News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
September 2003 - October 2003
Dateline September 2, 2003
The Boss to Fly a Charter!
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) I said to my editor today "Bernie, I wish I could give my readers something big for the Labor Day weekend news." And you know what he gave me? Something that knocked this reporter right off my seat next to the water cooler: The Boss is gonna fly a charter!
For those of you old captains who can't remember the last time she got into the left seat, and for those of you hangar rats who thought she only flew a desk; it's true. Our illustrious leader has made plans for a trip...no...a journey in the skies.
She speaks of a flightplan spanning the continental U.S. from Washington state to New Hampshire to New Jersey to Texas. And she's not gonna do it in some fancy-schmancy corporate jet - she's taking Pier Glass Aviation's Douglas DC-3!
If Amelia Earhart were alive, she'd be eating her flight helmet and choking on her goggles! The reason? A charitable action benefitting the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation's adult members; giving them a vacation that they would never receive otherwise.
A nobler cause there never was. Keep an eye on our column for more on this...
Heated Debate in Municipal Chambers
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) A social evening held at Valdez Municipal Chambers turned heated last night as members from the Wilderness Society, Girl Guides Brigade, Activists For Animal Welfare and local Council met to decide what to do about the Girl Guide mascot snow dog Wee McTavish. Regular readers of this column may remember the furore which the dog has caused through its uncommon behaviour. Item number 1 on the meetings agenda was the extraordinary weight gain the animal has shown, brought about by its even more extraordinary eating habits.
Local Council suggested the dog be placed on a starvation diet at the city pound for a month, which sparked angry retorts from the animal activist group. Secretary of the Wilderness Society, Ms Frost-Bite, suggested the animal be placed in a caring environment such as Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers where he would receive regular counselling and encouragement. Local vet, Mr. Cat Stevens, suggested that given the dog’s exotic cravings, perhaps a stint at the Betty Ford clinic would be more appropriate. Local council however vetoed this idea as “to costly, prohibitive budgeting”.
This reporter noticed during the meeting that the subject of the debate spent much of the time devouring a Valdez coat of arms wall hanging after which he found his way into the mayor's office and chewed up a humidor of Half Coronas (Havana) and broke a decanter of Pieter Van Gent ‘Cornelius’ Port (1999) then lapped up the spill.
At meeting's end it was loosely decided that perhaps Pier Glass Aviation could be approached to transport the dog to Kodiak Island for a taste of military discipline. However this idea was vetoed by the cries of dismay from the girl guides present who were appalled and distressed that their lovable mascot be treated so. This veto was strongly supported by the animal activist Group.
The meeting was finally closed after the dog chewed through the microphone cables and vomited on the red carpet lining the chamber. It was suggested by some wit that a further meeting be held in a week's time to vote on the decision and that the Mayors port is obviously of a lesser quality than he likes to pretend. A rude Australian in the back row of the gallery loudly howled down the latter notion.
Trials and Tribulations
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) Ever have one of those days? One of those weeks? Cap'n Rick (1114) seems to be having one of those millennia. If you ask him how his day is going, he's likely to answer "it's always something, isn't it?"
Cap'n Dave needed transport down to Davis-Montham Airfield in AZ. Rick offered his time and the company Beechjet (which he's not flown since Noah counted by two's). He started the day by not starting; he overslept keeping Cap'n Dave waiting. Eager to redeem himself, they left Boeing Field for the high country of 35,000 ft. A radio failure followed by another alarm brought them back down to earth in beautiful Winnemucca, NV, home to...sand.
A wait and a repair bill later, they were off again. In the home stretch of final approach to KDMA, the avionics walked off the job completely and left a rather dull-looking instrument panel. Rick landed and shut down. Cap'n Dave disembarked, leaving him to find his own way. The plane again repaired, he (with the help of Herbert, dispatcher par extent) managed charters upward and northward to Denver, CO (KDEN) and Cody, WY (KCOD).
Here's hoping that he finds his way back before he's due back to work...
Big Plane, Small Airline
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) Hey, speaking of Cap'n Dave (1094), and aren't we always? With Rick's help(?) he got down to KDMA to pick up PGA's umbiquitous big boy, the Lockheed C-130.
He departed Davis-Montham at dusk for a starlit ride to San Jose to meet up with Murdock (1148) for a lift he needed. From there, it on to KBFI where Dave demonstrated the short-field capabilities of the Herc (not that he'd planned on it, mind you).
The largest plane in the Pier Glass fleet can be seen taking up precious yards of space in the northwest ramp area of Boeing Field/King County Airport.
All questions regarding this are to be forwarded to the vice president of Operations' office. In writing. And triplicate...
Seattle Aircraft News
by Watch Hem
(Seattle, WA) The Seattle area was relatively quiet this past week in the aviation news. Local Charter company Pier Glass Aviation personnel departed the area on a hush - hush mission. This reporter witnessed two senior PGA pilots depart to the east and they haven't returned as yet.
Meanwhile An old beat up blue Cessna C-172 was seen departing the area ferrying passengers. This reporter knows that when that Cessna flies, it only visits the smallest of airfields. Local residents down at Dexter's Bar and Grill claim to have seen the small aircraft with three individuals having breakfast there before pushing on to Elma.
"I saw 'em I did - runnin through the bar hef neked. The girl was a shown' thangs that I did'n want Ethyl to see. I hollered out 'Ethyl don you look at what's comin by' But I was too late. Ethyl clobbered me with her fryin pan as I stared at tha gals natral beauty," claimed Dexter himself from his hospital bed.
Other residents of the town deny these allegations claiming that old man Dexter actually turned and smashed his skull into one of the support post for the bar.
"Yeah, old Dexter's a colorful guy - always entertaining us. Funny thing though, I haven't seen his wife using her favorite pan lately," claimed Seemore Topps.
Well that's all the news that's printed to fit for the PGA beat this week.
Oldy, Moldy Passenger
by Marvin the Robot
(San Jose, CA) PGA Pilot Tony () Bonez had the dubious pleasure of delivering a Mr. Ushroom, an Indian grape vine mold expert into the California wine country this last week. The passenger, despite his dour appearance had an interesting history, that our pilot managed to drag out of him. But I refuse to repeat the horrible pun commited by the new Commercial Pilot. If you are curious, go read it yourself on the forum.
Field Reporter Still Missing
by Marvin Again
(San Jose, CA) The Field Reporter assigned to the San Jose beat is still missing. It has now been several weeks since he has mysteriously disappeared. His vanishing coincides with the disappearance of the Boss, Mr Boss, Marie the Red-Haired Mechanic, Baldrick and Priscilla. Whether they are connected in any way is a mystery.
PGA Pilot Joins Roy Ban Crowd
by Marvin Once More
(San Jose, CA) I am proud to announce that Dondo (Pilot #1087) passed his navigation exercise and was thereby promoted to the rank of Senior Captain. Senior Captain Dondo. Scary thought ain't it folks? If you see him strutting around with his new Roy Ban Sunglasses, make sure you congratulate him.
Dateline September 8, 2003
National Air Tour Underway! PGA Represented
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Dearborn, MI) The National Air Tour is an operation that allows select cities through the nation's midwest and eastern coast to view vintage aircraft flown by select pilots. Information released from a local air charter company, Pier Glass Aviation, reveals that one of their pilots has been chosen to participate in this event.
The pilot, known only as "Murdock" (1148), is slated to sit at the controls of a vintage Ford Tri-Motor. The aircraft is truley a hallmark of early aviation and is revered in the pilots' community. So far, Murdock has taken the Tri-Motor to South Bend Regional (IN), Chicago Midway (IL), General Mitchell Int'l and Wausau Downtown (WI).
In a telegram, Murdock stated he's enjoying flying by the seat of his pants. Well, with wicker seats in that old, drafty plane, he'll be lucky if he's feeling his seat by the end of the tour...
Off To Never Never Land
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Bermuda) If any of you have ever wondered who the hardest workin' man in the business is, look no further than Cap'n Dave (1094). In his endeavours to make PGA a name known up and down and all around, he's managed to, in the world of big-game account hunting, bag the elephant.
"We Rx the World" is a philanthropic organization that provides medical supplies, personnel and services to needy places spanning the globe. The charter destination? Liberia. The aircraft? PGA's C-130 Hercules.
He first stopped was Detroit, MI to make sure Murdock made his appointment with destiny. He then made course for Teterboro, NJ hoping to avoid busy skyways. According to sources, his flight left him feeling not unlike a harangued patriarch constantly turning to the back seat of the family Carry-All and threatening to pull the reality bus over to the side for an attitude adjustment. Except that most harangued patriarchs don't find themselves looking for a shotgun mid-flight.
A forced go around at KTEB and narrowly missing hurricane Fabian before setting down in Bermuda were just a few things he's dealt with along the way. We're sure there's more to come. What's that? A passenger left their passport in New Jersey? Hmm...the passenger list might be a little light now. You might have room for that shotgun.
More Trials, More Tribulations
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) It's been a hard day's night for Capt Rick (1114).
From Cody, WY he deadheaded to Boise, ID (KBOI) to pick up some wealthy ranchers trying to make their way back to the panhandle at Coeur d' Alene (KCOE). Trying to extend them every courtesy, he was met with tired, surly travellers. Well, that made three onboard. He delivered them safely to KCOE and waited for further instruction from dispatcher Herbert.
Three weak coffees, two dull magazines and an uncomfortable couch later, Rick booked himself on the next available corporate-level Raytheon Beechjet 400A leaving Coeur d' Alene for Seattle. He even filled out a customer comment card before deplaning saying "it was the best flight he's had in a long time. My compliments to the pilot and crew."
Yeah, I'm sure this one will make to the Boss's file cabinet; the round one...
Snoozing His Way to a Rest
by Marvin the Robot
(Seattle, WA) Looking for a rest from his trials and tribulations, Capt Rick made the mistake of heading to the couch in the pilot's lounge at KBFI. You know the one you have to pass Herbert to get to?
Needless to say our intrpeid pilot soon found himself winging his way to Forks, WA in a company 172. Battling between nodding off, staying out of the clouds and becoming part of the terrain, he made his drop there and took off for Sequim. After making an off runway landing there and enduring the tirade of the airport manager, he decided enough was enough.
A short hop later he was relaxing at "The Aerie" at Diamond Point. I hear Herbert is still looking for Rick.
Party at 6,000 Feet
by Marvin the Robot
(Valdez, AK) Take a PGA Pilot, a DC-3, a group of graduate students, a government grant, mix well and serve. What do you get? A party to make headlines, that's what.
The unflappable cmor (Pilot #1010) was recently tasked with hauling a group of rowdy grad students to Bethel, AK. He suggested they stay seated, but shortly after take off the passengers took off, their clothes that is. They danced around, sang, clapped and had a grand old time. Our pilot relaxed when all became quiet. He should have known that's when he should really start worrying.
On arrival at Bethel, AK, the passengers debarked, with their clothing on, and thanked cmor for a great flight and the chance to become memebers of the Mile High Club. All I can say is cmor gets to clean the plane.
Fear Of Peggy
by Marvin the Robot
(Valdez, AK) We in PGA management, want to express our gratitude to our Alaska Dispatcher, Peggy. Without her it seems Alaska wouldn't be the same and surely wouldn't be making any profit at all.
Witness one Chadza, who showed up at the Valdez FBO to lounge after taking a vacation. Fear of the dispatcher forced him into the air on several runs that turned in tidy sum. Thank you Peggy for keeping the black side of the ledger bigger than the red side. Would you be willing to clone yourself?
Oh, and Chadza? You stay afraid of Our Lady of the North. Very afraid.
Tony Doesn't Fly the Boss
by I.C. Nuthin
(San Jose, CA) Tony "Bonez" Peaker had the honor this week of not flying the Boss nowhere she didn't not want to go. After not taxiing nowhere near the terminal during the non-daylight hours, he didn't not spot the Boss standing under an awning and didn't not taxi in close so she wouldn't not suffer from the non-lack of weather. The Boss didn't say nothing about his keeping the fact that she wasn't not in the Bay Area real quiet.
During the flight, he didn't hear the Boss not tearing him a new one about passengers who will exit Arrows in parachutes, and also didn't not hear the Boss bringing up matters of calendars and broken china.
Good thing for him he didn't not hear all of this, or tales he never didn't hear of Lysander and Kitty might have caused him to fail to not miss sighting an oncoming Caravan until it was only about 1/2 mile away.
Fortunately, he didn't not manage to make a smooth approach and decent landing at SJC, so wasn't not spared the humiliation of not watching the not-Boss's non-eyebrows not go up as she didn't not file the information away for future non-performance reviews.
At the end of the flight he never didn't make, Tony didn't not find a brown paper envelope in the right seat that he did not leave sitting right there where he didn't miss seeing it. Upon not unopenining it, Tony didn't find that there was not a copy of last year's "Auto Spares presents the Girls of Grease" calendar and a note, which didn't say nothing about his not keeping quiet about the whole non-event and the impossibility of his being called upon to not assist with the re-shoot of none of the shots for the PGA ad campaign.
After he finished not reading the note he never saw, Tony doesn't report that the piece of paper didn't spontaneously ignite and the ash didn't blow away in the lack of wind.
Dateline September 15, 2003
Hijinks Have Locals Fuming
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Complaints are pouring in after a routine charter flight between Bethel and Dillingham turned into a rowdy party. It appears a group of students engaged in debauchery as the plane gained altitude.
“Its shameful, disgusting behaviour,” complained Mrs Ima Gossip, a local backyard fence critic. “I said all along that PGA airline company was up to no good. They should never have been allowed to operate around here. My sister has a friend who’s nieces ex-roomate was on that flight and she says that the pilot filmed the goings on. It’s shameful and immoral. I knew that airline was no good, they are from Southern California you know,” Mrs. Gossip went on and on to say.
Further investigation by this reporter has revealed that a bizarre pagan ritual was performed mid flight which was part of an initiation process into a secret club. When contacted for comment on this incident, Ms Peggy, northern manager for PGA stated “We don’t even have a frequent flyer club.”
It appears that there has been an unexplained rush of young students queuing up to buy tickets on PGA flights however a shortage of pilots means they may have a while to wait before their initiation process can begin.
PGA Steps Into the Breach in Napa
By N. Kwyring-Mynd
(Santa Rosa, CA) Napa Valley wine growers have grown increasingly tired of irregular service and lack lustre performance of their most common air service companies, Oakland Air Charter and Napa Air. It should come as no surprise then that Pierglass Aviation aircraft were seen arriving at Sonoma County earlier this week.
PGA Dispatcher Al, based in Sonoma, had this to say, “Here at PGA we feel that service to our customers is the utmost priority. These wine growers are a great economic boost to the area and if we can help them out in any way we will.”
One of the first pilots to arrive was PGA newcomer Tony “Bonez” Peaker (#1192), who has been flying in the San Francisco area for the past few months. Before this reporter could get a chance to interview Tony he was off flying charters at a rapid pace, testament to PGAs’ commitment to customer service.
Spokesmen for Oakland Air Charter and Napa Air refused to comment on reasons that PGA is now being offered the charters that used to go to them although reliable sources claim that a recent string of near miss mid-air situations recently with their Cessna Caravan aircraft that service the area may be under investigation by the FAA.
Moskowite Mechanical Mauling
By Ms. I. N. Formed
(Santa Rosa, CA) Moskowite Vineyard worker Chuck Wilson was critically injured this week when a crushing machine he was working on was switched on accidentally. His right leg was caught in the machine severing his foot and part of his lower leg. The vineyard owner's daughter, Ms Jennifer Wite was a registered nurse and was able to provide first aid at the scene until a medivac flight could be arranged.
Sonoma based pilot Tony “Bonez” Peaker(#1192) was quickly on the scene to provide emergency transport back to Sonoma for Mr Wilson and Ms Wite. Mr Peaker was thankful that he was in the area at the time.
“I was at Sonoma Valley when the call came in. Luckily it was only a short flight across to Moskowite and there was still enough light to see the strip. If the call had come in 20 minutes later I wouldn’t have been able to land,” Mr. Peaker told us.
Tony flew the patient and his nurse to Sonoma County where Mr Wilson was rushed to hospital for treatment. It is unclear at this time whether Mr Wilson will be able to regain the use of his leg but doctors are hoping for the best.
“With the speed that he was able to reach medical treatment we have high hopes for a full recovery. Pierglass Aviation should be thanked for their speed in this situation”, said Dr. Dresfordeath of Santa Rosa City Hospital.
Diamond Point Excalibur
by Sophie Sticated
(Diamond Point, WA) Our sleepy little town was recently overrun by a Charter Airline company. It's red white and blue painted aircraft desecrating our subdued quaint village. The comings and goings of these aircraft are beginning to plague local residents.
This reporter discovered recently that one of the pilots of this company landed and made quite a scene for himself. I myself got a look at him the following morning. His swollen, misshapen face testimony to the neanderthal - like actions of the previous evening. The man should have been in a hospital - preferrably in Seattle - where his kind are more common.
I am emploring all of good standing in our little community to join me for tea at the Excalibur's main offices at 12 Washington Street at 2PM to discuss what we will do about these continued interruptions of our peace. Join me in signing a petition to the mayor to close the airfield except to residents.
Big Andy's Closes
by N. Sadtimes
(Seattle, WA) Aviation Inspectors today announced that Big Andy airfield has had it's license temporarily revoked after failing an examination. The last pilot in and out of Big Andy was from Pier Glass Aviation and we had a chance to speak with him. His "no comment" was vicious and told reams of tales of how the local charter company feels about the closing of Big Andy.
When pressed the pilot did say "Well, I've taken many a sportsman there to hike and climb the mountains. Other access points are difficult to arrange, and Big Andy has always had a soft spot in my heart".
Inspectors declined to elaborate on the situation.
We sent a Private Investigator out to Big Andy via car. He discovered manuals from the sixties in the trash. Perhaps Big Andy was not keeping current. Again we contacted the inspectors, and they only chuckled and repeated their earlier no comment.
So if you have plans for an excursion out from Big Andy you'll have to get there by some other means as the airfield is closed.
Smiling Bugs
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Minneapolis, MN) Remember the days of those daring young men and their flying machines? No? Oh. Neither do I. Anyway, we've more news over the wire regarding PGA's Murdock (1148) and his latest experiences in planes from the days of yore.
The Ford Tri-Motor he piloted developed engine trouble into Minnepolis/St. Paul. He was switched to a Davis monoplane (a convertible!) and experienced true flight with the elements in his face. In Mason City, IA he switched again to a DC-3 and flew this piece of history into Des Moines and a dirt strip.
Pure Ameicana here, readers! And what could end a trip like this? How about a chicken dinner just off the landing strip? Boy, you can almost smell the oil and feel the wind in your face, can't you? And by the way, Murdock; I think you've got a few bugs in your teeth. Try to pry that grin off your face in the open cockpit, pilot.
Crazy In LA
by Ernest E. Rudite
(San Jopse, CA) Let's see, what other news...hmm. Tony "Bonez" Peaker (1192)? Why, he's that brusque young upstart about Pier Glass these days. Seems after lazing about the Bay area, he's finally stepping up. Just recently, he got a got a call from "serial parachutist" who needed to get from San Jose to Los Angeles like ASAP.
The man, one Kray Zee had an entourage that Bonez loaded onto a PGA King Air and proceeded into the skies. He managed a landing in an 800' ceiling with a rather unruly bunch in back of a plane he's short on time with.
Impressive, young Jedi...except this: the Boss would like to know why so much oxygen was used onboard this trip. It isn't cheap, you know. Hmm? A what? 3 Bean Chili Flamer? (ahem) Yes...well. Say no more. Remember, Captains' wings or not, you clean the plane!
Winging Onward
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Bermuda) After winging his way back to New Jersey (from Bermuda!) for a passenger's passport, Cap'n Dave (1094) found himself back in paradise, giving himself a much needed three day rest from the cockpit of the C-130 he was piloting to Liberia for We Rx the World.
Bermuda, by the by, was still digging itself out from the mess left in hurricane Fabian's wake. His next port of call was by choice Belem, Brazil. This would be his last landing before croosing the Big Drink.
In a phone interview from his ramshackle hotel room, Cap'n Dave spoke of memories sparked by his flight over the South American coastline and the miles of rainforest beneath him. When prodded for more, he offered only an aloof chuckle and a sigh that signaled the end of the conversation. "Another time, Ernest, ok? Save that one for another time." He promised he'd stay in touch; and so will I, readers. Until next we meet.
Dateline September 22, 2003
Knock, Knock. Who's There?
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Residents of Valdez will be urged to dig deep this coming Sunday when the Girl Guides Association will be knocking on doors for donations. Funds are desperately needed to finance a weight loss program for the popular 'wonderdog' Wee Mctavish. A decision to enroll the dog in a weight watchers program was taken after a series of mishaps which have embarrassed the dogs sponsors.
"Its just that with this new breed of snowdog so much is not yet known," said Ms Frost-Bite, President of the Wilderness Society and Grand Darme of the Girl Guides Association. "We are hoping young Mctavish will respond to this program in time for the Girl Guides Jamboree sheduled for later this month. It would be lovely if he could perform some clever tricks for the hundreds of Guides attending."
The Manager of the Valdez Weight Watchers Group, Jenny Cake is enthusiastically supporting the idea.
"I was sceptical at first," she said. "But at our first consultaion, Wee McTavish ate all the pamplets in the foyer. It convinced me that here was a challenge and that is what we are all about."
It appears that after finishing off all the reading material the dog then found his way into a storeroom and consumed large amounts of vitamen supplements and health drinks. Your donations are desperately needed.
General Aviation Gets Smaller
By N. Kwyring-Mynd
(San Jose, CA) Bay area charter company Pierglass Aviation has been seen downsizing their aircraft in a rather spectacular and old fashioned way. Rather than their sporty Piper Arrows or the behemoth like DC-3s’, Cap’n Dondo was seen ferrying a local photographer about in a 1930’s Piper J-3 Cub. Apparently the high winged, slow cruising plane is ideal for aerial photography with its opening doors allowing a clear ciew of the surrounds without the potential blur assosciated with higher speed aircraft.
When asked how the plane handled the high traffic skies around San Francisco Cap’n Dondo replied, “It was no sweat really. By the time ATC would give me a traffic call they had blown miles by me.”
Although making a slow and sedate trip the Piper Cub was enthusiastically endorsed by Dondos’ passenger Mr P.I.C Snapper. “That plane is great!”he said. “You can really get down low and slow for some geat shots. I’d recommend it to anyone in my line of work.”
Pictures, Moldy Wine, and The Boss
By Ms I. N. Formed
(San Jose, CA) Pierglass Aviations’ San Jose based Hub Captain has had a busy week. With his “top” pilot Tony “Bonez” Peaker away in Hollywood and Cap’n Dondo covering an average of 40 miles an hour in his Cub, Darb has had to pick up a large amount of the slack.
Photography was on the cards again to begin, followed by a flight to the Napa Valley wine growers to deliver an expert on grape mold. Apparently the expert who was flown in recently was unable to ascertain the cause of the fungus and needed extra help from his colleagues from the Fungal Research Institute.
With the expert delivered Darb was back to San Jose after picking up The Boss. With poor weather and an ever watchful eye over his shoulder Darb returned to San Jose. The Boss was overheard asking Darb about two PGA employees who have disappeared in recent times.
When asked later, Darb made the following comment, "Two of our empoyees have recntly gone missing. We don’t believe there is any foul play involved although I would appreciate any information as the hangar is getting rather untidy and the paperwork is piling up in the office”
Quiet times
by Fish R. Mann
(Seattle, WA) Seattle Boeing Field was especially quiet this week. Little activity was seen except for the departure of a float plane with several fishermen in it. The only truely exciting thing was when this reporter witnessed the returning, stricken plane landing. As the plane lurched off the runway it had a severe tilt. Local charter company, Pier Glass Aviation , mechanics were questioned on the condition of the fleet. All we could get was a gruff "no comment".
Well, PGA is soon due for its inspection by the FAA and we'll see what they have to say about the maintenance being done by the PGA staff.
The Rest of the Story
By Marvin the Robot
(Valdez, AK) Cap'n Chadza reports that Peggy sent him packing due to his lack of flight time in Valdez. Peggy, however, has a somewhat different perspective on things:
"I'd been looking for him for weeks," reports PGA's Queen of the North. "Then I get word that he's been hanging out with that band playing down at the Pipeline, singin' carry-Okie or somethin'. I packed up and headed to town to drag his sorrycarcass back here, and when I got to the bar, there he was, up there on stage, carryin' on like he thought he was Elvis. He must've seen me, though, because suddenly he turned white as the inside of a snowbank in November and dove for the men's room."
Local resident C.M. Ronin was in the men's room at the time.
"Well, you see, I was just standin' here, minding my own business, when that singer came barreling in, looking like he'd just seen the wrong end of a bear. Next thing I knew, he'd climbed up on the sink and out the window. I figgered he'd played Elvis to some pipeline worker's woman. Never imagined he was on the lam from Peggy."
By the time Peggy got back to the airport, Chadza's Baron was gone. So, apparently, was the band he'd been playing with, who took his need to get out of town right away as an opportunity to do the same -- without paying their tabs or hotel bills around town.
"Let me tell you, when I get my hands on him, he'll be singing, all right!" Peggy rather ominously assured this reporter.
Dateline September 29, 2003
Fearless Pilots Flies Governor Wanabee
By Snoop Carreras
(San Jose, CA) Or should I say 'earless pilot' cause yes folks thats what PGA Pilot Dondo was after flying State Governor hopeful Boons from San Jose to Yuba County recently. This reporter's usually reliable sources report that the routine charter flight turned somewhat silent after the pilot switched off the aircrafts internal intercom system which had the effect of rendering the chatty politician into a cone of silence. It has always been widely believed that silent politicians were an impossibility however this innovative pilot has come up with a quick and effective way to switch them off.
It is understood that the same Pilot Dondo was directly or indirectly linked to another innovative invention for aviation, the Doohickey, still a largely unknown and misunderstood thingy that makes aircraft do things that somehow keep them in the air. Given the secrecy surrounding the Doohickey it is unlikely that Dondo or PGA will willingly release the blueprint for the politician silencer.
PGA spokesperson/temporary hub captain Darby Willcox stated when contacted for comment "Anywhere you'll ride we'll fly. We get all types here and our pilots are trained to respond accordingly."
When asked about the Governor Wanabees buxom assistant and Pilot Dondo's response to her rather adequate and pleasing to the eye attributes Temporary Hub Captain Willcox assured me that PGA pilots must pass a regular stringent eye and landmark identification test to ensure ongoing employment with the airline. "Obviously Dondo was keeping abreast of the situation," he chuckled.
Partial Visibility and Party Goers
By Ms I.N Formed
(San Jose, CA) Bay area Hub Captain Darb was seen busily flying this week filling the gap left my his more junior staff this week. He started with a trip to Sacramento by way of Livermore in pouring rain to deliver some so called computer “Experts”. Darb said later that “They didn’t even know cheats to solitaire. How am I supposed to get all those cards up the top without cheats? Bill Gates has a lot to answer for making that game so hard. I can’t even peek under the piles like I could with real cards.”
After Sacramento he was headed to Hayward to deliver an unknown cargo of boxes. Although the weather was starting to clear he found no solace as he discovered that his next flight was Bay area socialites and notorious PGA passengers, the Wigburns, returning to Half Moon Bay after a week of high society excitement. With Mr Wigburn mainly comatose throughout the flight, Darb was called upon to display legendary PGA restraint as Mrs Wigburn informed him of all the society gossip and a quick if a little boring dissertation on the state of todays fashion wear.
The following day on his return to SJC Captain Darb found himself winging his way to Santa Rosa to bail out besieged rival airlines Oakland Air Charter and Napa Air. It seems they once again are unable to meet the demands of local ranchers and are being passed over in favour of the Bay areas smallest airline.
One must wonder how long Darb will be flying in Santa Rosa as the last time PGA was seen in that area was with up and coming pilot Tony “Bonez” Peaker at the helm, and he flew the area alone for quite a few days with no help in sight. Perhaps the hub captaint has a little more pulling power than the then Commercial Pilot Bonez.
PGA = Pinch Governors Aide?
By N Kwyring-Mynde
(Sacramento, CA) A scandal erupted in Yuba County this week when aspiring Governor Mr Boon flew with his assistant to the area for some campaigning. Reports indicate that PGA pilot Cap’n Dondo allegedly molested Mr Boons assistant, one Ms Candy Bottom.
“I was climbing out of that ridiculous small plane when a gust of wind blew my folder and the papers inside al over the tarmac. As I bent over to retireve the papers that scruffy pilot pinched my rear,” said a distressed Ms Bottom. “I have spent far too long working my way through the male dominated world of secretarial assistance to be treated like nothing more than an object!” she went on to say.
When asked about the incident Cap’n Dondo was astounded. “I am shocked by this horrific accusation. When the papers started flying around I reached out to grab one before it was lifted into the air and lost forever. It was at that moment that Ms Bottom backed towards me and a wind gust flicked the page beyond my reach. Unfortunately I was too late to stop my fingers closing and they accidentally pinched Ms Bottoms’ ……well……bottom. And further to the accusation, I am not know nor have I been since receiving my white shirt from management, scruffy! I take great pains to ensure that the larger and most foul smelling stains are removed before I fly.”
Although this reporter cannot make any comments regarding the harassment of Ms Bottom due to legal proceedings that may or may not be in process, I can say that Cap’n Dondo, on the day I spoke with him, was nothing more than a well presented, well mannered, professional pilot. I decided not to make reference to the large piece of hamburger stuck to his epaullete, or the ketchup stain on his trousers.
Pilot Forks Flying M Ranger on Dare
by Marvin the Robot
(Seattle, WA) While it seems things have been noticeably quiet in Seattle, it doesn't mean pilots haven't been busy. It seems Capt Rick (1114) cracked the books and went back to transition school offered by Piper for new aircraft pilots/owners. He seems determined to operate his Seneca V more proficiently.
Just days back from that, he aquired a charter that took him out of state to the Flying M Ranch, south of Portland OR. The Seneca performed flawlessly into and out of the tiny private strip. After landing back in Seattle, he took his passengers out the next day to small surrounding airstrips. Curiously, they flew into Ranger Creek (21W), Darrington (1S2) and Forks (S18) before returning to Boeing Field and then back to the Flying M Ranch. It wasn't until he returned that he found out who his passengers were: software engineers who are entertaining thoughts of adding the airports they visited to some "flight simulator" program or other. Yeah, right. That's a good one, isn't it? Well, this reporter sticks to fact, not fiction folks; keep yours eyes here for more honest and up to date headlines.
Local Man Ties Knot in Oceans of Fun
By Luci Lovin, Pranborn Municipal News
(Seattle. WA) John Thomas recently tied the knot with his beloved girlfriend Chindy Peaks. What is unusual about this story is the Mr. Thomas chartered a flight to take them all the way to the Pacific Ocean from Pangborn.
The landing of a dark blue twin engined aircraft was unusual and immediately noticed. The two individuals were seen entering the craft and departing the area before they could be interviewed.
The small plane returned after dark the twosome engaged. Ms. Peaks was wearing a large 13 carat diamond in the shape of a heart estimated value of over a million dollars.
"I just wanted to let her know I thought she was worth a million bucks," said Mr. Thomas. Mr. Thomasis heir to huge Thomas fortune made in lumber and timber industries.
"Well, once I knew he really wanted me I really showed him I wanted him. This here's a marriage in heaven." Ms. Peakes, 21 years old and Mr. Thomas have set a wedding date of late October - to be announced but as soon as possible.
Mr. Thomas was appoplectic when he heard the news. "That girl is after my sons money."
We wish Chindy and John the best.
RCMP Visits Seattle
By Red Jacquet
(Seattle, WA) An RCMP plane landed at Boeing field this week carrying with it a Mountie and a local pilot of some notoriety, Captain Geoff as he is known.
The plane was immediately impounded into a maintenance bay where it emerged several hours later with no apparent changes. The plane, we discovered was a Twin Otter, an RCMP favorite.
Captain Geoff was unsolicitous, and his only comment was "no comment". Rumor has it that Pier Glass Aviation is expanding service into Canada, even though this could not be confirmed with local management. The Otter left shortly after that and has not returned, but neither has Captain Geoff's favorite plane, the blue twin engined Beechcraft Baron.
Crabby Lawyers Leave Dillingham
By Marvin the Robot
(Dillingham, AK) cmor (1010) got the opportunity to experience one of the great hazards of bush flying -- unhappy campers or, in this case, unhappy fishermen, who had been stranded in a place they'd probably rather not be (Dillingham) for longer than they could stand (three days) due to a foul-up on someone's (a tour company's) part.
So it was that he carted a planeload of grumpy lawyers and related diatrus out of Dillingham. Peggy reported that the tour company called on PGA to fly the group out after their own arrangements fell through due to weather. However, Dillingham Rumor Control says that the local townsfolk actually took up a collection to get the group on the PGA flight out of town, as after two days some were debating the value of a lawyer as crab bait.
Dateline October 6, 2003
Notes Taken from Ernest E Rudite, Seattle Office Reporter on the End of the 2003 National Air Tour:
By Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) "Murdock, hmm? No, I don't recall any...what was it? Murdock you say. I'm sorry; I just don't remember...oh! You mean Murdock (1148)!? Oh well, yeah. He works for Pier Glass Aviation. Heck, I remember him...well I don't "remember" him. I mean, I do...it's just been so long since anyone's seen him, we've kinda, sorta forgot what he looks like. He finished the recent National Air Tour as one of the pilots. Yeah and he flew everything they threw at him, too. Good pilot, they say...'course now he's stuck out there in Michigan waitin' for some poor schmo to come get him. It'll be good to have him back."
Tony "Bonez" Peaker (1192). Also known around San Jose as " The Poor Schmo". Yes, he stepped up and offered to bring back Murdock who was stranded in Michigan. For merit and valor beyond the call of duty, his fellow pilots went in to PGA hub captain Darby's office and demanded a citation for his efforts. When they found out, however, that he "just happened" to charter a lovely office executive along the way, their demeanor changed. It was quickly sorted out that they should lay in wait for "Bonez" to return and personally question his good fortune. For those hangar and ramp personnel interested, there's a sign-up sheet in the lounge. Don't wait; good hiding places and lengths of rope for lynching are going fast!!
Speaking of Darby (and who doesn't?), he's been busy as well. Darby (1013) tends to travel in, shall we say, different circles than most. He managed a freight flight out of San Francisco to Fresno carrying fireworks as a favor for Tony "Bonez" Peaker. He's passing off the cargo to "Clem"; a rather sordid-sounding fellow who carries somewhat questionable cargo in dilapidated AN-24s. He delivered the fireworks to KFAT and deadheaded back to the Bay area. With Darby's network of friends and contacts, every day holds something special at San Jose.
Unidentified Pilot Flees Scene of Crash
By Ms I.N Formed
(San Jose, CA) A Beechcraft Baron crashed on the hills outside Bonny Doon today. Eyewitnesses are unclear as to exactly what happened but they all agree on certain points.
* The plane had only one engine running
* It appeared to be on the approach course to Bonny Doon Airfield
* The pilot was not seen at the crash site
After an exhaustive search by Bonny Doon Airfield emergency crews there was no trace found of the pilot of the crashed Baron. The Baron is unable to be identified by its registration numbers as they were burned off in the fire that erupted after the crash. FAA officials are currently transporting the wreckage to their facilities in San Jose to examine the pieces for any clue as to who owns the plane.
In other events that day, a local Bonny Doon resident had his cherished Cessna 172 stolen. Mr Larraby, a retired pensioner, was preparing for a cross country trip to visit his new grandchild when he heard his plane start and begin to taxi away.
“I was in the hangar filing my flight plan and double checking my navigation calculations when I heard my plane start. As I ran out to the tarmac I caught a glimpse of a young man sitting in the cockpit beginning to taxi towards the runway. That plane was the last thing my wife and I bought before she passed away. She used to love to fly and we spent many hours touring the Bay area together. I was on my way to see my daughter and her new baby in Nebraska, but now that the plane is gone I am going to have to wait until I can afford a plane ticket,” a sobbing Mr Larraby stated to our reporter.
Bonny Doon police have speculated that there may be a link between the two events. Police Chief Brannigan has asked that anyone with information relating to the case call the Bonny Doon Police on 555-8093. A substantial reward may be offered. When asked what kind of person might do something like this he replied, “The kind of person that would steal from an old man is nothing more than the worst kind of animal. If they happen to be caught in my jurisdiction they will wish they were never born.”
PGA Management Shuffle
By N Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) Local Bay area airline, Pierglass Aviation, has had a change in management this week. Darby Wilcox who has spent the last 2 months overseeing operations has been given holidays and his replacement is Mr. Boss, otherwise known as Phillipe Damerval.
Darby mentioned that he would be taking the welcome break as a chance to catch up on maintenance on his Lake Berryessa cabin, and to relax after the harrowing 2 months as Hub Captain.
New Hub Captain Mr. Boss was contacted for a comment on his plans for the area but was unable to speak with us as he had far too much work to complete in readiness for the upcoming busy charter season.
Missing Pilot in San Francisco
by A. Lotta Werdz
(San Jose, CA) PGA pilot Captain Chadza has gone missing on a routine flight yesterday. Bay area Hub Captain Mr. Boss said “Chadza was on a routine ferry flight for a customer when he failed to check in at his destination. We are still trying to contact him although it appears his cell phone is turned off. It’s situations like these when I wish that I could install locator beacons on all my pilots to ensure they don’t go missing too often.”
Chadza is the third PGA employee to go missing in the last few months. Maintenance man Baldrick and office secretary Priscilla have also been missing for quite some time with no word on their whereabouts.
Is PGA losing staff due to poor pay or are more sinister motives behind the dissapearances.
Vintage Bi-plane arrives in San Jose
By W.W Toobuf
(San Jose, CA) A restored World War Two Tiger Moth was delivered to San Jose earlier this week. PGA pilot Chadza was the lucky new owner of this piece of aviation history.
“These planes were used to train Australian pilots during World War Two, and as an Australian I find they are fascinating to me. I hope to enjoy many years of slow, relaxing flights in this classic bird,” said Chadza.
Chadza also mentioned that he may be flying joy flights in the Tiger Moth once he becomes more familiar with the quirky handling characteristics of the cloth winged bi-plane.
Local Aircraft Endangers Airport
By I. Don Seewell
(Seattle, WA) Local Charter company Pierglass Aviation today caused a commotion at Boeing Field as one of their charter Cessna Caravans buzzed the airport and tower.
Local tower personnel who asked to remain anonymous confirmed that a PGA plane had buzzed the tower apparently because of a faulty radio. They also revealed a near disaster had occured when the pilot attempt to land on a runway in which a plane lay stopped waiting for takeoff clearance.
Jon Schidt of Ignited Airlines told us, "My copilot told me to look right and I did - there was this twin engine small airplane coming right for us. As it pulled up we could feel out plane shudder from the propwash. I tell you, I lost 10 pounds in that 30 seconds."
An unidentified air marshall revealed he had been ready to "take down" the small craft but the sudden altitude gain by the little plane put it out of his view. The plane, flight 234 for Panama City, Florida, had a passenger cabin full of screaming people.
Martha Maybelle Mably told us that St. Christopher is what saved her and the plane. Flight 234 was delayed for more than two hours while passengers and crew were given crisis management lectures.
Skykomish Airfield on the Block
By Luke X. Hem
(Skyomish, WA) Skykomish airfield this week was informed by FAA inspectors that it was on the shutdown list for small airports. Several weeeks ago FAA inspectors closed down Big Andy and many local residents are now worried that their one source of external information and spending may be gone.
PGA, the local aircraft charter company, flew a senior pilot out to discuss with the FAA the potential closure.
Said pilot Captain Geoff, "The closure of this airfield would mean far fewer opportunities for climbers and hikers to get into the back country. The FAA is just giving into pressure from the Homeland Security Department without any real basis for the closure."
The pilot went on to say that the bigger airfields needed more security - not the mom and pop grass strip landing fields. For now the FAA seems to have been satisfied with testimony from several pilots and aircraft owners.
"We're not ruling out the closure, but for now Skykomish will remain open," said inspector I.P. Constantly.
Anchorage Health Panic Unfounded
By Snoop Carerras
(Anchorage, AK) A health scare in this northern city was deemed unfounded after it was learned an oil company airline captain suffered Bali Belly from eating muk-tuk, a local dish made from whale blubber. The airline captain en-route to Anchorage airport was seen to 'spill his guts', as one local put it, all over the company bus, fellow travellers, the driver and the roadside. The exhausted captain was taken to a nearby hospital and diagnosed. The State Health Minister has publicly declared that there is no cause for panic however Alaskans should be very wary where they buy their muk-tuk from. "The recent shipment of muk-tuk imported from a squalid little tin shed situated in the Mojave Desert should be avoided" he said.
PGA Pilot Swoops on Charter
By Snoop Carerras
(Anchorage, AK) A PGA pilot, known locally as Luke, was seen to take advantage of the recent unfounded health scare when he snatched the charter from the airline captain who had taken ill.
"He came in like a swooping hawk, snatched up the charter and was off again," said an oil company executive. "We're flying execs to Valdez and his quote was the lowest we've ever seen but beggars can't be choosers and boy did we beg," he went on to say.
Smelling a rat, this reporter phoned his 'contact' in Valdez where it seems a flurry of activity is happening at the PGA depot. Pilots are being recruited from as far away as California and it appears the persistent charter airline is beginning a marketing campain to win all the supply tenders for the State of Alaska this coming winter. This reporter urges his readers, especially 'other' airline pilots not to eat muk-tuk delivered via PGA aircraft.
Annual Jamboree Underway
By Snoop Carerras
(Valdez, AK) Valdez will host the annual Girl Guides Jamboree this year and already the first of the little Brownies Brigades are arriving. Local girl guides administrators are confident of a successful event. There will be cooking, running and jumping events, bush survival and mud wrestling is also on the agenda. The annual jamboree will culminate in a nighttime dance party and huge fireworks display. It is fervenlty hoped that the local brigade snowdog Wee McTavish, currently enrolled at the Jenny Cake weight loss centre will be fit enough to participate in the avalanche rescue demonstration. No doubt a good time will be had by all.
Dateline October 13, 2003
PGA Pilots Don't Feel the Heat
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) The recent flurry of activities at the PGA FBO at Valdez airport has increased the population slightly with a subsequent increase of pilots recruited to Alaska for the winter distribution program.
The majority of these pilots are from sunny California, and it has come to this reporter's notice that complaints have been heard about it being 'very cold up here'. One of the pilots, known as Bonez, has been overheard saying the word 'cool' several times as he walks around checking his plane, and on one recent flight into Whittier he used his airplane as a snowboard down the runway, scaring his two peaceful green passengers (editor's note -- it is not known if the passengers' green condition was a result of their political leanings or the leanings of the aircraft). Other references about the cold in Alaska are constantly being referred to in PGA communications. In general, it appears that the Alaskan winter is going to have quite a considerable effect on the PGA pilots.
When contacted for comment, Ms Peggy, PGA's northern manager said, "Harumph! Cold? you call this cold?...you should try the coffee. Our pilots are brought up on it, they can handle anything."
Choco-Late
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Organizers of the Annual Girl Guides Jamboree have stated a shortage of chocolate in Valdez has put the chocolate chip cookie bake contest in doubt.
"We are desperately short of this item," said organizer Moira Davenport. "We did have an adequate supply, but then we took delivery of our mascot snowdog. He has aquired tastes, you know, but no limitations".
Alternative ingredients are being discussed for this event. "Chocolate chip cookie bakes are an integral part of the coming event, and are hugely inspirational for the participants. Some of our contestants even go on to become successful wives and mothers," said Ms Davenport. "An urgent telegram has even been sent to PGA Captain Darby Willcox, who is currently on 'other duties' in San Jose. Captain Darb has been was so helpful in the past for us. We are hoping he can come to our rescue."
This reporter did attempt to contact the PGA captain in San Jose however was unable to leave a message either before or after the beep.
Missing Pilot, Missing Plane, Missed Flights
By Ms I.N Formed
(San Jose, CA) PGA management has declined to comment on the recent disappearance of their pilot, Captain Chadza. In the week since he went missing there has been little or no news relating to his whereabouts. PGA Board member Lukexcom has been investigating the disappearance but was unable to give us any information.
It is unknown at this time if Chadzas’ disappearance bears any relation to the plane crash near Bonny Doon last week. FAA officials have released a report stating that the crash was a result of pilot failure to follow established emergency procedures and are looking for the pilot with a view to pressing charges related to the incident.
As a result of being short one pilot, local PGA dispatchers are becoming overloaded with flights and the few pilots still based in the San Francisco area are working around the clock to ensure all commitments are met.
Airsick Reporter to Spill the Beans
By N Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) No, not this reporter, rather a local TV station reporter who was due for his first assignment covering the Governors’ election. The young reporter, Joe Noob, was nervous before his first live, on-air appearance, and as a result looked a little green around the gills when he disembarked from PGA Pilot Cmors’ plane in Sacramento.
“He’s a good young kid”, said Cmor, “I gave him a little pep talk and he looked as though he might be ok.”
Thankfully our airsick newshound contained himself for most of his report, although after the announcement his comments may lead his bosses to rethink their plans regarding his on air time. In the words of Joe Noob, “I’ll be BLECHHHHHHHH”
Bottles of Booze and a Song in His Heart
By Whatta LuLu
(San Jose, CA) Santa Rosa is still the busiest FBO in PGA areas. It seems that the competing charter companies are unable to hold up against the indomitable efforts of Darby. With a huge day of flying ahead of him, he was seen loading empty wine bottles into his plane, singing merrily the whole time. It was rumoured that the bottles actually came from his shack at Lake Berryessa where PGA pilots are known to retire whenever this is a “No-Party”. However, that rumor hasn't not failed to be insubstantiated.
Know Bonez About Valdez
By I. Don Seewell, with N.D. Bush, field reporter
(Seattle, WA) In need of a lift to reach Seattle for his rotation of hub captain, Murdock (1148) enlisted the aid some poor schm...er, Tony "Bonez" Peaker to fly out to Detroit (KDET). He managed to wrangle a courier flight down to Salina, KS (KSLN) and then on to Boeing Field. According to ramp personnel, Murdock left "Bonez" asleep in the back seat of his Piper Arrow. It's just as well he didn't return to San Jose, where several of his friends and acquaintances were laying in wait (see last issue of this publication). Maybe a long trip north would serve purpose?...
...yes, it would! Tony "Bonez" Peaker (1192) is one of the latest arrivals to the great state of Alaska. He packed for a leisurely trip in a PGA Baron (sans turbochargers!) and flew northward. Deciding to err on the side of caution, he dropped from cruise altitude to fuel at Ketchikan Int'l. He seemed a little miffed that Alaska's weather "wasn't great". Imagine! Overcast to 5000 and rain below that...the gall of Mother Nature! And exactly which inlet does Valdez reside in, Captain Peaker? He found out after a few passes. I'm sure the dispatcher of this little airport will help him remember (I shudder to think...) "Bonez"...meet Peggy. Good luck...
HopScotch Valdez
By N.D. Bush
(Valdez, AK) Another pilot to heed the call north was Captain Geoff (1071). He obviously needed a break from the hub captain role in Seattle where he was curiously short of help. Tired of waiting for Rick to appear, he loaded his own Baron for the trip. Readers, this is a man who knows how to pack: some Glenfiddich scotch and a half case of Beefeaters. It's all about survival up north, folks. His fuel stop was Juneau, then on to Valdez... where, unlike some, he found the airfield on the first try...
Misadventures and Misdemeanors
Stick M. Upp
(Seattle, WA) Before taking off for Alaska, our man in Seattle, Captain Geoff, had one final misadventure in Seattle. It looked like a “cake run” to our intrepid Captain when he found his assignment was to take a CNN crew down to Mt St Helens for some sunset shots. But, nothing in PGA is ever a piece of cake.
On the deadhead run to Olympia Captain Geoff discovered that his Baron was suffering from neglect and lack of maintenance. To be specific his landing gear refused to lower on approach to KOLM. After a upper body and arm workout the gear lowered. A few minutes later he landed on a prayer that the gear had locked. Post mortem inspection revealed a ungrateful seagull had collided with the gear.
Then our overworked pilot had to scrounge his clients out of a local watering hole. Needless to say the clients missed their sunset and had to be “persuaded” to pay up at gunpoint.
The PGA pilot high tailed it out of Seattle before the repercussions caught up with him.
New Hub Captain Strikes!
By Stryker Union
(Seattle, WA) Newly assigned Hub Captain Murdock landed in Seattle and was not pleased with what he found.
The weather was foul, the work was stacked up and the pilots were no where to be found. Disgusted he went inside for a cup of coffee, which apparently was cold. At the end of his rope, he immediately began urging PGA management to close the FBO due to the lack of interest.
PGA management could not be reached for comment or reaction.
Dateline October 20, 2003
Giant Gig Takes Shape
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) The northern lights of old Valdez look set to dazzle judging by the line up of musical talent currently on the hiring list of the Valdez Ladies Auxiliary Club. The proposed concert will be the closing chapter for the forthcoming Girl Guides Jamboree. Organizers are sparing no effort in their quest to put on an extravaganza.
"We are really hoping for a 100% acceptance to our invitations," stated club President and Chairwoman Ms Mabel Frost-Bite. "So far we have no definite confirmation that The Three Tenors can perform for us but we are eternally hopeful. Our invitations to the Vienna Boys Choir, Covent Garden Opera Company and The Bolshoi Ballet have likewise not been answered however we are acutely aware of the busy schedule these people are under."
It has been revealed that a number of applicants for the gig have been turned down.
Referring to some of these performers Ms Frost-Bite said, "We simply cannot have these types influencing our young girls. I mean, I'm sure Mr Jagger does have a lovely voice but all that talk and rumours over the years. Tut tut and Ms Madonna is a little risque don't you think? No it simply wont do. We have our standards and on this auspicious occasion I think we deserve the very best."
This reporter sincerely hopes that the very best does in fact respond to the ladies requests, after all, the entire Red Army Choir (both the Russian and Chinese have been invited) complete with horses and camp followers would be quite a show.
Me and My No-Shadow
By Ernest E. Rudite
(Medford, OR) Does Groundhog Day ever come in October? Huh. I'll be darned. 'Cause it's been kinda like that for Captain Rick (1114) lately, hasn't it? He'll crawl out of an FBO lounge or the back of some plane and if he sees the shadow of a BOD member or a Piper Aircraft dealer, he scurries back in again not to be seen for weeks.
Well, recently he had the chutzpah to take on a charter carrying brochures down to Medford, OR (KMFR). While there, the impish pixie in him resurfaced. After a cup of coffee in the Medford terminal, he all but led away a paying customer from the America Pacific ticket counter. While witnesses say he verbally coerced the customer away to his own aircraft, Rick thought differently.
"Coerced?!? What drivel! I merely appealed to the gentleman's inherent sense of right and wrong; the morality of the thing, really. Oh! And I was wearing lucky underwear. Well, some underwear, anyway. You see..."
It was this point in the interview my editor intervened for propiety's sake. The story is, however, that Rick is indeed flying again and reported to be in southern California. For how long, who's to say?..
PGA Pulling Out
By Thayer Gone
(Seattle, WA) In a bit of sad news, this reporter has learned that local charter company, Pier Glass Aviation has apparently removed all but one pilot and its FBO operations chief. There has been only one flight in this week, that being some kind of an unknown airplane.
Rival airlines, Emerald Harbor Air, is experiencing an increase in their business due to the vacuum.
Greene Envee, president of EHA said, "We got lots of complaints against PGA. They were always stealing our customers. But we showed them whose king of Seattle. They've run out of town with their tails between their legs."
Meanwhile, long time Air Traffic Controller, Betty le Bounce, affectionately known as "Bouncing Betty" to the pilots in the area, had this to say, "I miss those PGA boys and girls. They were always a ball of laughs - particularly when they were forced into instrument landings in bad weather. You could hear them complaining in Detroit about the vectors I'd give them - for their own safety, of course. It's almost no fun to come into work anymore."
We hope that PGA has not left the people of Seattle in the lurch. We tried contacting senior management people in San Jose, but all we got was an answering machine. Perhaps PGA is closing up shop permanently in the lower 48 states.
Around the World in Dondo's Planes
By Ms I.N Formed
(San Jose, CA) Captain Dondo is off on a grand adventure. Earlier this week he was apporached by a customer who Dondo described as “the Monopoly guy meets an African Safari hunter from the 1800's.” With an offer of undisclosed but likely large amounts of money and the chance to fly many different planes on the trip Dondo is planning to fly around the world.
Sir Harris, the internationally renowned adventurer and philanthropist, is excited about his latest adventure. “I have been planning such a trip as this for many years, but each time I would approach pilots they tended to beg off the trip. That is until I saw an advertisement fir Pier Glass Aviation. There motto it seems is ‘Anywhere you’ll ride, we’ll fly,’ which suited my needs perfectly.”
It is unknown at this point how long the trip might take, or the exact route of the flight, but we are sure it will be an enjoyable flight for all concerned and we wish the adventurers all the best.
Congressman Lost
By N Kwyring-Mynd
(San Jose, CA) Congressman Joe Foghorn was due for an official visit to Beal Air Force Base earlier this week to open a new service department. Due to miscommunication between his aide and the public relations department at Beale AFB he was wrongly informed of the location of the ceremony and arrived at Travis AFB instead.
“It was a long horrible day that never improved,” said Congressman Foghorn. “We drove from San Francisco thinking that it would be cheaper for the tax payer. Unfortunately we got lost and found ourselves at Sacramento Executive Airport. With time running out I chartered a plane from Pier Glass Aviation to get me over to Travis in time for the openening. Our pilot was very efficient and had us there in plenty of time. It was only once we had landed that we discovered that the event was at Beale and not at Travis. By the time we got all of the confusion sorted out it was too late to go to Beale and I decided rather that I would return to San Francisco to attempt to locate my lost luggage.”
Cmor, the pilot from PGA who flew the congressman around was surprised at the mistakes. “I was shocked that the people running our country could be so disorganised. With all the red tape involved in flying into a military installation and the cost of flying us around in circles I could have spent a more enjoyable day doing paperwork.”
Inflation Woes
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) The grim spectre of inflation is looming over our shores since the recent influx of PGA pilots. It appears very little has ecaped a price rise as the pilots pour into town and buy up luxury items. "Their sense of quality knows no bounds," said Mrs Emma Armitage, owner of 5 local convenience stores, the computerised car wash and Dairy Co-op. "They rush in and snap up everything, coffee, pre-prepared pizza and bread rolls, meat pies, 2 ply toilet paper, soap, sunblock and scores of scratchie lottery tickets. They just can't get enough and neither can we."
It does seem a little coincidental to this reporter that a certain Captain Lukexcom (also of PGA) has been very persuasive in his bid for freight charters from the local business owners. It appears that charges for replenishing the diminishing supplies are almost double what they were before the pilots came to town however it seems that other local charter airlines are unable to match them. Another coincidence although I'm sure it has nothing whatsoever to do with this matter, an inferior brand of coffee has surfaced around the Valdez cafes which although incredibly cheap does not seem to hold favour among the PGA pilots. It is thought the import originated from California via the PGA hangar however this reporter was unable to verify this story.
The case of the Missing Airport
By N. Drew
(Santa Rosa, CA) Inglenook Ranch has gone missing. Not the ranch itself but the airstrip that used to be beside it. Bay area pilot Darby Wilcox discovered the missing strip as part of his day's flying in the Santa Rosa area. Having been told that there was definitely cargo there to be picked up, he consulted his charts, picked a decent section of road and set himself down for a landing. Sure enough the cargo was there leading him to believe that there were more sinister workings involved.
After his brush with invisible landing strips Darb proceeded to ferry in the seasons grape pickers, working his way through landings at Sonoma Skypark, Mazza, Nut Tree and Sonoma Valley. All of these airports were in obvious view and had not disappeared.
We will bring you more information on the Inglenook strip as it comes to light.
Dateline October 27, 2003
Aviators fly the Coup
By Thayer Gonzo
(Seattle, WA) As reported in our paper last week, local charter company Pier Glass Aviation, seems to have departed the area abandoning it. Several large birds were to been seen hovering around the now deserted hanger and operations center.
We noticed the Boeing aircraft company has begun parking some of their smaller craft in the PGA assigned area.
We did notice midweek a troop of what appeared to be Brownie Girl Scouts that were loaded into a plane parked outside the PGA offices. We presume they are going to the international Girl Scout convention in Valdez Alaska, site of another PGA hub.
Meanwhile Emerald Harbor Air has seen an increase in business this week, reporting a hectic schedule and announcing a major hiring effort to obtain bush pilots for the Seattle area just before winter sets in. We wish them luck.
Pilot Takes the Heat
By Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) It seems the incorrigible tactics of PGA pilots has reached even to the far reaches of the frozen north.
A lucrative transport contract for heating fuel was awarded to the airline after a meeting in a local bar between two employees of Polar Bear Heating and a PGA pilot, known only as "Captain Bonez."
"I don't know what the final figure was" said a local bartender, on condition of anonymity. "But they arrived at an agreement after the pilot guy pushed a 'few' beers their way. He didn't drink any himself, mind you -- he ordered only a glass of water and a six pack of Panadol. Muttered something about a slight cold and overwork or something."
It appears that, with the tender signed, sealed, and in his pocket, the pilot left his hapless victims to drink the rest of the day away. Neither of the two could remember much about the event, how much of their company's money they paid for the tender, or the name of the airline or its pilot.
Will the heating fuel be delivered, or has Polar Bear Heating been burned? Are tempers flaring at the home office? Will the hapless employees manage to remember who and what and how and so pull this deal out of the fire? Stay tuned...
Arnie, Arnie, Arnie
By Ms I.N Formed
(San Jose, CA) Newly elected governor, Arnold Schwarznegger, has been very busy this past week with his new duties. In fact, it seems to some that Arnie is in more than one place at any given time. With appearances in San Francisco, Sacramento, Travis Air Force Base, and San Jose in the space of a few hours, we are wondering how he manages such an extreme workload.
Sources inside Arnie's offices stated, “We have a very talented staff and are able to alleviate as much of the burden of office as we can. Although it seems Governor Schwarznegger is in more than one place at a time, we can assure you it is just our amazing support team that makes it appear so.”
It seems Arnold also has taken a liking to flying on small aircraft for his travels around the state, obviously a means to reduce spending. His private limousine was seen arriving at Sacramento Executive airport at 1:30am to pick up the hard-working governor. The pilot of the plane, which belongs to Pier Glass Aviation, Cmor, was happy to talk to us about the trip.
“The Schwarzneggers were great! We had a nice chat, talked about things they are up to this week etcetera. All around nice people”
When informed that Arnold's wife goes by her maiden name of Shriver, Cmor just looked puzzled and said, “Wife? Who said anything about a wife?”
Biggles has nothing on this pilot
By N. Kwyring-Mynde
(San Jose, CA) Stories are often told of dashing aviators of days gone by. Flying by the seat of their pants, battling evil Nazis and dastardly millionaires, thwarting evil plots to take over the world.
And then there is Darby Wilcox. Long time pilot with PGA, eccentric Australian, dashingly handsome, and prepared to go anywhere, anytime. (editor's note: These facts are yet to be substantiated and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this publication).
Darby was, as always, working hard in the Santa Rosa area for the wine growers when the emergency call came through from Moskowite. In a shocking repeat of an accident earlier in the season, a ranch worker was horribly mauled in a grape press and needed immediate emergency evacuation to Santa Rosa County Hospital.
Darby explained the flight for us in an interview after the fact:
“I was settling in at Sonoma Valley for a nice quiet night before continuing my charters in the morning when the radio blared with the Mayday call. I leapt to my feet, started the plane and was in the air within minutes. Now, I knew that the weather wasn’t the greatest, and it was getting dark, but this guy's life was hanging in the balance, and I was the only one close enough to get to him in time. The sun was setting, and I pushed harder on the throttles, trying to gain every little bit of speed I could find. Finally, there it was, the strip dead ahead and quickly fading into the darkness. I lined up on the approach and started towards the runway. Suddenly, a clump of trees rushed at me out of the gloom! A quick burst of throttle and I hauled back on the stick! Zooming skyward, clear of the trees, I looked around for the runway. It was GONE!!! The darkness (or maybe a grue) had swallowed it.
"Falling back on my trusty and highly developed navigational skills, I quickly found the road that ran near the strip and followed it to my landmarks. There it was, dimly lit by the final fading rays of sun. I eased the plane down before the strip could disappear again and taxied quickly over to the parking bay.
"One look at the injured man and I knew I had no time to waste. 'Righto son, let’s get you into the plane and be off to the Doc ehh??' I said as we loaded him in. He asked if I was Canadian, which shows he was delerious. His nurse, the rancher's youngest daughter, a Miss Lilly Wite, accompanied us on the trip in to Santa Rosa. She was in quite a state, having only just received her nursing degree that afternoon, but I calmed her down while flying with one hand and taking the patient's vitals with the other, and before long we were on the ground in Santa Rosa.
"All in all, it was just another day in the life of a PGA pilot. Although I do believe other pilots have made these flights recently, I am sure that none have carried it off with quite the skill and panache as I have.”
Throughout the telling of his story, Darby waved his hands in the air to demonstrate the maneuvers as he spoke, giving him the appearance of being highly deluded at times.
The hospital reports that the patient is in stable condition, despite having arrived in a deep state of shock that could not be adequately explained by his injuries.
"Whatever happened after the accident may well be what saved his life," explains Dr. I.M. Brilliant, chief surgeon at Santa Rosa County Hospital. "From what I can tell, he was losing a lot of blood, but then it appears something very nearly stopped his heart for the duration of the medevac, thus minimizing the blood loss. He was ghostly white when he arrived, and looked terrified, poor man. I'm not sure what happened, but it's nothing short of a miracle that he made it here alive."
Miss Lily Wite is said to be recovering from the flight under the care of competent professionals and could not be reached for comment.
Weather or not...
Photo and story by D.M. Witt
A possible clue to the absence of PGA pilots in the Seattle area was seen above Boeing Field last week, when a rare "cumulus attitudus" cloud blew in over Seattle.
Cumulus Attitudus Cloud Threatens BFI
"We knew the weather was going to get nasty this winter, given the pattern of the jet stream," stated Taf Metar of the local Flight Service Station, from which pilots are expected to get a weather briefing prior to flight. "But we hadn't expected anything quite like this. When you see a cloud like this in the sky, my advice would be to take the train, drive, walk, hitchike... anything but fly."
Metar went on to explain that cumulus attitudus clouds are not merely threatening, but have been known to actually swat aircraft from the sky. Perhaps the PGA pilots are not so foolish as they might seem in having decamped for other skies during this season.