both of you.

Dylan"Does nothing work"Cummins(1016) reports on PPL 7 of engine failure after take off, after turning back for repairs his Nav stack burned out. He thinks the PGA planes are no more reliable than the BAC ones were. Well Dylan I`m concerned you have got as far as PPL 7 before you worked that out.

Urs"Not in darkness"Munger(1028) decided during PPL 9 to stop overnight at the Airport Hilton Napa and continue to Moskowite in daylight. He wants to know how anybody can be expected to land at an unlighted airstrip in those conditions. Well Urs I used to find squinting and the odd prayer helped.

Dave"Bend em"Keeran(1031) has not been to fortunate with his flying skills. A few extracts from his log book this week. Damage gear by clipping top of hill after take off from Bony Doon. Damage to wing tip during taxi. Left fuel tank damage due to dragging port wing on the ground. Its alright Dave I wont tell the Boss. She can read this herself.

Well done to the rest of you for all your hard work this week,space restricts from mentioning all of your pireps. You are all a fine bunch of pilots.

Congratulations to Chris Huhta(1034) on his promotion from Ground Crew to SPL.

Well another week to go before the Boss returns and...... Right who was that? who was cheering? come on own up, theres no need for the clapping either, right stop that right now.


 

30 September 1999

Boss Returns

Well unless you have been stuck at Moskowite due to bad weather or been living in a cellar (and if so get out I was here first) you will have seen the happy face of the Boss around San Jose. I dont know if shes happy because she had a good vacation or just happy to be back, only time will tell. However we all welcome her return, even Michael"Can I stay in charge a little longer" Richards.

Promotions

Congatulations go this week to Carsten Luckman (1018) and Alex Pimienta (1024) on their well deserved promotion to PPL and also Andy Perry (1036) and Luckxcom (1039) who have both been promoted to SPL. Well done to all four of you and keep the props turning.

FU III

Well FU III seems to have made an impact on some of you and I`m glad to see some of you are trying the new aircraft on the present missions. There appears to be a few teething problems learning how the thing should be set up and how the weather works. Stick with it and any tips, ideas or hints please put them on the forum for the benefit of other pilots.

Missions

New missions are to be added shortly for both the SFO area and for Seattle, and you will see the old BAC missions removed as the buy out of BAC by PGA is completed. These BAC missions will become asorbed into the PGA system so those of you who have started to fly them will not miss out on anything.

Seattle

PGA has just completed talks in Seattle and I can tell you that our new base in that area is to be Boeing Field. Some of you may wish to start to have a look around that area so you dont get lost in the future.

Promotions

Just a reminder to all pilots that just because you reach the required hours and money for promotion it is not automatically given, you must apply through your supervisor. Promotion to ATP is by way of a small written exam which upon application your supervisor will send to you.

Log Book Extracts

Andy "Oh no the engines stopped" Perry (1037) gets my vote this week for flying ability. On SPL 6 he suffered an engine failure and made an emergency landing at Moskowite. Most pilots find it hard enough to land at Moskowite let alone an emergency landing with a dead engine. Well done Andy.

Alex "Short cut" Pimienta (1024) thought his flight on SPL 14 was taking to long and so he took a short cut by flying through the three hangers at Moffet. He claims the "voices" made him do it, but does not say if the "voices" belonged to ATC or as a result of attending to many parties recently.

Corrie "I`m a day person" Rynberk (1032) was glad SPL 5 is a day flight as he likes to see where he is going. However it was a little bumpy and he says he had his breakfast twice, once on the way down and once coming up. Now thats what I call real value, pay once have it twice.

Captain "Its dark again" Blackadder (1020) is another day person. He hates night flying. Never used to do it in the Sopworth Pup so dont see why I should do it now. Only just made the landing on SPL 4.

Dave "Bad weather" Keeran (1031) on CPL 4 says with all the bad weather he is lucky to be alive but thinks it was not as bad as it could have been. Well Dave take it from someone who wrote the missions your right there, it gets worse, a lot worse.

Louis "I love the Mooney" Leblond (1011) After a reasonable flight on BAC 201 had an argument with the runway at Buchanan and damaged the landing gear. This case has been refered to the Runway Hardness Testing Department for further investigation. On checking pilots records it has been confirmed that Louis is not a member of the above department. All pilots have been warned before about not testing runway hardness without the approved protective clothing and training.


 

6 October 1999

Top Pilots

Fred "No Life" Brubaker takes top honors this week for most hours flown with an incredible 10.3 hours for his first week under the PGA banner. Good job, of course the rest of you harass him so much around the hangar it's not surprising that he's anxious to spend as much time in the air as possible.

PGA directors have noted that Brubaker has only flown BAC missions this week, while it's nice to see him in the skies again you might have thought he would try a PGA mission for a change.... However on flying BAC 307 with the Renegade he claims he met bad weather and ATC ran him into the side of a hill. The Renegade was still in one piece (just) and he limped all the way back to HMB where we patched him up with the first-aid kit and sent him out again right away.

He also comments that if any pilots dont want to get paid for their flights then the pay should be put into the supervisors beer kitty. Good idea.

Top pilot overall in terms of total hours flown for PGA is Dave "Always Flying" Keeran, with a total of 28.99 hours, followed by Louis "I'll Catch Him Yet" Leblond with 25.32 hours.

Unauthorized News Page Under Investigation

While the Boss was away slaughtering wildlife all over the fragile taiga of the upper Yukon River, someone apparently broke into the PGA offices and published unauthorized news pages. While suspicions and accusations have been flying, circumstantial evidence points to Peter "Who, Me?" Fellowes as the most likely author.

However, authorities say Fellowes could not have acted alone.

"He may have done the writing," says Special Investigator Torpor of the San Jose Rent-a-Cops, "but that Baron driver, he would have had to run the presses!"

"I know nothing about the news page," Fellowes was heard to say, "and dont think you can link me with the cellar!"

The investigation is continuing.

Bay Area Credit Union

Internal Revenue Service officials today announced that the records of the Bay Area Credit Union (BACU) will require further scrutiny. Wanted for questioning are Joel "Never Heard of Him" Rogers, Shanya "She Died" Dzhjonovna, Robert "Moved to Haiti" Hawkes, Andreas "Who?" Schmitz-Schunken, and John F. "Nope, Haven't Seen Him" Brubaker. Anyone with information as to the whereabouts of any of these people please contact management immediately, we'd like to have a private word with you behind the hangar.

BAC Acquisition Proceeding

As part of the acquisition process, the wallpaper from the BAC offices at Half Moon Bay was stripped, tucked into a very large barbeque grill, and transferred to the PGA offices. PGA officers are pleased with the new look for PGA, even if the chart in the pattern is from the Dallas-Fort Worth area.

New contracts are being negotiated with BAC clients, and the former BAC missions and routes will be popping up within the PGA structure.

But What About Seattle?

PGA has rented appropriate hangar and office space at Boeing Field in Seattle and Michael "Renegade" Richards is out drumming up new clients and testing runway surfaces. Richards reports that water is much softer than dirt or concrete and has made a recommendation that PGA purchase him a Renegade of his own so that he may also perform water quality testing. Needless to say, we laughed him out of the boardroom.

Richards was last heard muttering something about an amphip conversion for a Baron.

Pilot Reports

Dave "Navigator" Keeran is the first pilot to have completed CPL 8. Unfortunately, he let it go to his head that he "took his eye off the ball" and spent several minutes wondering why no one was talking to him on the radio before he noticed his radio was dead. It is also noted that Keeran doesn't think the honor of flying the Boss around is worth much. What he didn't know is she was standing right behind him when he said that... We note his luck hasn't changed much at all.

Captain "Pass the Wine" Blackadder (1020) managed to find Nut Tree this week, but apparently lost a case of wine in the process. Later on in the week, the intrepid Blackadder suffered a total electrical failure but managed to avoid crashing behind enemy lines unless you consider the people in Napa tower to be the enemy and he just might after that whole episode.

Speaking of enemies in the tower, Travis Approach called the Boss today about a PGA pilot calling her a "flakey spry tart" every time she asked for his destination. Blackadder has been requested not to allow Baldrick to operate the radio in the future.

Louis "Engine Out" Leblond (1011) landed safely at Byron after the Mooney he was flying decided to try things as a glider. The German tourists he had on board were delighted with the experience, in part because they survived. In a related incident, the owner of an old Trainer that had been left on the field in Byron called the Boss today and asked if she had any idea how his plane ended up in San Jose. Nope. Not a clue.

New pilot Ole-Jørgen "*&%$ Trainer!" Søberg (1049) suffered two engine failures on his first two PGA flights in his own Trainer this week, one instance resulting in an unscheduled emergency landing (haven't you learned yet to schedule those?) at Hayward. A roll of duct tape and baling wire later and Søberg was able to deliver the china in perfect condition.

The fumes in Corrie "What's that Smell?" Rynberk's (1032) plane must be getting interesting, after a bottle of Chateau Plonk broke in his plane during the preceding flight, Rynberk and his passengers all reported sighting an Egyptian-style pyramid near Travis AFB. Must be good stuff...!


 

14 October 1999

Another week, another payday, another bunch of pilots terrorize the bars all along the west coast of the U.S....

Top Pilots

Stephen "I Live in My Plane" Bull (1041) takes top honors this week with 10.98 hours flown since last payday, now that's the way things should be done! Louis "I Like Money" Leblond is second with 7.34 hours.

But Louis has the top spot for total hours flown for PGA with 32.66 hours. Close behind is Dave "I Cleaned My Plane" Keeran (1031) with 31.79 hours.

Promotions

Louis Leblond (1011) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot
Stephen Bull (1041) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Morten Holmer-Jensen (1052) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Thomas Pielhau (1043) has been promoted to Student Pilot
Rip (1042) has been promoted to Student Pilot

Congratulations all of you!

BAC Stockholders See Some Cash

Today, all former Bay Area Charter stockholders received cash for their BAC shares. The lawyers (with pained looks on their faces) carefully distributed checks to each shareholder who could be found. After the dust settled (and the Boss did some heavy negotiating), former BAC shareholders have received $20 per share, which is a lot more than they had any right to expect. Any complaints heard will be subject to a complaint tax payable to PGA. So watch what you say around the hangar...

Darby's Fishing

Darby "Fishbait" Willcox (1013) went fishing last week, and came back reporting that the fish were most accomodating. They certainly were! This picture was taken by one of PGA's fishing charter clients who happened to be on the scene at the time:

fishing for Darby

 

It appears that Darby was perhaps a bit more successful than he had anticipated. We'd like to hear how it was he escaped. All pilots are advised to use caution when skimming just above the water of Darby's fishing spot.

The photographer was quite excited by the revelation that a shiny floatplane seems to make an excellent lure for the elusive giant pike, and has requested a charter back to the area involving some, er, special services on the part of both pilot and plane. Management is not returning his phone calls.

On a totally unrelated note (completely unrelated, nothing to do with the above image at all), the Boss is looking for a pilot to go fishing with her next weekend.

Pilot Reports

Corrie "Night Owl" Rynberk (1032) has finally figured out the trick to this night flying business is to open one's eyes. In the wake of this discovery, he has decided to abandon his practice of carrying a spare pair of trousers in his flight bag during night flights. He has, however, put in a request for some "external passenger containers..." Management is looking into the availability of such, someone must make them and if they don't we'll soon have a patent.

Andy "Hoof It" Perry (1036) made a forced landing in a field near Petaluma after an electrical failure the other day, forcing his passengers to make the remaining half mile to the airport under their own power. Unfortunately, after they left, a herd of goats that lived in his landing field came along and ate much of his plane. Try explaining that one to the insurance company...

Fred "Fox" Brubaker (1033) got tossed around in the weather while ferrying some bees and their pet scientists around this week, but the bees remained in the container this time, a good thing too. He has made a suggestion to the local FAA that ATC allow pilots to request a smoother flight level. A novel concept, reports are that the FAA and ATC people have been getting a good laugh over it.

Stephen "Propstrike" Bull (1041) appears to have taken up trying to learn the fine art of redesigning aircraft on the fly... or rather on the land. His specialty seems to be props and (of course) crankshafts, some fine examples are to be seen and examined in the hangar. The first set was bent in an attempt to land below the runway at Napa County, and the second in a less ambitious roll down a hill after landing off the end of a runway with passengers aboard.

Insurance Rates Increase

The Boss reports that insurance rates have gone up again, so all pilots are asked to fly even more, longer hours and all, so we will be able to pay the premium.


 

21 October 1999

New Supervisor Added

The incredible growth of PGA has caused us to require another supervisor. We are pleased to announce that Bjørn O. "What Have I Gotten Myself Into" Henjum (1044) has been suckered... er, selected for the great honor of becoming a Supervisor. Congratulations Bjørn!

Top Pilots

This week's top pilot is Rip "Rip" (1042) with 10.27 hours. Close behind is Darby "Number Two" Willcox (1013) with 9.09 hours. Good job both of you!

Louis "Number One" Leblond (1011) remains PGA's top overall pilot with a total of 37.95 hours flown. Dave "Catching Up" Keeran (1031) is close behind with 36.7 hours.

Promotions

Baron von Fellowes (1051), David Bullent (1054), and Kyle Schoolmaster (1055) have all been promoted to Student Pilot. Congratulations!

BAC Credit Union Loans Purchased

The IRS finally released the loans held by the now officially defunct BAC Credit Union, having begrudgingly found them to be valid and legal. The loans were purchased by Harrington & Associates last night in a flurry of negotiation, and Maxwell Harrington has announced the company will begin collecting on the loans right away. Sorry guys, the holiday is over! Debts will be posted on the Roster as appropriate.

Under the arrangement with Harrington, fifty percent of all money earned each week (starting next payday) will be put towards the outstanding debt. If anyone wishes to pay more on an outstanding debt, please e-mail the Boss and she will arrange it.

VP Smokintodd Appointed Auditor

On the basis of his tendency to e-mail the Boss with errata and questions about information posted on the Roster, $mokintodd (1004) has been appointed official PGA auditor. This finally answers the question, "what the heck does it mean to be Vice President of Other Important Stuff"?

External Passenger Compartments Design Phase Complete

On the suggestion of Corrie "Get Out" Rynberk (1032) last week, management set about looking into the availability of external passenger compartments for PGA aircraft. As it happens, no one makes this rather obvious aircraft accessory, although OAC has been known to strap passengers on the struts and gear as external loads. PGA immediately set about designing an appropriate containment system for obnoxious (human) passengers and is applying for a patent on the designs Smokintodd came up while doodling on a napkin over lunch last week.

"It's one of those things that is just so obvious no one had ever thought to do it," the PGA Vice-President and Auditor was heard to comment. "Good thing we had all the pilots sign those agreements that any ideas they come up with on company time belong to the company!"

PGA is now looking for a contractor to build the prototype units, and will be submitting the designs for FAA approval.

Pilot Reports

Louis "Two-Plane" Leblond (1011) left the Renegade in a field 15NM outside of Easton State after the backwards fan mounted on top quit spinning. Fortunately, he was offered and accepted assistance from an elderly gentleman in a '57 Chevy who gave him and his cargo a ride back to Easton where he rented a Piper from OAC and got the parts to their destination. However, OAC has charged triple the usual rate for the use of the Piper, the Boss is asking for volunteers to deliver the payment and a very "special" sort of message to the manager over there.

Ryan "I Wish I Could Write My Own Nickname" Griffin-Stegink (1009) landed a bit long on 32L at Buchanan this week, eliciting a scream of "GET IT DOWN ALREADY!" from an unidentified party. Griffin-Stegink was proposing that he become Ryan "Get it Down" Griffin-Stegink around the hangar. The Boss's comment was something along the lines of well, if you can't get it up...

(What? Of COURSE she meant the plane, you filthy minded louts, if you are in danger of not being able to land without rolling off the end of the runway you should get the plane back in the air right away, you all know that! Why, the very thought of making an off-color joke hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing her mind...)

Corrie "Go Around" Rynberk (1032) apparently hasn't been making sufficient contributions to the SAC tower doughnut fund, he was cleared to land and on short final when ATC cleared a Lear to take off in front of him. He managed to avoid the worst of the wake turbulence, but was, shall we say, less than pleased. After what he called the Tower controller can expect to be sent around several times on his next few trips to SAC.

In an unrelated incident, Rynberk is interested in tips on abject groveling to the Boss. He apparently was engaging in a bit of unauthorized runway testing and (ahem) broke the prop of the 172. Unfortunately, in light of said incident, it seems he requires a note from the Boss for his wife to the effect that he really was hauling shrimp the other night, that's why his hands smelled like that.

 

Peter "Shortcut" Jensen (1048) apparently decided to take the scenic route when taking a load of scientists to view Lick Observatory from the air. He had his NAV radio tuned wrong and ended up going to Lick by way of Pidgeon Point. Fortunately, the scientists were in no hurry, and in fact became excited when through some application of really advanced mathematics they determined the route taken by Jensen was actually shorter than it would have been had he flown direct, even though it took more time and burned more fuel. Apparently, this is a major breakthrough in the field of understanding how lawyers bill for their time, a Nobel Prize is almost certain.

 

Rod "Rough Ride" Harris (1017) met with some turbulence as he flew from Reid-Hillview up to the Golden Gate Bridge and back, and then suffered a radio stack failure on the return leg. After his report, it was discovered that the source of the turbulence likely was hot air rising from several political fundraisers being held along that route.

 

New pilot Baron "Flaps?" von Fellowes (1051) took advantage of his first mission to test the accuracy of the location of the white arc on the airspeed indicator in the Trainer this week by dropping in full flaps at 130 kts on short final. Unfortunately, he dropped the flaps rather farther than he had intended, they were later found in the field at the end of the runway. Von Fellowes now holds the distinction of being the only pilot in PGA history to have successfully made a REAL no-flaps landing, let's just keep it that way, shall we?

 

Kyle "Have Some Cheese With That" Schoolmaster (1055) complains that loading tires onto planes is heavy work. Former BAC pilots are encouraged to have a chat with Kyle, point out how lucky he is, and relate how, back in the old days when that cruel taskmaster Fred was driving us BAC serfs, we dreamed of light tasks such as loading tires onto and off of planes....

 

Dave "Moo!" Keeran (1031) had to go around at R&K Skyranch due to a cow being in the middle of the runway. He complains that the grass runway is difficult to see. The Runway Surface Testing Department says it highly recommends soft cushy grass strips for the type of landing Keeran does in a Mooney. However, it should be noted that Keeran and the head of the Runway Surface Testing Department appear to share a common interest in Diane, the PGA dispatcher at Tacoma Narrows. Anything either says about the other should therefore be taken with that in mind.


 

28 October 1999

Another New Supervisor Added

Once again, PGA's growth has been unprecedented, with 69 pilots it has become necessary to add another supervisor. We are pleased to announce that Dave "He's Stepped In It Now" Keeran (1031) is our newest sucker... er, supervisor. Congratulations Dave!

Dave also has the honor of being the very first in all recorded history to have taken and passed the Pier Glass Aviation ATP Written Exam. We are awed and humbled by his ability to find the relevant information in the FU2 Pilot's Handbook. Again, congratulations Dave!

Top Pilots

Darby "Out in Front" Willcox (1013) is our top pilot this week with 9.01 hours. Number two was Alex "On the Nod" Pimienta (1024) with 6.78, with Rolo "Missed it by That Much" Mace (1038) coming in a close third at 6.35 hours.

Top pilot overall is Smokintodd with 42.87 hours flown for the betterment of PGA, closely followed by Louis "So Close" Leblond with 42.02 hours.

Promotions

Charles Wood (1063) has been promoted to Student Pilot.
Mark Hsu (1057) has been promoted to Student Pilot.
Corrie Rynberk (1032) has been promoted to Private Pilot.
Rip (1042) has been promoted to Private Pilot.
Dylan Cummins (1016) has been promoted to Commercial Pilot.
Dave Keeran (1031) has been promoted to ATP

Congratulations all!

Dents Affect Stock Market

The recent stock market performance of Gandalf Pharmaceutical, manufacturer of the Boss's preferred brand of aspirins, has been linked to the number of new dents on PGA planes this week. Analysts, who will tend to miss the obvious, are working around the clock to understand the connection. Meanwhile, the Boss has just finished reading the pilot reports for the week, taken a couple more asprins, and gone to lie down for a bit.

Clear Air Turbulence Alert

Peter "Roller Coaster" Jensen (1048) is the first to have reported experiencing a particular type of turbulence (possibly a rotor) while flying along by Castro Valley. In his report, he described how, while flying along in nice weather with not much wind, he suddenly encountered heavy turbulence that tossed the plane around and caused his altitude and airspeed indicators to go "crazy."

For those who are unfamiliar, A rotor is a type of turbulence you get in mountainous areas. Rotors occur when wind blows across a ridge. The shape of the terrain causes the wind to pick up kind of a "wave" motion (rather than just blowing in a straight line), and under the crest of each wave may be an area where the air is moving in vertical circles. These vortices can be vicious. FU3 pilots in particular should exercise extreme caution when flying in mountainous areas.

Pilot Reports

Captain "No Smoking" Blackadder (1020) has figured out that, by implying that the plane may explode any minute, the Senators will remain very quiet and not smoke cigars in his plane. Unfortunately, this technique as applied the other day had the rather less-than-desired effect of causing the Senators to propose quite a lot of new legislation regarding aircraft safety. Blackadder assures us that Baldrick has a "cunning plan" to keep us from becoming subject to another pack of laws. Management is skeptical of having Baldrick act as a lobbyist on behalf of the charter industry, but is assured that his cooking almost certainly will put an end to the problem.

 

It's a good thing for Bjørn "Oops" Henjum's (1044) finances that he made supervisor last week. Rumor has it Bjørn was out doing a bit of recreational flying when a freak accident involving a crate of onions, a pad of flight plan forms, a beer can, and a lady in a low-cut dress caused Bjørn to actually rip the yoke right out of his Trainer. Fortunately, Bjørn still had rudder and trim control, so he was able to bring the Trainer in for a safe landing. Unfortunately, every airplane he has stepped into this week has also ended up with broken controls, and as a result, Shanya "Still the Boss" Dzhonovna has Bjørn flying a desk until a new and improved set of controls can be installed in his plane.

 

Alex "AGL" Pimienta (1024) was only briefly perplexed this week by the instruction to stay "below 1000 ft" when his departure airport was at 1999 ft. He solved the discrepancy by taxiing downhill until he was under 1000 ft and then taking off. Management applauds this example of creative thinking, but would like to point out that staying under 1000 ft AGL (that's "Above Ground Level") would have sufficed.

 

Corrie "Awwww!" Rynberk (1032) appears to be becoming somewhat disillusioned by his job as a PGA charter pilot, he was heard out by the coffeepot wondering "where's the glamor of the wild blue yonder and the pretty flight attendants?" Management has made appropriate inquiries and determined that 1) The "wild blue yonder" is more glamorous if one is outside and off the ground rather than sitting around BS-ing by the coffeepot; and 2) Corrie's wife will invariably say "absolutely not!" when asked if he may have a pretty flight attendant on his plane.

 

The FAA is investigating Ryan "Look at the Pretty Colors!" Griffin-Stegink (1009) after a landing he made at Santa Rosa earlier this week. According to tower controllers at Santa Rosa, Ryan flew an erratic 20-mile final approach, veering all over the place. He landed without damaging the plane or anything else, but an idle comment about the incident by one of the tower folk during their weekly FAA meeting sparked a full-blown investigation. According to Ryan, the fumes from the printing were giving him a headache and making the runway look all swervy.

Ryan also believes the runway at South County to be a little on the short side and was proposing to become Ryan "Short Runway" G-S around the hangar this week. Former BAC pilots snicker and say wait until he gets to Moskowite.

 

Peter "Look Ma, No Flaps!" Jensen (1048) confirmed this week that the white arc also is correctly positioned on the airspeed indicator in the Arrow. Readers will recall that Baron "Flaps?" von Fellowes performed this test on the Trainer last week. Jensen's testing procedure was similar to that of von Fellowes, although he was not keeping an eye on his airspeed and doesn't actually know how fast he was going when he dropped in the flaps. Nonetheless, he has now become the second pilot in PGA history to make a real no-flaps landing. He continued on to become the first pilot to make a real no-flaps takeoff when, after determining the only thing wrong was the flaps had been torn off, he continued his flight on to San Jose.

 

Speaking of, Baron "One Flight, One Plane" von Fellowes (1051) lost an engine this week but managed to make a good landing at South County (with flaps this time). His next flight he broke the prop on landing and got the mechanics at Blake Sky Park to fix it in record time. Apparently, the secret is to smoke a cigarette out by their fuel tanks while waiting for the repairs, seems to rush them along a bit.

 

Mark "Engine Out" Hsu (1057) made an excellent emergency landing at McChord this week when his Trainer turned into a glider. Former BAC pilots were heard to suggest he get used to that sort of thing.

 

Kyle "Quack" Schoolmaster (1055) likes flying in the rain. Enough said.

 

The Silver Ducting Tape Award goes this week to Stephen "Bush Pilot" Bull (1041). After a stray runway sign took the wing off his Arrow, he made repairs with the aid of some broom handles and ducting tape found at the back of the hangar, then proceeded on up to Livermore for some touch & goes. On base for his second touch & go, he became the THIRD pilot in PGA history to make a real no-flaps landing. On downwind for the third T&G, he lost his radio, and on the fourth time around he neglected to put the gear down. Not to be deterred, he was revving the engine to drag what was left of the plane down the runway for number five when the tower managed to temporarily blind him with the light gun long enough for someone to get out to the runway and inform him his Boss had called and said four T&Gs were enough, get back to San Jose IMMEDIATELY. All the pilots and tower staff at Livermore helped him push his plane down the runway to get him in the air.

Bull has patched up the plane with still more ducting tape and continues to fly it as is. Apparently the sound of flapping ducting tape and rattling broomsticks unnerves some passengers, but when they call to complain the Boss has taken to pointing out the damn thing is staying in the air, what more do they want?

The Boss appears to be switching from aspirins to strong drink.

 


<< Next