News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
July 2003 - August 2003
Dateline July 21, 2003
Arsonist Pilot Sought
by I. B. Pyro
(Ketchikan, AK) Officials are officially seeking the seaplane pilot who left Ketchikan the morning after the town unexpectedly -- and improbably -- burned to the ground.
The pilot, who is Australian and known only as "Chadza", was contracted to Air Waves Charter in Ketchikan during the recent unprecedented spell of sunny weather that had Southeast residents taking to the skies and seas in record numbers.
"We just had too much work and not enough planes," explains Greg Retch, owner of Air Waves. "He was an experienced pilot, and he seemed like a good sort, even if did talk funny. But it seemed harmless enough. I mean, how was I to know Australia is populated entirely by criminals?"
While Chadza did not file a flight plan and his destination was unknown, officials are confident that they will apprehend the suspect within the week.
"We understand that the suspect was flying an aircraft owned by Pier Glass Aviation, which is a charter airline operating out of Valdez and Seattle. We are investigating all possible leads."
Pier Glass Aviation has been in the Seattle news most recently in connection with the air-dropping of cockroaches in that area.
Ketchikan, a town of approximately 14,000 people, apparently was deliberately burned to the ground last week after liquid paraffin was poured around the town and set alight sometime in the night. Despite the general waterlogged condition of Ketchikan, which receives upwards of 170 inches of rain per year, brush and buildings reluctantly caught fire and spread before anyone could figure out what was going on.
"The town had never burned before," explained Trooper Lew N. Forcemen. "Most of these people barely even knew what a fire was, so really noone knew what to do until it was too late."
A reward of $50 is being offered for information leading to the apprehension of "Chadza." Anyone with information on the whereabouts of "Chadza" should contact Ketchikan officials immediately.
State Police on Trail of Crooks
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) State troopers have appealed to the public for information regarding a gang of crooks alleged to be trafficking in unknown substances.
Senior detective I. Carumba told this reporter “These punks are from Southern California, the worst kind. They’d cut your mother up and throw her from a plane given half a chance.
"We don’t know what they are carrying,” Carumbawent on to say; “and let me tell you no one comes into this great state of Alaska carrying anything we don’t know nuthin about."
Having methodically searched all border gates and major seaports, it is understood the search has moved onto airports. In particular small relatively unused airfields.
“We are interested in hearing about innocent looking planes going about their normal business,” Carumba stated. “These punks are devious beyond belief, the worst kind. Did I mention they are from Southern California?”
Further news on this story as it comes to hand.
The Learned Journey Continues
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Fresno, CA) More trials have befallen cmor (1010). You'll no doubt recall his ongoing charter with Professor Jabber and his entourage. When last we left, cmor had taken the group to San Diego via Lindbergh Field.
While waiting to take them upstate to Fresno for the next speaking engagement, Professor Jabber was lost in the airport. He was later found supposedly trying to gain access to a locked airplane. After being brought back to the PGA aircraft, he found solace in his wife's company...and a towel over his head.
If any good news comes of this, it is that the professor's babbling friend Mr Bray decided to stay in San Diego...
Quickly Making It Quick
by Makin Schnell
(San Jose, CA) New PGA pilot Jonathan (I have to do what?!) van de Veen (#1189) wasted no time. Upon joining the virtual airline he pitched right in and started doing his part. First charter was hauling the infamous crate of china to Gnoss. (Ya'll remember that china don't you?) No report on breakage yet. He quickly followed it up with further charters.
He seems to have stalled at Concord though. He squawked a bit upon learning that he had to clean his own plane. Maybe he is still scrubbing the doggie puke from the seat cushions.
Old New Baron, Same Old Story
by Ernest E. Rudite
(San Jose, CA) In an attempt to capitalize on (ahem) capitalism, it's been said that Cap'n Chazda (1160) has aquired a new used Baron to earn a living with in PGA.
The story is that he flew commercial to Phoenix (not sure who paid for that flight, though) to pick it up. (I had better not see THAT bill. The Boss!) He managed to scare up a charter back to San Jose using a stop in Mojave.
It's no surprise, of course to hear that the combination of a new-to-you airplane and one or more adolescents resulted in a twice eaten meal (once forward, once backward).
It did manage to bring a smile to his supervisor's face, although he did voice a concern on exactly who he paid for the Baron and how much he paid. Hmmm...
Check Six
by Maverick
(San Jose, CA) Speaking of quick, newbie pilot Tony (Kick the Tires) Peaker (1192) started out in quick time as well. Soemwhat too quickly it seems. I'll let him explain.
"Well now, that was far different than bashing about at Mach 1+. It's interesting that every traffic alert brings out the urge to pull hard right, go to guns and smoke that pesky Caravan that's stalking my 6 o'clock."
Tony comes to us fresh from combat simming.
Tony continued his adventures and is slowly making the adjustment from high performance F-16s to low performance 172's. The adjustment is not without its pitfalls. We do know the status of the china he delivered. And the wedding cake. We don't know the status of the bridesmaids he met though.
Bringing in the Magazines
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) The newer pilots in the fold were treated to a special site this week. Cap'n Dave (1094) has set aside his ponderous Piper Cheyenne and dug his Cessna 310L out of mothballs!
A group of pilots gathered on the apron to catch a glimpse of the brown and gold "king of the skies". He left San Jose with a stop-over at Garibaldi to wing his way north to the Seattle area.
He brings much needed supplies to the PGA offices, including a request for newer National Geographics in the men's rooms. Glad to have him here in Washington!...
Have Magazine Will...
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) Still trying to tame his own two-engined troubles, Capt Rick (1114) is getting back to business in the Puget Sound area. He recently made a charter run up to Bellingham (KBLI) and managed to run into the nephew of Diane, our grand dame dispatcher from Tacoma.
That aside, he mentioned to this reporter that he may have to speak to the VP of Operations regarding some of the dispatchers' behavior. When he received this last charter, he complained that Walter, the dispatcher from Paine Field actually delivered it to him in a library!
Can you imagine?! We didn't know that KPAE had a library in their FBO. Whatever; it's that little room outside the lounge where Rick said he was reading in between flights.....
Tainted Corn?
by Igot Ears
(Kapowsin, WA) Several people in Kapowsin have fallen ill this week with a syndrome that has residents doing the infamous "back door trot." The syndrome, which manifests as sort of an intestinal flu, has caused the closure of several private and public offices due to illness. The malady may be traced to the local harvest of sweetcorn.
Apparently, this year's crop was subjected to fallout from some military exercise conducted above the town, and while military officials vehmently deny any connection, only people who have partaken of this year's crop have been affected. Unfortunately, not hours before the corn connection was made by local doctors, every single remaining ear of sweetcorn was bought up by an unknown purchaser. Additionally, the farms in the area on which the corn was grown were all bought up and subsequently have been fenced off as private property. No one knows who the mysterious purchasers are, although conspiracy theories abound.
Officials say that anyone who has eaten Kapowsin sweetcorn this season might not want to get too far from a restroom for a while.
Dateline July 28, 2003
Gang Narrowly Escapes Capture
by Snoop Carreras
(Tin Creek, AK) The dangerous, vicious gang being hunted by Alaskan authorities narrowly escaped the long arm of the law early this morning. Acting on an anonymous tipoff, Senior Detective I. Carumba and his squad were waiting at Tin Creek airport for the arrival of an undisclosed aircraft said to be carrying a pallet of unknown substance. The aircraft however did not arrive as scheduled.
“We can’t locate the aircraft or its owner. There was no flight plan filed,” said Carumba. “This gang is totally cunning and devious. They are from Southern California you know, the worst kind,” he went on to say.
Meanwhile, reports are in concerning an unidentified aircraft dropping unknown substance at Rainy Pass and Tatitna very early today. Locals from the areas say it was too difficult to make out what the aircraft was.
“There was something that looked like duct tape all over the registration markings,” said one local. “The aircraft roared overhead then something fell out of the sky and then I heard a helicopter take off,” the local added.
Senior Detective I Carumba has again appealed for local help. “We’ll catch these punks. There’s nowhere to hide in Alaska. They are the worst kind, from Southern California you know."
Officials link Valdez Activities to Ketchikan Fire
By I.M. Gessin
(Speculation Creek, AK) Alaska State Troopers have forged a tenative link between recent trafficking in unknown substances out of Valdez and the fire that burned Ketchikan to the ground a couple of weeks ago.
"We were looking over the reports for the week and the relationship just leapt out at us," states Trooper Con Speercy. "Both involve Australian pilots who work for the same charter company. It cannot be a coincidence that both matters involve Australians flying for a charter company with its main office in California and a little branch office in Valdez. Something smells bad here."
When it was pointed out that most charter pilots smell bad, Australian or not, Speercy responded, "That's exactly my point!" and refused to elucidate.
Funny Folks Continue Flight
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Fresno, CA) It's a little slow of a news day, folks. This reporter has had to fall back on real writing skills. Sr Capt cmor (1010) didn't even bitc...um, complaining about his latest charter, Professor Jabber.
After the last stop in Fresno, Jabber had in tow an entertainment agent (a thin "Danny DeVito"). He seems to think the prof's lecture circuit could lead to big laughs and even bigger bucks.
The good professor's wife was annoyed, until she heard that part. The talk of a future in show business kept the passengers occupied for the entire flight up to Sacramento Executive.
Said cmor: "Pleasant, quick and routine...".
Enjoy it while it lasts, cmor...
Officials Closing In On Pyro Pilot
by Git N. Closer
(San Jose, CA) Officials report that they are close to apprehending the pilot known as "Chadza", who is wanted for questioning about the fire that improbably burned Ketchikan to the ground two weeks ago.
"We're pretty sure he's down here, and we'll catch up with him yet," states Trooper D. Turmind, who is on special assignment to track Chadza down. "Unfortunately, we seem to keep missing him and showing up where he's just been. But we're close, and we'll catch up to him soon."
Neither Chadza nor the Boss of his employer, Pier Glass Aviation, could be reached for comment.
A Brief Time With Briefing Time
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Las Vegas, NV) Does it seem fair that Cap'n Dondo (1087) actually enjoys his latest venture?
He's been on tour as the left-seat man for the restored B-25 Mitchell Briefing Time's flying tour of the Southwest. Since we last checked, he's gone on to shows in Las Vegas (including Lake Mead and Hoover Dam) and the Grand Canyon. He even managed to silver-tounge his way into the cockpit of a classic Stearman. The guy's got talent folks. And some of you said that it's wasted on a guy like him! Sheesh... Keep flyin' Cap'n Dondo!
Dangerous Cargo?
by Marvin the Robot
(San Jose, CA) Whether it's flying pranged up pilots back to home base, cooked company books at the midnight hour, or piddle packs for our boys in blue (were they used piddle packs?), PGA pilot Tony (You Call, I'll Haul) Peaker (1192) is making good in the San Jose area. His latest escapade may have been too much for him though.
His freight was a load of barrels marked with Biohazard stickers. Leaky barrels with Biohazard stickers plastered on them. After flying the charter he was spotted looking with some concern in the mirror for any unusual growths sprouting out of his face.
Don't worry Tony, those stickers were just put there to plug the leaks. What you should really be concerned about is this phone bill with all your charges on it.
PGA Seattle In Turmoil
by Willy Makeit
(Seattle, WA) Things were looking pretty grim for the Seattle branch of Pier Glass Aviation. But relief is underway. Whether it is enough to save the beleagured charter outfit is yet to be seen.
Cap'n Dave, a vice president of the virtual airline, flew up to Seattle to assess the situation and immediately began to take action to streamline the operation.
"He's closed down one of the FBO's," one dispatcher who goes by Walter told us. "One of our prime ones too. You don't just cut off your best operations area just because of a little cash flow problem," Walter went on to say. "He's even shut down our maintenance operation up here. Now tell me how are we supposed to keep our planes running if we don't have a maintenance shop?"
The chief dispatcher for the area, Herbert told a different story. "It had to be done. It hurts, yes, but bankruptcy hurts worse. We are doing what we can to save the airline. And we'll do it too!"
I asked this Cap'n Dave directly whether his airline willfully spread cockroaches over the Washignton State area. The PGA Executive, leisurely took out a battered bulldog pipe, slowly filled it with tobacco, took his time lighting it, tamping it down, ligthing it again, then blew smoke in my direction. "No comment," he said with a wicked smile.
Herbert told us what the airline really needs is pilots. "I have customers lined up. I have cargo stacked up. There's a demand for quality air service in this area, we just need pilots to provide it."
Some help in that area arrived this week when Geoff McLean, a regular flyer in the Seattle area, returned from vacation. Perhaps it is enough to save PGA Seattle Division. Perhaps it isn't. Only time will tell.
Mac The Wrench Gets Hitched!
N.B. Leevable
(Anchorage, AK) In a surprise move that has left his friends and family reeling, Jon "Mac the Wrench" Anderson took the matrimonial plunge this past Friday, diving in headfirst with the lovely, charming, and only slightly insane Carla "I'm not really insane" Strong.
Both parties appeared to be consenting to this turn of events, as they audibly responded "I will" to the ceremonial question without any apparent threats or prompting. The minister went on to discuss the "recipe" for a successful marriage, the ingredients for which Mac pointed out could also be used in soups and stews and other fine culinary preparations.
The day started out with the hotel being evacuated in the early morning hours due to a fire on the floor where the wedding was to be held. Fortunately, the only effect of this on the wedding was a further jangling of the bride's nerves.
Mac's sister, who wishes to remain anonymous, reportedly cleaned up on bets that Mac and Carla wouldn't actually go through with the wedding.
Dateline August 4, 2003
Gang Slips the Net
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) A close encounter with Alaskan law enforcement agents failed to net the notorious gang of unknown substance dealers recently.
"I had them almost in my grasp" lamented Chief Inspector I. Carumba yesterday.
The gang escaped in an unknown aircraft which was hotly pursued by police vehicles down the runway at Farewell. Airport staff could not positively identify the plane or its pilot as the registration was plastered over.
"It looked like something out of Hollywood" said an excited airport janitor. "Lights and action, just like on the big movie sets" he added.
The plane is thought to be of vintage appearance however no one is sure of its make. A WWII veteran suggested it may have been one of those AC/DC aircraft but his grandson suggested he was mistaken with a popular Australian rock band from a few years ago.
Detective Carumba has vowed to pursue the gang where ever they show up.
"What really gets my blisters up is that the leader of the gang, the one piloting the plane, waved at me as they got away. I'll see that punk behind bars forever" he promised. "They are from Southern California you know. No decent scruples, The worst kind"
The Labors of cmor Complete
By Ernest E. Rudite
(San Jose, CA) Capt cmor (1010) will finally get a well-deserved rest. His interstate aerial tour of California with Professor Jabber and company has come to an end. Jabber stepped away from the podium for the last time in Arcata (KACV). Through it all, cmor has been at the sharp end of the stick with his entourage. It ended with the good professor pondering a career in stand up comedy and his wife awaiting a new home in Florida.
The professor's aide, who was "terrified of flying" before traveling with PGA's cmor, is only "extremely nervous" now. How true! After speaking with some of the airline's executive officers, they mentioned how worried they first were at letting cmor fly a company plane alone; now they are only "concerned" each time he goes up...
The Labors of Geoff Start
by Marvin the Robot
(Seattle, WA) Senior Captain Geoff Glad to Be Back McLean returned to work from vacation last week and did so with a passion. Donning his newly made Hub Captain cap and rolling up his sleeves he dove right in, put his nose to the grindstone, kept his eye on the.... okay are those enough cliches for you to get the picture?
The proud Captain is not letting his administrative duties as Hub Captain deter him from flying. (All future Hub Captains should take note.) The Baron of Ill Repute has been seen once again flying hither and yon over the Puget Sound region carrying cargo and generating much needed revenue to PGA, Seattle Division.
Good job Captain Geoff! The only question management has is, from where did that camouflaged Seawolf come?
VTSB REPORT
VTSB Identification: OAC3MTA3. The docket is stored on VTSB microfiche number DMS.
Nonscheduled 14 CFR Part 135: Air Taxi & Commuter
Incident occurred: Saturday, August 2, 2003 in Oakland, CA
Probable Cause Approval Date: 8/5/03
Aircraft: Piper PA-32-260B, registration: N040AC
Injuries: 3 minor, 1 uninjured
According to tower controllers at Oakland, the aircraft made a normal approach and then exploded upon touchdown on the active runway. All passengers and the pilot were blown clear of the aircraft.
The aircraft's flight plan originated at KACV, where it took on a load of three passengers and their baggage. Of particular interest is one passenger, who is a noted lecturer on explosives in the aviation environment.
Inspection of what remained of the aircraft after the incident revealed that the baggage compartment had been completely full of nitroglycerin, hydrogen, and trinitro-toluene.
The Virtual Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this incident as follows:
The pilot's flaring too high above the runway, resulting in a stall approximately eighteen inches above the runway. Factors include the hard runway at Oakland and the presence of unstable high explosives in the baggage compartment.
Back to School with Chadza
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) While he's been known to respond quickly to the call of nature, he's just now learning to respond to the call of duty.
Recently back from a flight (getaway?) from the Alaska skies, Cap'n Chazda (1160) was again winging his way north. He was chartered to fly a Mrs Higgintoe from a strip near her home, Blake Sky Park, to the Seattle area. The intrepid Chazda was only too eager to reply. So eager, in fact, that his first approach to CA57 was too fast and he had to take another circuit to bring the speed down enough for a wet grass runway.
He managed to get away with only a bit of ear bashing from his passenger and gave her a quick and scenic flight to Boeing Field. When told of the go-around at CA57, Chazda's supervisor reportedly shook his head and smiled.
"Well, that's youth for you" he said. "I'm sure he's aware of the Baron's specs to land at 95kts with a 1300ft roll. Heck, we all do...don't we?"
He was seen leaving the FBO with a copy of the Ratheon Baron's manual under his arm, walking down the flight line toward a rather battered twin on the end. That's right, Chazda. School just started early!...
Strange Bird Spotted Over Bay
by Miss Terry
(San Francisco, CA) Two fishermen reported seeing a strange flying creature over the Bay last week.
"I was out on the bay tending my business when it came swooshing over the Bay real low. It looked like a big, bright yeller, bird," Frank Lee told interviewers. "But it twernt like any bird I ever seen and I've been fishing these waters for 25 years."
"A great big yeller bird and sumpin funny on top," his partner, Hal N. Netts added.
That's right," Frank interjected. "It looked sorta like a sombrero, but it couldna been. I mean, what sorta bird wears a Mexican funny hat?"
"An' it gave a call as it flew too," Hal added. "Sounded sumpin like a lawn mower only with a dog howlin' and a person whoopin' added in on top."
"I jest hope it don't eat all the fish. Lordy knows that sumpin that big would need a lot of fish to keep goin," said Frank.
"Or skear the fish neither," Hal added.
This reporter personally thinks that the two fishermen have been dipping into their ice chests too much.
Terror at 8,000 Feet
by Marvin the Robot
(San Jose, CA) PGA pilot Tony Sweating Bullets Peaker has been making a name for himself by flying charters around the Bay area at break neck speed. And he has been doing it with style, I might add. But last week we found our intrepid pilot in great fear.
What could put an ex-fighter pilot in such a state? Bad weather? A engine failure? Nope. He handles those type of emergencies in stride. Crazy AI pilots cutting him off on final? Stupid instructions from ATC? Nope again. Those just make him angry.
Flying two California State Senators from San Jose to Sacramento is what did our pilot in emotionally.
You see, Tony was getting close enough to his Commercial ticket that he could smell it. See the issue at stake yet? That's right, our new pilot only holds Private Pilot credentials and isn't supposed to fly people.
To make matters worse, Senator Good Formuffin sits on the Aviation Commitee. This was enough to have the PGA pilot shaking in his boots. But I must say he carried it off with applomb. The two poli-critters barely noticed his nervousness as he deflected their inquiries about his license limitations.
I just want to add that Tony didn't have a thing to worry about. Everyone knows that politicians are NOT considered people, so he could legally haul them. Heck, he could have dumped them out over the ocean and we all would have been happier. No, on second thought, he would have been fined for illegally dumping garbage.
San Jose Inquisitor:
Scandal At PGA?
by Olly Jimson
(San Jose, CA) Is there a budding illicit romance going on behind the scenes at the notorious, virtual, charter airline, Pier Glass Aviation?
An unamed source told this reporter that there is.
"I saw it with my own eyes. That red haired hussy, Marie, was making goo-goo eyes at Philippe Damerval out on the ramp. Right out in plain sight of anyone who cared to peek around a corner and underneath two parked planes with a mirror and a pair of binoculars," our source told us. "And he wasn't acting any better. Leading her on like that."
For those readers who don't know, Damerval, known as Mr. Boss, is married to the CEO of the virtual airline. The location of Mrs. Damerval is unknown, although she is sought for questioning by authorities in three states. Evidently Mr. Boss is taking advantage of his spouse's disappearance and indulging in romantic dalliances.
"I saw them standing real close together. They must have been kissing," our source continued. "Then he helped her into the plane and they took off. I watched until they flew out of sight. I bet they were running off for some romantic weekend together. And him a married man. Shameful, simply shameful."
However shameful it might be, what this reporter questions is just how safe can the public be if pilots have their minds on secret romances and trysts? We need and demand that anyone entrusted with carrying our citizens safely have their mind totally focused on that task. Any moral perpetration cast serious doubt on the character of such pilots and is a betrayal of the public trust. But, of course, Pier Glass Aviation has never taken its public trust seriously.
Dateline August 11, 2003
Closer Than Ever Before
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) A group of hikers enroute from Valdez to the Denali National Park were struck dumb recently when their plane narrowly missed flying into mountain peaks.
"I was so terrified I couldn't squeak" squeaked Ina Stride, a part time trail blazer. "The pilot just flew on regardless, really close to the mountains, I could hear the noise from the engine thing bouncing off the rock walls".
A much calmer member of the group, Eric 'Bush' Walker, was more retrospect about the incidence. "The pilot obviously has an intense interest in Dactylina Arctica, a family of arctic lichen found in the area. he got real close to some".
When contacted for a comment on the incident, Ms. Peggy, the northern regions manager for PGA, said "arctic lichen?..what the hell's that! We don't allow unknown substances on our aircraft thank you".
The hikers at least are now safely hiking.
State Your Business
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Olympia, WA)Capt Rick (1114) is making the most of his view of capitalism by extor...ah. Our editor has reminded me his dislike of that term. Rick has managed to persuade members of the state's Game and Parks Commission to utilize the services of Pier Glass Aviation as much as possible in the coming months.
As of late, he transported state officials to and from the scene of a contained wildfire in north-central Washington near Omak. Ever hear of it? (Neither had Rick.)
Now, this reporter found the names of several state employees, namely rangers, associated with Rick earlier this year at the local Crab Festival in Portland, OR. Allegedly they were involved in acts of illegal betting. Our sources refuse to mention specifics citing personal moral grounds.
Was the PGA senior captain a witness? Was he involved? Well, he's certainly not telling. Why?
"Sorry. I'm a little busy with this recent work load. State business, you know" was all he said.
More as it develops.
Unprecedented Activity at PGA Seattle
By I. B. Watchin
(Seattle, WA) In an unprecedented week, Seattle's Boeing field was busy with flights coming and going from the Home Base of Pier Glass Aviation. This reporter interviewed some airport observers who unanimously claimed that the arrival of a Cessna 310 started the whole flurry of activity. The pilot who emerged from the small plane evidently carried a lot of weight because suddenly PGA planes were airborne to destinations about the area. The small plane itself went off on several runs, say observers.
One PGA pilot, was said to have reunited a mother and her lost son from up in the mountains. This reporter learned that rescuers had been trying for days to place the mother with her lost and abandoned son.
The tearful mother, who asked to remain anonymous, but is actually Eva Ree Body, said the kind pilot from PGA even "offered me his hanky and likker. I don't drink no likker, but it was mighty nice of him anyhows."
Another PGA pilot - obviously a recent recruit - was seen bouncing down several local runways delivering mail. The PGA colors of the plane left no doubt but that the local office had gotten so desperate as to high mere novices at flight.
An enigmatic name, the pilot, Chadza, was also seen taking off with dozens of cats and dogs. The humanitarian missions results, though were anything but conclusive. Local Vet, Horace Dunkley, said that when the pets were brought to him for examination he found them to be unable to stand and flopped around as though in a hurricane.
Finally, another pilot Captain Geoff, was awarded the dubious honor of "most likely to become a puddle" by local Ranger Sally Umbriel.
She chartered PGA to assist her in tracking down poachers when much to her dismay, "The pilot was twisting and turning the plane so much that I thought I was going to die." Sally, who has been hit by lightening three times in her career as a Ranger said, "I didn't want to upset the poor dear, but his flying wa atrocious. I mean at one point I almost lost my glasses as he landed at an airfield. He kept on trying, poor boy. I'm just grateful that we made it back in one piece."
Sally went on about the poachers she had photographed, and how one photo in particular she was going to make a copy for herself. Seems one poacher had dropped drawers directly in front of her completely unware of the small plane's position in the sky.
"It shows nature in all his glory" says Sally, who then proceeded to explain how her hair came to be so frizzled.
Yacking to Yakima
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) The mover and shaker of PGA, Cap'n Dave (1094) is making himself at home here in Seattle. He's also helping to make PGA's presence felt in the Puget Sound Area again by tackling flight after flight.
His long haul involved a couple of vivacious, fiery personalities. The first was a member of a software company servicing the Pacific Northwest who enlisted Cap'n Dave to take her to Yakima for a seminar.
The second? Why, it was that wonderful Cessna 310L that he used to take her there. Word is that he attracts a bit of attention wherever he goes with that little bird!
The company expressed interest in using PGA's services in the future. Well done, Cap'n Dave!
Mispelled or Misplaced?
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) There was another long haul...I can't seem to remember exactly...hmmm. Wait! I'll ask Cap'n Cazda! (1160) He'll most certainly know.
"Cap'n, where was it you flew the other day in such a hurry? ... What was that? ... Oh, that's right! ... You flew to Victoria, British Columbia didn't you? ... Got that little boy and his mother to that spelling contest on time, did you? ... That's swell! ... Say where was that posted, anyway? I couldn't find it in the...oh. Sorry, Cap'n. I didn't think to look in the Seattle section of this weeks' news! But I'll look there first next time, ok?
Mooney Over Hometown
by Marvin the Robot
(San Jose, CA) PGA pilot Murdockmade a sporty return to his old hometown flying PGA's Mooney Bravo. He was flying an executive who arrived at the airport in a sports car and then boarded our airborne sports car for a fast trip to Santa Rosa.
"It felt good to have a plane with power. The climb to 6000 was pretty quick. The clouds were very interesting as there were many layers. Including fog at times. The plane flies great and I will use it more often I think," Murdock said.
He then took off on foot to look at his old homestead from another angle.
Have Leatherhombre Will Travel
by Marvin the Robot
(San Jose, CA) Proud of his recently awarded Leatherhombre, newly promoted PGA Pilot Tony "Look a My Beltline" Peaker continued clicking off PGA charters one by one. Only now he is doing it a slicker Piper Arrow. (Are any of PGA's planes really slick?)
He was especially hopeful when he landed at Sacramento Executive. Tony wanted to show off his Leatherhombre to the bridesmaids he met on an earlier charter. But true to form, Louie sent him packing carrying another charter.
Don't worry Tony, if they want you for your Leatherhombre, they are just shallow anyway. You wouldn't want to be treated like just another tool now would you?
Dateline August 18, 2003
PGA Pilot Disproves Debauchery Rumors
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Running against a host of precedences, a PGA pilot stunned sceptics and planespotters alike when he kept his hands off a pretty nurse during a recent mercy flight. aptain Cmor, an experienced pilot based in Valdez, was flying the pretty nurse and her patient from Nenana to Anchorage when no outrage occurred.
A long time plane spotter of no great repute, Bo Ing of Anchorage told this reporter that he was'nt exactly surprised to hear about the non occurring incident. "One must assume that he (the pilot) had enough on his hands as it was. One can also safely assume that the PGA aircraft itself required full hands on for the entire flight (they fix em with duct tape ya know) and let's not rule out that he (the pilot) is in fact a PGA pilot flying a PGA plane. We can assume from this that perhaps/probably the auto-pilot was not functioning and therefore he did not have a spare hand to touch the pretty nurse with."
When approached for a comment on this non occurring event Ms. Peggy, Northern manager for PGA stated "Harumph! Our pilots are just the same as any other low payed overworked uneducated swill. Why should thay behave any different? It just proves that the viscious rumors against PGA of debauched parties and late night hotel runners are totally untrue. Its just malicious lies being put about by Qantas and other competitors."
To date, although this reporter has painstakingly staked out local hospitals, the pretty nurse could not be identified among all the other pretty nurses. Therefore no comment about the event is forthcoming.
Shake and Bake at 4,000 Feet
by Teller Rong
(Olympia, WA)Arriving in Vancouver Canada little Johhny B. Good was covered in vomit. In tears the little boy's mother eplained they had had severe weather the entire trip. Fortunately, Bea Good, the mother, had brought a change of clothes. Little Johnny participated in the Annual International Spelling Bee contest.
True to form, an unidentified pilot, but one whom we've come to know as "The Bouncer" was seen bouncing his way across Northern Washington this week. Although he flew a MEDEVAC Titan aircraft, we could still tell he was at the controls as the Titan lurched and bounded into the sky and landed with equal enthusiasm with two neurosurgeans and their patient.
PGA Expanding
By I. B. Watchin
(Seattle, WA) In a continuing move to expand operations in Seattle, a shiny silver painted, twin engine, Beechcraft Baron was recently spotted in the PGA parking area. This new aircraft has been sitting in the parking area tantilizing this reporter. The unknown owner of the plane has yet to fly it. It may belong to one of several pilots transferred here by PGA Management.
Sex Sells Seattle Seaplanes
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) PGA, in their continuing expansion, was recently spotted having a film shoot in the Washington Lake area. In a secret location known to this reporter a large Ampibious Caravan was seen strutting its stuff.
Two daintly clad young ladies were seen caressing the propellor blades of the Caravan in a most provative manner. The Curvacious Blonde and Raven haired girls will surely bring thrill seekers to this small airline. The Caravan appeared to be brand new to the PGA Seattle fleet. We understand that the 30 second commercials advertising fast and friendly charter service will begin to air next week on local television channels.
Cap'n Dave refused to comment, claiming he hasn't heard about the photo shoot, the new Caravan nor the pretty women involved.
Mt St. Helens Heartbeat
by Red E. Tublo
(San Jose, CA) Four scientists from the Washington University were recently ferried out to Spirit Lake where they'll be monitoring Mt. St. Helens.
"This is part of a $300,000 grant to monitor the active volcano to help prevent a disaster from happening in the Seattle area," says Dean of Geology, Paul Marble.
The Federal government is funding research into volcanic activity. Some anonymous sources say that the Department of Homeland Security is involved along with the Deprtment of Defense in a collaboration to increase the military potential of the destructive power of volcanoes.
Iam Dumkopf, a former chief volcanologist observer says, "The boys I see up there are doin' a fine job. I'm sure there's aliens up there just like Area 51 and these government boys would like to suppress the truth by 'studying' the volcanoes."
Cool Jacket
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Wichita, KS) Well, after a truly long haul Cap'n Dondo (1087) is hanging up his vintage earphones for the last time. He made the trip up from the Southwest with stops in Utah, Colorado and a few in Kansas before securing his craft finally at McConnell AFB outside Wichita. He received an authentic bomber jacket from the bomber's era. A great end to a great trip. And that leaves him...where? In Kansas without a ride. A phone call back home to San Jose was fielded by crack PGA staff. Or was it? Come to think of it, who's back at KSJC anyhow? Baldrick?! Maybe someone should just wire Dondo a ticket?...
Whose Jacket?
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Wichita, KS) Quick to pick up on Dondo's plight was Cap'n Dave (1094). He paused long enough in his Seattle quest to change in a phone booth ;-) , appropriate PGA's Lear stationed at Boeing Field and wing his way out to pick him up. Never one to waste fuel, Cap'n Dave managed a charter along the way, taking a family out to Tulsa, OK. Although it seemed simple enough at the time, it now appears that Cap'n Dave has unwittingly aquired a return charter along with Dondo: hippies! Yes, hippies! And we all know from Cap'n Dave's last experience with this eclectic type how much he enjoys ferrying them about. It'll be interesting to see how this one evolves.
Cool Hats
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Olympia, WA) What's with all the guys in Smokey the Bear hats hanging around the hangar these days? One reason might be the fact that Capt Rick (1114) has managed to finangle a contract of sorts with the state's Game and Parks office. He returned today from taking a group all the way down to Pasco to survey wildfire damage. With the dry season still in effect, it's safe to assume that he'll be heading out again at some point. Although he's been too busy to speak with, we can only speculate the origins of this contract. Knowing Rick, he hangs out with the rangers just to get his hands on some pic-a-nic baskets...
Cool Hot Pilot
by Ernest E. Rudite
(Valdez, AK) Cap'n Chazda (1160) is back and in business for himself. Having recently had his Baron overhauled and repainted, he's made the epic journey northward once more. Now, we're unsure of exactly how much time he spent in Juneau, but fairly certain he didn't make a stop in Ketchikan! Smart move taking the Baron this time; they're still looking for that Caravan, you know. Oh, and good luck with Peggy. She'd waiting for you...(heh heh heh)
The Doohicky Connecta to de... Landing Gear?
by Gary Uppe
(San Jose, CA) An anonymous, unidentified, and otherwise unknown PGA pilot apparently got distracted while fiddling with the broken doohicky in the Arrow he was flying, and failed to remember to retract the gear after taking off for what was to become his final charter in the Bay Area. It seems his distraction with the broken doohicky continued throughout the flight so that he neglected to notice his unusually slow airspeed, and so that on the approach to Travis Aero, he went down the checklist and retracted the gear for landing.
In a word -- bummer.
Tony "Bonez" Peaker (1192) got tapped by Junior to go and rescue the hapless pilot, who initially was a bit optimistic about Tony's level of sympathy and mistook Tony's smile as supportive. This got straightened out, however, somewhere between the tenth and fifteenth time Tony went over the checklist with the guy.
Upon being dropped at SJC, the unknown pilot trudged resignedly to where Mac was awaiting him with a crank handle and a look on his face to make a man wish he had taken up a career as a human cannonball instead. After being kicked all the way into Hangar 12, the pilot disappeared and has not been seen since, although it may be significant that the Elbonians were sighted stitching some unidentified material into new bush tires for Mac's latest project.
Cap'n Dave Slips Away
by Slick E. Aweigh
(San Jose, CA) PGA dispatcher Junior was surprised this week as he spotted Cap'n Dave's distinctive Piper Cheyenne taking off and heading north towards Seattle.
"I didn't even know he was in town," the San Jose dispatcher stated forlornly. "I have so many charters lined up, and Cap'n Dave would've been just perfect for a few of them. Like this one hauling the new bonobos on over to San Diego."
Cap'n Dave could not be reached for comment.
Messy PGA
by Anon E Mous
(San Jose, CA) With the departure of the Boss to parts unknown and Cap'n Dave to PGA's northern oops areas, the condition of PGA's headquarters in San Jose has been deteriorating. Hangar floors remain unswept, paperwork is piling up on the Boss's desk, the office phone isn't being answered, coffee remains unmade, and doughnuts are not being replenished.
What sort of operation is this that falls to pieces the moment management walks out the door? It's a disgrace and Someone ought to do Something.
Dateline August 25, 2003
The San Jose Inquisitor
Two More PGA Lackeys Missing
by Olly Jimson
(San Jose, CA) It has come to this reporter's attention that two more employees of the notorious airline, Pierglass Aviation, have vanished. This brings the total of missing PGA personnel to three.
The two new missing people are the versatile Mr. Baldrick and his personal assistant, Priscilla. Mr. Baldrick is the paramedic, mental health counselor, legal advisor, record keeper and public spokesman for the airline. The two disappeared from the environs of the airport three weeks after the CEO and chief troublemaker, Shanya Damerval vanished.
Mr. Baldrick has on many occasions been forthcoming with information on the happenings within the airline. It is suspected that he has met with foul play from the higher ups in the organization as revenge for his past public exposure of the airline's wrong doings. Let us hope for his safe return and the punishment of those responsible.
Girl Guides Home Early
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) A troop of local girl guides returned from their training expedition earlier than expected due to lack of provisions. Although plenty of nutritious emergency supplies were taken on the expedition, it appears there were not enough to go around. First hand reports have pointed the finger of accusation firmly at the girl guides' mascot, an exotic breed of snow dog named Wee McTavish.
“He just ate and ate. We tried tying him up at night but he ate his lead and then broke into the stores. He left nothing including our wildlife ranger guide’s boots.” said Melissa May, one of the guide seniors.
Out of food and with their guides mobility hobbled, they had no choice but to break up camp and return home.
The eating habits of this dog have become a cause for concern. Local Valdez vet Cat Stevens has not been able to issue a certificate of health for the animal because no one has been able to properly check it.
It is understood that an extraordinary meeting will be held at the Girl Guide quarters to discuss the issue. It was hoped that the pilot who ferried the animal to Valdez, Captain Darby Willcox could attend to become an integral part of the animals rehabilitation but it seems he is on PGA company business in San Jose California.
On the Road Again...
by Ernest E. Rudite
(San Jose, CA) What started as a way to bring Dondo (1087) home from Kansas turned sour, according to some. The add-on charter was a group of die-hard Willie Nelson fans celebrating his 23rd annual "Farewell" tour. Not counting on this wrinkle was our illustrious Cap'n Dave (1094). Connecting through Van Nuys on the way to San Francisco, Dondo was in the left seat while a (ahem) watchful Cap'n Dave sat right. Always a stickler for rules, Cap'n Dave commandeered the controls for final into KVNY after an admittedly fast approach on Dondo's part. The leg into KSFO was unremarkable. On an interesting note, Dondo was informed that "bending the Lear" would result in a loss of personal finances and an equal amount of a certain anatomical region. This reporter has seen this ugliness before, gentle readers. It's not pretty. Try to imagine Cap'n Dondo a foot shorter...but only when sitting down...
Bikini Beetle Banquet
by N. Festation
(Ranger Creek, WA) It has been determined that the mysterious die-off of trees in the local area is being caused by a formerly rare and voracious species of tree beetle, known as the Semistriped Seven-Legged Bikini Beetle.
According to world-renowned Australian entomologist Dr. Arthur O. Paud, the beetles are not native to the Washington area, and must have been imported from their native habitat on the Bikini atoll.
"Crikey, they're voracious little buggers!" he stated in a telephone interview. "Sure don't envy you having those in your woods!"
Dr. Paud went on to describe the characteristics of the beetle at some length, including that they are about two inches long and look like cockroaches, except that they have seven legs and eat trees. He also mentioned that there is no known pesticide or other means of effectively controlling or eradicating the bugs.
"Can't kill 'em -- they're worse than bloomin' cockroaches in that way. Don't know how they got off that rock out there in the Pacific, but it looks like you blokes are stuck with 'em!" Dr. Paud stated in a gratingly enthusiastic voice reminiscent of Steve Irwin.
A plan to attempt to control the beetles by cutting and burning any trees identified as infected has local environmental groups working around the clock to help contain the infestation, especially as the affected area is near the nesting grounds of the endangered Great Horned Spotted Owl.
"It would be absolutely tragic if these beetles were to destroy the nesting grounds of the Great Horned Spotted Owl," said Ima Greene, head of the local Owl Spotting Society. "We will do whatever it takes to protect the owls."
Flights of Desperation
By Ernest E. Rudite
(Seattle, WA) Oh, and speaking of bending things? Upon his return to San Jose, Cap'n Dave was rather bent himself when he found his prize Piper Cheyenne 400 missing! A number of facts have led us to believe that it was none other than PGA's chief lackey Baldrick (accompanied by office assistant Priscilla) who made off with the aircraft for reasons unknown.
Instead of having a thrombo, Cap'n Dave decided to work through his concern with a charter. The company Beechjet being free, he carried a group of Japanese high-rollers to exciting Las Vegas. The flight was uneventful except Nellis Approach wanted to make the jet a permanent display on the slopes of Mount Charleston. There's obviosly more to this story coming, readers. Stay tuned!...
Grin and Bear It
by Marvin the Robot
(Seattle, WA) Imagine you are a pilot for a charter airline. Imagine that the dispatcher tells you to fly somewhere and pick up two crates of cuddly bears and fly them somewhere else. You'd think teddy bears right? Well, if you fly for PGA, you shouldn't, and Captain Geoff found that out when he landed at Snomhomish and found two live bears in cages waiting for him to deliver.
Hey Cap'n Geoff, at least they were caged and tranqued. Unlike some pesky Bonobos I know.
That's One Great Big Pile Of...
by Marvin Again
(Seattle, WA) Another word picture for you. A great big pile of ... well, you know. A short dirt field wants said pile delivered. Who ya gonna call? You got it; PGA. Anywhere you'll unload, we'll fly.
And who does PGA call on when there's such a job? The one with the most experience at shoveling it, that's who. Captain Rick Smith to the rescue. And he does such a fine job too. Precisely calculating his weights and balances so as to turn three trips into one. Measuring wind, turns and fuel usage precisely. Piloting with skill, precision and daring to deliver such a load of ... well you know. And no one's there to see it. More's the pity.
So let's have a round of applause for our unsung hero, Captain Rick Smith, without whom we would be neck deep in ... well, you know. Use both hands Dondo.
Hiding Up and Down South
by Marvin Too
(San Jose, CA) Our man from down under is down in San Jose after flying all over up yonder. Captain Darby Willcox, assumed command of the San Jose FBO as Hub Captain and promptyly put his feet up. Then he decided better of it and started flying earnestly, or earnestly flying. Whatever. He turned in an ambitious string of charters and then proceded to tick them off one by one.
What is prompting this sudden flurry of activity? Me thinks it's because he doesn't want to be recalled up yonder from down here. Reports are coming in and his record up there may catch up with him down here. Then he will be up a creek down here and up there.
Busy Down South
by The Real Marvin
(San Jose, CA) Still beaming over the acquisition of his LeatherHombre, Tony Peaker is learning the vagaries of the Arrow.
After flying a pilot who had a mishap back to home base he took on a walking stick, uh, club, walking club, (boy English is a funny language) that flies everywhere. Rusty on the complex single engine aircraft he made several landings that in his words looked like a "one winged turkey in a whirlwind." Tony explained it all away by blaming the weather.
That may work with unititiated hikers, Tony, but it doesn't wash here. Practice some more if you want to see that white shirt. Oh, and a customer called in. Seems, they were a couple of calendars short of a full load in that last delivery of yours. Got any idea where they might be?
VTSB REPORT
VTSB Identification: 3M3T18. The docket is stored on VTSB microfiche number DMS.
Part 91: General Aviation
Incident occurred: Saturday, August 23, 2003 in Eek, AK
Probable Cause Approval Date: 8/25/03
Aircraft: Piper PA-12, registration: Unregistered
Injuries: 1 uninjured
According to the pilot, he had just purchased a PA-12 through an ad in Trade-O-Plane and was flying it from where he picked it up in Sleetmute (SLQ) to his home in Eek (EEK). Weather conditions were normal for the area -- marginal VFR in rain and mist, with winds gusting in variable directions up to 20 kts. The pilot, being familiar with both the area and the weather, stated he felt the flight could be made safely.
Stopping for fuel in Red Devil (RDV), Holy Cross (HCA), Aniak (ANI), Akiak (AKI), and Bethel (BET), the pilot pressed on to Eek (EEK). Upon arrival at Eek, he flew over the runway to observe the muddy conditions, then circled around to make a soft-field approach to runway 17.
The pilot reported that, when he lowered the flaps, a doohicky partially separated from the airframe, tore through the aircraft's skin, and struck the left wing strut, causing the partial or total separation of at least four additional doohickys. One of the newly separated doohickys struck the left landing gear, causing total separation of yet another doohicky, resulting in the loss of the entire left main landing gear.
Given an increasingly critical fuel situation, the pilot opted to continue the landing on the right gear, and reports that, on touchdown, "the entire aircraft folded like a paper accordian."
Examination of the aircraft revealed that the registration number painted on the tail belonged to a 737-400, and that the airframe was made up of approximately 643 broken and mangled doohickys secured with bent paper clips and Elmer's glue. The aircraft skin was found to be a form of paper that had been painted with yellow latex exterior housepaint to resemble the typical paint scheme of a PA-12.
The Virtual Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this incident as follows:
The pilot's inadequate preflight that would reasonably have detected an imminent doohicky failure, the pilot's failure to ensure adequate fuel reserves to account for the emergency, and the pilot's failure to properly execute a soft-field landing. Factors include the missing left main gear and the fact that the aircraft was a cheap counterfeit made almost entirely of broken doohickys.