News Archive
The Really Old Stuff
January 2003 - June 2003
11 January 2003
PGA Team Enters Battle of the Airlines 2003 -- Mission Moon
Ten bold and daring PGA pilots are going to the moon.
In response to an invitation to participate in the 2003 Battle of the Airlines, the Boss rounded up a herd of pilots to descend upon San Francisco and enroll to compete for the prestigious trophy. This year's course takes pilots all the way to the Moon, which is a destination to challenge any pilot. Fortunately, PGA's own Andy "Long Haul" Booth has just passed the exams for his degree in Astro Physics (we guess he had to have something to do during those long haul flights he prefers), and so the team will be looking to him to get them through that final leg.
The team members as they appear on the official BOTA entry form are:
* The Boss
* Mr. Boss
* Lukexcom
* Cap'n Dondo
* Cap'n Critter
* Darby
* Chazda
* Cap'n Geoff
* Long Haul
* Andrew Jones
The adventures of the BOTA team will be posted as they fly on the PGA Adventures forum. New grey hairs will be tallied up at the end of the air race, and the pilot with the most may be eligible for a special award.
Good luck to all, and may the best VA win... and if we don't, at least we'll have the most fun!
New SIDs, STARs Adopted for SJC
All area pilots should be aware that new Standard Instrument Departures (SIDs)and STandard ARrivals (STARs) have been issued for San Jose International. The new SIDs include the "Funky Chicken" departure, which has enough procedures to make the captain look like he's doing the renowned dance of that name in the cockpit, and the "Mashed Potato" arrival, which involves a rapid descent over a potato field on final. The new plates are available at the local FSDO.
Jet Disrupts Horny Owls
An unidentified bizjet on a course between LAX and SJC on Thursday of last week wreaked havoc with Bay Area ATC and local owl populations, as it failed to respond to ATC directives to turn in order to avoid the temporary no-fly zone around the world's only Great Horned Spotted Owl mating grounds. As a result, the owls' mating was disrupted when the jet blasted through the area.
"Thursday was the one night in the year when the Great Horned Spotted Owls mate," explained Guy Inkhakis, the world's foremost authority on the rare bird. "The Owls will fly high up into the night sky -- amazingly high -- and then join together and plummet towards the ground, locked together in a dramatic embrace. It's very similar to the way eagles and ravens mate, only the Great Horned Spotted Owls take much longer. They actually take time during their tumble to preen one another's feathers lovingly and get turned so the angles are just right... which is why they have to fly up so high in order that they get the mating completed before they hit the ground. Sadly, some of them do not finish in time, and so they hit the ground, joined together forever in this fatalistic ecstasy... which, unfortunately, is why there are so few Great Horned Spotted Owls left. Those we have deserve every chance to mate and continue their noble lineage."
The disruption caused by this jet had tragic consequences, according to Inkhakis. Most pairs failed to rise at all, choosing instead to flock over to the KETH television broadcast antenna. Those few pairs that did rise only flew up a few hundred feet and the act was over almost as quickly as it had begun. "It's tragic, just tragic," lamented Inkhakis. "That these magnificent endangered birds of which there are only a few hundred left should be denied this once-a-year opportunity to mate is a crime and the perpetrator should be found and punished." The offending plane did not have an identifiable squawk, and has not been tracked down. Anyone with information is urged to contact the San Jose Crimeline.
Camel Harasses Local Traffic at Apex
A lone Sopwith Camel was seen flying over the Olympic Peninsula recently, harassing local air traffic while apparently trying to entice other planes into imaginary dogfights.
"That guy's nuts!" states Rick Toffin, III, president of the Apex Flying Club, who usually flies a red Beech Baron. "Sometimes he'll be buzzing your plane, hitting his radio button and making machine gun noises or hollering, "I'll get you, Red Baron!" as he blows by.
Other local pilots report that the Camel's pilot also has been heard to say, "WHEEEEEEE!" while performing loops and Immelmans.
The pilot of the Camel could not be located for comment.
Boss Cleans up PGA Website -- Other Projects in Works
I have put in several hours on the PGA website lately, cleaning up the collected diatrus of over three years (holy cow... has it really been that long?) of various forms of business, fixing or deleting dead links, hauling out numerous bags of trash, and generally giving the place a little bit of a face-lift. You might note that the "Bordello Red" wallpaper has been stripped from the menu bar, leaving only the bare boards. The "Looking Glass FUII" wallpaper lives on, however, as do the news archives. Let me tell you, it was quite the walk down memory lane to be going through all the old news archives.
Oh, the Pilot Profiles page was so hopelessly out of date that I have just started over with it, so Mr. Boss and I are the only ones on it just now. If you're so inclined, fill out a new form and tell us about yourself once again.
Another project I have in the works is revising and editing the Barcelos adventure into something that resembles a cohesive and coherent book format. I have it down to about 200 pages of text now (who guessed we wrote that much?), and am on what I think is the final clean-up. Once it's done, I'm going to put it into PDF format and make it available on the site for downloading. It's a lot of fun. This project has also inspired me to take various "shorts" from our forum happenings and turn them into short stories, which is another thing I'll be making available as they get done.
I have to say thanks to all of the pilots who have made PGA what it is... now get back in the air where you belong!
Dateline: May 18, 2003
Welcome to a New Pilot!
PGA has a new pilot, one Alec Taylor, Pilot Number (1166), who hails from South Africa. So Darby isn't the only one with backwards seasons. Welcome aboard Alec. We look forward to your adventures.
Something Old/New
by Rick "Scoop" Smith
(San Jose, CA) In the wake of major domestic upheaval (a baby and a new home), Mrs and Mr Boss have thrown a flotation device in the form of VP Cap'n Dave (1094) to a foundering (maybe just sputtering and couching) Pier Glass Aviation. Cap'n Dave, through no small feat, has pulled another rabbit out of his hat (or perhaps something else, from a somewhat darker place) with the addition of Bay Area Missions (remember those, kids?). They are cleaned up, refurbished, Flight Simulator 2002 optimized, and reformatted to fit the Matrix Game.
Shortly after republishing them he proudly points the intrepid new Pilot, Alec Taylor (1166) in their direction, only to discover the new guy is a Flight Unlimited flyer and wants to fly in the Seattle area.
Oh well, the best laid plans of mice and Vice Presidents...
San Jose Inquisitor:
Meteor Strike at Airport
by Olly Jimson
(San Jose, CA) A suspected meteor made a firey plunge and came to earth today at our own International Airport. Luckily the only damage seemed to be in the dilapidated, eyesore of a hangar owned by Pier Glass Aviation.
Astronomer, Immanuel Benard Blynde, reported that he did not believe that it was a meteor. "The way it feel to earth was totally contrary to normal meteor strikes. The angle it penetrated the hangar roof suggests; rather, that it was a piece of space debris. Perhaps part of an old satellite." Dr. I. B. Blynde is a famous star gazer at the local Lick Observatory
We linked up with Dave Spurlock , vice president of Pier Glass Aviation, and asked him to comment on the incident. "I don't know if it was a piece of space junk or an actual meteor. But I do know who is to blame. And they had better step forward and clean up the mess. Pronto."
It’s A Bird…It’s A Plane.
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Valdez mayor’s office has welcomed the decision by Pier Glass Aviation to incorporate a recently purchased DC3 into its northern operations.
In a prepared statement read by his Assistant secretary the Mayor said “ This decision is good news for tourism and freight import/export. These planes can carry a lot of stuff to a lot of out of the way places”
The Mayor, his personal secretary, the State Minister for Tourism and his personal secretary could not be contacted for further comment. It appears they are currently on a fact finding mission at a remote fishing shack on a lake in California.
Save The Fur!
by Ian M. Greene
(Waldronaire, WA) The Boeing FBO could tell Captain "Killer" Geoff (1071) had returned to duty following an exhaustive 82 Flight contract with the Pinkies.
A call from the eco group "Save the Fur" was first clue something was wrong. Apparently, the craft Captain Geoff was piloting struck and killed an innocent squirrel at Waldronaire.
Captain Geoff's comments were something to the effect "The Squirrel was standing in the middle of the runway. He was kind of nuts, and I'm not talking brains here either. The crazy thing leaped up to attack the Caravan Amphib".
Save the Fur promises to press charges if PGA continued to attack innocents.
Cargo Backlog
by Snoop Carreras
{Juneau, AK) Cargo destined for airfreight has been building up in loading bays throughout Alaska as PGA Pilots currently at the company’s home base San Jose Ca. prepare for dispersal. This reporter found out that the pilots have attended a secret and highly complicated computer course on multiflights and serving in an underground hangar at San Jose International.
A friend of a friend who has a friend with a nephew who it is thought bumped into a PGA pilot in a busy Anchorage K-Mart said “his breath smelled of liquor”.
The State Minister for Transport could not be contacted for comment on this cargo backlog. It appears both he and his personal secretary are on a fact finding mission on a lake somewhere in California.
The Baron of Ill Repute Flies Again
by Ulysses Nohu
(Seattle, WA) After a long and grueling assignment hauling the now famous, little girl rock band, The Pinkies on their US Tour, Captain Geoff "Who Needs to See to Fly" McLean (1071) and his lady companion Joni took a brief break at his retreat in the Pacific Northwest.
But it was a brief break, because the intrepid pair were soon hard at work catching up on the backlog of cargo to be shipped in and around the Puget Sound. It didn't take Captain Geoff long to rediscover the region's vageries in weather.
"I had forgotten all about Seattle's infamous fog..." the stalwart Captain said.
But the lack of visibility didn't deter him. The cargo got through after a aircraft carrier landing at Olympia, a flattened squirrel at an unknown dirt strip and aching backs at Vancover. The pilot claims the sore backs was due to lifting heavy cargo, not the landings.
How Bear You!
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) Local police were again called to Valdez Airport last Tuesday night after reports of a bigfoot monster seen rampaging through the radar operations area. A terrified operator rang for help when a ‘huge black hairy thing’ broke through a locked door and began helping itself to the lunches stored in a refrigerator.
Police arrived on the scene to find a contented black bear munching on vegemite sandwiches and slurping a dark substance with a remote hint of an odour of coffee.
PGA northern ops manager Ms. Peggy was yet again asked to keep her pet under lock and key to which she replied "Pet..what the hell is a pet?…this guy is employed as security”.
The local Police chief was unable to comment on this incident due to the fact that he is in fact on a fact finding mission together with a regular patrolman some where in California.
Scare In the Rockies
by Harry Scarry
(Aspen, CO) Captain Geoff "White Knuckles" McLean (1071) was hastily assigned a contract to convey four Surivival Outreach Program students to Aspen when Bush Flying Unlimited was unable to do so.
The first flight went smoothly in his Hawker 800. However, Geoff reports, that the Grand Caravan was anything but when he inspected it at Denver. Still, he decided to ferry the students on to Aspen.
According to Captain Geoff, the landing scared the students into "... an utter quiet. You've never seen a more somber disembarkment".
Accourding the the Outreach Program management, the landing is only the first sobering thing to happen to the students on their 130 mile trek through the frozen lands of upper Colorado.
San Jose Skies
A Rag Sheet for PGA San Jose
Editor: Chadza
Reporter: Chadza
Photographer: Chadza
Typesetter: Chad... you get the picture.
PGA Hangar Full of Life
What a week it has been at San Jose Intl. Airport. The controllers have never seen such business since before… well since before Flaps passed on. It seems most of the PGA Pilots based at this magnificent airport have dusted off their flying shirts and boots and have gone flying. This has happened much to the delight of PGA’s Boss who is simply knows at “The Boss”, “Its amazing to see so many charters flown in one week, I think it has been that secret formula I have put into the coffee just recently.” When asked to further comment on this ‘secret formula’ The Boss just laughed and said, “If I can drink it then so can my pilots.”
PGA’s pilots are all too familiar with The Boss’s ‘brew’. Some love it and some just well…..are taking a bit to get used to it, like the new pilot who just arrived, Alec Taylor. I caught up with Alec just as he was pouring himself his first cup of PGA coffee. Needless to say he was not very understandable as the massive boost of caffeine burst into his system. When asked which hub he was planning to join he replied with, “San Jose, Seattle, Alaska I will fly them all!! Hahaha.” Fearing for his life this interviewer knew when to stop with the questions and ran.
Earlier this week a rather unusual event happened somewhere over the hills near Half Moon Bay. Captain Dondo nearly had a embarrassing situation on his hands when his beloved Cub succumbed to engine failure. The fearless pilot nursed his sick Cub to San Carlos and dead-sticked in. Initial reports seem to suggest that carb ice is to blame but also lack of maintenance and improper pre-flights may all have contributed. Luckily for Captain Dondo, there was a spare Cessna 172 which he could ‘borrow’ to take back to SJC. When asked to comment about his adventure Dondo kept walking rather briskly and saying “no comment”. Later in the week Captain Dondo was seen to have another charter with company executives. More information on this as it comes to hand.
PGA’s Vice Boss Captain Dave has also been busy in the skies above the Bay recently. I only stumbled across this by accident when I decided to find out who was the owner of an immaculate Piper Cheyenne. This bird has not been seen out of its hangar for quite sometime, so when a scrubby-unshaven PGA Pilot was seen to wheel it out it caused quite a stir. Undoubtedly the most beautiful and most opulent bird in PGA’s hangars; the Cheyenne cruises at speeds comperable to a small private jet. It leaves the King Air 350 behind in its wake turbulence. Captain Dave had been overheard to have said that his ‘baby’ is only brought out when the customer requests it. In this case during the span of this week the Cheyenne has seen no less than 3 flights at time of writing. PGA’s accounts department will obviously be overworked as the money flows into Dave’s bank account after these adventures. When asked whether Dave will ever let another PGA Pilot have the privilege of flying his bird he immediately growled and gnashed his teeth in a terrifying gesture. I guess that means, "No."
That’s about all for this first column of the San Jose Skies.
Until next week, keep them flying.
Terror In the Rockies
by Rick "Scoop" Smith
(Denver, CO) It's been a bit of a struggle for Captain Geoff (1071) and Joni to get back into the swing of things as a line pilot up in Seattle.
You'll no doubt recall Geoff's exploits, trials and tribulations as the aerial chauffeur for the glitzy-glam singing group, The Pinkies.
Recently, Captain Geoff and Joni were contacted to transport a group to a Survival Outreach Program in Denver CO. There he found a dilapidated Caravan and instructions to take the group on into Aspen (CO03). From there, it was on to Telluride (home to first-rate gliding thermals, BTW) for another Outreach group to fly to Aurora.
The landing at Telluride left something to be desired. The landing strut on Geoff's Caravan snapped on landing raising not only dust but a lot of the eyebrows of his waiting passengers. Geoff figured since they're fresh off a program of wilderness trekking, they'd be up to this.
After repairs and fuel, the flight to Aurora was flawless...except the close call with surrounding rock formations and a go-around at Aurora. That said, what else could happen?
What indeed, Captain Courageous... Setting down lightly back at KDEN, the front gear snapped, roughly dropping the nose and sending bits and pieces of propeller into the air and the Caravan's fuselage and wing. Grinding metal on the runway created sparks that in turn created fire.
Reacting with the speed and demeanor of a PGA Senior Captain, Geoff not only freed himself and Joni, but pulled them both to safety just as the craft exploded in one huge mushroom cloud. They were both treated and released by medical personnel. We eagerly await forthcoming news.
This is a learning experience for all the newer pilots. Geoff did it all and he did it all by the numbers. The only thing Geoff didn't do was to post it in the Long Haul forum. Learn from him, troops...
How It Is Done
by Rick "Scoop" Smith
(Seattle, WA) "Do you know this man?"
"Can you tell us where he is?"
"We'd like just a moment of his time."
These and other statements are just part of the latest bit of uneasiness felt around the Boeing Field/King County infields. Reports of balding, overweight men in cheap suits and Hushpuppies asking questions are coming in from all over the Puget Sound area. Of course, it can only mean the FAA.
Just who are these intrepid agents asking questions about?
None other than Chris Morgese aka cmor (1010).
And why are they asking?
It's simple, really. "Cause the FAA knows PGA. And this doesn't look at all like PGA! While a lot of the PGA pilots are just one step ahead of a warrant arrest or a Brazilian firing squad (don't ask), there are guys like Chris putting their heads down and plodding their way through a routine, no-nonsense work schedule.
There are two things I want to point out here:
(1) He doesn't get a lot of recognition for it.
(2) He does get paid a healthy chunk of change for it.
Answer this, Grasshopper...what is the sound of one supervisor clapping?...
Under The Rainbow
by Rick "Scoop" Smith
(Read this like the serials from days past.)
Our illustrious VP of Ops is diving into the thick of things; taking on the most notorious of charters for PGA. That's right: US government officials, the Catholic church and those zany guys in blue from the Air Farce.
See!: Cap'n Dave and the lovely Cheryl (Rent-A-Tendant) transport an All-American senator with rushin' hands and roamin' fingers (for his blonde secretary, that is...)
Hear!: Cap'n Dave and the vivacious Cheryl take a group of nuns on a very high flight! A little booze was flowing? Instead of talking about the Last Supper, they were more worried about Last Call...oh, and no apologies to Sister Betrille, Dave. As far as this reporter's concerned, it was a step up from Gidget...
Cheer!: As Cap'n Dave and the bodacious Cheryl out-maneuver a group of rowdy Air Force buddies at their own game! And after all is said and done, who winds up with the girl? You bet, it's our own Cap'n Dave!
Laugh!: As Cap'n Dave realizes too late that his charter is full of older-age Green Peace activists. Sure, they slept all the way from Las Vegas to San Jose. But did you notice how they all had the munchies afterwards?...
San Jose Inquisitor:
Police Raid Lakeside
by Olly Jimson
(Lake Berryessa, CA) Police staged a raid on a ramshackle structure perched on the northeastern edge of Lake Berryessa last night. They raid was carried out after the local authorities received numerous complaints of noise and smoke from people staying at the resort at the southwestern shore of the lake.
"When we arrived there was a huge bonfire burning and people were dancing around it naked," said one peace officer. "There was some awful smelling meat roasting on a spit. It was like something out of Dante's Inferno."
Resort owner Clarence Huffingale told us, "...this is not the first time noise, smoke and obnoxious odors have come from that shack. It's a regular problem. Someone should do something."
The authorities arrested everyone on the premises. An unnamed source told us that all of the people arrested were from the state of Alaska. How they came to be at a shack in California is anyone's guess.
Dateline: May 26, 2003
Another New Pilot!
A new pilot has been fooled… uh … has joined our ranks. Give a hearty welcome to Skip Simpson (1008). Actually Skip joined our organization (?) earlier this month, but he has been skipping flying charters. But now Skip has skipped right over to an empty Cessna and skipped right up to Gnoss on a charter. Not stopping there, he skipped over to Rio Vista. As you can see, he skipped no time in getting busy. In fact, you could say Skip skipped…
OW! …OW! … OW!
Okay, okay! I’ll stop with the name jokes. Just don’t hit me with that priming crank handle any more.
What’s Up with Rick?
Anyone notice Rick “Spring Fever” Smith (1114) lately? He’s been walking around dreamy eyed. I’ve seen him in the lounge and tried to talk with him. He answered in short, non coherent sentences. And it wasn’t because he was watching old aviation movies on the DVD player either. Something else is up.
He has also been disappearing all day, every day for the last several days. I checked his flight plans. He’s been going to Palo Alto. What’s in Palo Alto that could hold our pilot’s interest? Has he got a new girlfriend at the university there?
Now here he is back, with another dreamy look on his face and a new Piper ball cap perched on his head. Oh, wait a minute. That’s it! It makes sense now.
Palo Alto is where the new Piper dealer is. Rick has newplaneitis. And he has a pretty bad case of it from what I can see. There’s only one cure that I know of.
Captain Rick, take that shiny, brand spanking new Piper Seneca out on a charter. Make sure the charter includes a tourist family, preferably with snotty kids eating ice cream cones. Make sure they have eaten a big chili dog lunch before you take them up. Close up all the vent ports and pipe in some warm air. Find some nice clouds with lots of turbulence and wait for results. That will snap you back to reality, guaren-darn-tee it.
San Jose Inquisitor:
Sacramento Faces Big Loss to San Diego
by Olly Jimson
(Sacramento, CA) The Sacramento Whatevers lost 42 to 0 to the San Diego Whosits in the biggest upset of the season.
When asked to explain the huge loss, Craig E. Peak, coach for the Sacramento University team said, “It was the cheerleaders. They just weren’t into it during the game. They couldn’t get any team spirit going.”
“They were like a wet towel on our morale,” team captain Bert Branes said.
“It was the plane ride down here,” the one of the cheerleaders told us. “We were scared out of our wits. It’s difficult to be bubbly, bouncy, cute and full or spirit when you have just narrowly escaped death.”
Coach Peak indignantly denied that betting had anything to do with the upset. Of course, the Sacramento Whatevers were 10 point favorites going into the game. Anyone betting against them would have made a killing.
Scared Weird Little Guys Tour
It's good to see Chazda (1160) back in the air again. This time, he's not the only Australian in his aircraft. A comedic duo called the Scared Weird Little Guys seems to have taken America by storm, and they've picked Pier Glass Aviation as their mode of transport on a whirlwind tour of the U.S.A. Our own Chazda, being a huge fan, has jumped at the chance to take his countrymen around our...uh...country.
After a sold out performance here in San Jose, they were booked into another American city known all over for its comedy connections: Ely, Nevada. They landed a spot in the comedy lineup at the well known Ruth Copper Pit and Comedy Club. Speaking of landings, Chazda's touchdown at KELY in bad weather was one of his best ever in the King Air.
Not having much of a basis for comparison, what is he really telling us about his other landings in the King Air? We'll be curious to check out the gear and struts when he returns.
A Hops to Alaska
Darby Wilcox (1013) doesn't seem to be out of his element flying north to Alaska. When last we checked, he was cramming and filling every square inch of the company's DC-3 with much needed supplies for distribution to outlying areas of Valdez. He even managed to pay enough attention to 6 pax to ensure safe seating and transport… although only just, since the most important and primary object of his attentions was the personal stash of 3, 25 kilo bags of malted grain and wheat, 5 kilos of Australian hops, a 5 gallon tub of honey, 20 kilos of cane sugar and a large(ish) drum of dark malt extract.
Wow. Looks like you've got everything you need for a safe trip, Darby. Hey wait...aren't these the parachutes that go under the seats in the...oh. Sorry Darb......
Seattle News:
1000 What?
by Telly Auwl
(Everett, AK) Alec "Flyboy" Taylor (1166) was sighted taking off for Olympia with 1000 samoosas.
Just what is a samoosa anyway? And why did the Indians - Which tribe(s) want them?
Hey buddy - this ain't the San Jose Inquisitor. It's the Seattle News and we gotta right to know.
Later the next day Flyboy got a flight to Paine field with the Conference notes. This reporter was witness to a strange exchange of whispers and something like green paper passing between one of the Indian leaders and a senior PGA pilot.
Grin and Bear It
How not to do it:
Captain Geoff "Slacker" McLean (1071) had an early morning flight for some elite fishermen. They are still waiting to be picked up.
How to do it:
His next job was picking up and hauling a generator to Ranger Creek.
"You shoulda seen the durn thing," Captain Geoff said. "It musta weighed 200 pounds! It took Me an Joni, and a bear to get it in the cargo hold. Naw - the bear just provided motivation."
Captain Geoff, I think we need to send you to Alaska. Lot's of motivation there.
"Standing" Ovation
Not only has our own Cap'n Dave Spurlock (1094) managed to get the girl from his last set of aerial escapades, but it seems he's got girls coming out of the woodwork.
Enter Miss Cherry Goodbody, exciting adult film star and bon vivant of the porn business (cue cheesy soundtrack). Dave landed a charter hauling her and her entourage back to her hometown of Portland. Dave has had dealings with her before, and it seems her career is finally on track. Well, at least she's busy. It's not like she just lays around all day...
I must point out that not all of Cap'n Dave's flights are filled with raucous, bawdy drinking binges and porn queens doing gawd-knows-what in the back. No, not at all.
Why just the other day he was approached by an upstanding pharmaceutical firm with some stiff requirements. They wanted to send a group of their salesmen to a convention in Lake Tahoe in style. That's where Dave and his Piper Cheyenne come in. Classy. No nonsense. Capitalism at its best, I'd say.
Cap'n Dave casually asked one of the passengers what drug their company produced.
"Viagra" the man replied proudly.
You're doing a great job for the company, Cap'n Dave. A great job. Just "keep it up..."
Whirly Things
Captain Geoff "Dizzy" McLean also had another interesting go-in with some cargo He had to lift some antenna parts up a mountain and decided the Seattle Bell Ranger was the best aircraft for the job.
A short time later, Herbert, our SeaTac dispatcher took a call. It seems someone was concerned about a drunken pilot swinging that helo round and round.
"He ain't drunk," Herbert told the caller. "When he's drunk he flies straight as an arrow."
Fast Ride to Alaska
It looks like Chris Morgese, aka cmor (1010) finds the best qualities in everybody he meets. That's not a bad thing. Really. Unless the person he's chosen as a flight companion to Alaska is severely lacking in the "best qualities" department – in this case, a balding guy who always wears a t-shirt and jeans. Always. We're not sure if he even owns a coat. By his own (lengthy) admission, married and divorced three times. Oh, and he's prone to dizzy spells and memory lapses. Goes by the name of Fast Eddie. He's going to entertain Chris's passengers...
Hmmm… maybe we better give Chris the parachutes that go in Darby's DC-3...
Zero Viz Shenanigans
After last week's escapapdes Captain Geoff "Blind Man" Mclean once again proved you do not need to see to fly. It may surprise you to know you don't even need instruments.
His trip down to Alder Lake resulted in another irate phone call to Herbert. This time from a local controller who felt that she'd been taken advantage of.
It seems Geoff conned her into giving him IFR to Swanson since visibility was zip. Only, he didn't land at Swanson. He landed at his actual destination, Moose Lodge.
"I had to," the intrepid PGA Captain explained afterwards. "Everyone knows that Beavers have no navigational instruments."
Way to go Geoff. Other pilots take note. Weather is no excuse for not completing the charter!
San Jose Inquisitor:
PGA Convention at Lake Tahoe
by Olly Jimson
(Reno, NV) The notorious local air charter company, Pier Glass Aviation held a secret meeting at a Lake Tahoe resort. no one knows how many attended this clandestine meeting, but this reporter knows at least three of the airborn outlaws were there. Dave Spurlock, Darby Wilcox and a culprit named Chadza, all senior pilots with PGA flew into Reno Tahoe. What nefarious purpose this meeting forboods is unknown; but we can be certain, no good can come from it.
DATELINE June 2, 2003
San Jose Inquisitor:
Pilot Union Forming at Local Airline
by Olly Jimson
This reporter has just received news that a Pilot's Union may be forming at Pier Glass Aviation.
A pilot, who begged to remain anonymous, told me, "We pilots are tired of being walked on by management. They treat us worse than feudal serfs! We want to be treated like human beings. Plus, we want ice cream on Fridays."
Aside from ice cream and humanity, one of the primary organizers - who paid dearly to remain anonymous - reports that the pilots' list of demands is simple enough, and include:
* Regular pay checks
* Decent coffee
* Good donuts
* Regular pay checks
* Better smelling planes
* A proper pilot lounge with comfortable seating, a big screen TV, DVD player, and a fully-stocked wet bar with no snakes
* Regular pay checks
* A retirement plan
* Regular pay checks
Shanya Damerval, the Chief Executive Officer of the airline issued an indignant response to the pilots' reported demands:
"What are they talking about? That coffee is not exactly the cheap stuff, and the donuts are unparalleled. As for the planes, isn't that what they make windows for? It's not my problem if the pilots don't know how to open a window. Aside from that, we have an excellent facility with only one snake (not "snakes," plural) that meets and even exceeds all of our pilots needs while they are on the ground between charters. We also have an exceptional retirement plan -- all the pilots have to do is feed the Kitty and they will be taken care of for the rest of their lives."
Damerval went on to say that she does draw the line at treating pilots like human beings, on the grounds that, "...quite simply, they aren't."
"Hey, back in 1961 we had chimps orbiting the earth, and these guys can't even get past about 35,000 ft! Tell 'em they can come talk to me when they manage to outperform the chimps. And Luke doesn't count because he's delusional."
Pooch of Many Colors
by Snoop Carreas
A DC3 owned by Pier Glass Aviation departed San Jose, CA early this morning bound for Valdez, AK. The plane, piloted by a PGA pilot who's name is as yet unknown, is fully loaded with much needed supplies for this area.
This reporter discovered that a specially bred puppy is part of that cargo. The puppy, a very rare Labrador/Wolf/Malamute cross will be presented by his Honor the Mayor to the local branch of the Wilderness Society Lawn Bowls Club Ladies' Auxiliary.
President of the Ladies' Auxiliary Ms. Mabel Frost-Bite told me, “This animal has very special qualities. He doesn’t drink, smoke or swear and therefore will be very appropriate for training Girl Guides in outdoor activities such as cross-country skiing etc. There is currently a competition going around the Girl Guides to choose a suitable name for our little friend.”
I urge readers to stay tuned for regular updates of this historic flight.
"Fast" Eddie Pulls a Fast One
by Rick Smith, Cub Reporter
Rember "Fast" Eddie Farthing, cmor's (1010) friend that he picked up in Napa? Well, it seems that cmor's flight headed Juneau to Valdez was a little lighter; and I don't mean less fuel. Between sneaking liquor and regaling pax with tales of his flying career, cmor's "executive ossifer" was napping quite soundly most of the flight north. Once landing in Juneau, he took off, promising to return.
Cmor, showing good judgement left without him, keeping his obligation to the paying passengers.
Have we seen the last of "Fast" Eddie Farthing? Have we smelled the last of him? Ask Cmor, as he had to clean his own plane.
Oldies Fly an Oldie
by Rick Smith, Cub Reporter
Leave it up to Darby Wilcox (1013) to undertake a vintage flight of fancy north to Alaska. When last we met, Darb was getting ready the DC3 to transport a very important cargo of brewing supplies...oh, and a few passengers, too. (If they paid, guess you gotta ackowledge them, huh?) He flew them upstate the old fashioned way; the way man was intended to fly: by nav-aids and Morse code. When he put down in Portland, he took on different passengers. Five elderly widows whose husbands had flown in WWII. Wonder why it is that one arrived wearing goggles and a white scarf? Maybe Darby will have a better copilot than Cmore did...
San Jose Skies:
A Rag Sheet for PGA San Jose
Editor: Chadza
PGA Pilot Wins Air Race
The first major event was Dondo (1087). Well actually it wasn’t Dondo himself because I wouldn’t class him as a major event, but it was his antics in the skies over England which has earned him an abnormally large trophy.
Earlier in the week a very suave looking Falcon 50 business jet picked up Dondo. This reporter was very confused as he has never seen Dondo in anything, which has its propellers enclosed by cowling…commonly known as a jet.
Anyway the story goes like this. A few months back our fearless Dondo was in a try-out for the Xtreme Air Racing (XAR) team. By some form of sheer luc... ahh... I mean good piloting skills, Dondo made the grade. Now he has had his first call up to competition, which happened to be in soggy, drab England. It seems Dondo had completely forgotten about this event, as he isn’t normally very good with dates and things, especially important ones! Luckily the XAR team had remembered this and had a pack all ready for Dondo so all he had to do was step onto the biz jet.
Unfortunately, this reporter could not find the funds to get over to England to watch Dondo himself so the following information has not been proven.
Dondo won the race.
Yes friends, our fearless Dondo, PGA Senior Captain and all round nice guy found the guts to take on a P-38 Lightening in his Corsair to bring home the trophy.
When he arrived back at San Jose Dondo was seen to be running to get a tow truck for the massive 4 foot high trophy. Amazing, he can pilot an absurdly modified plane at 500ft but he can’t carry his own trophy. Once into the caboose, with one big lift and few curses Dondo managed to get it onto the front desk so that all of PGA’s customers could see how good he is. After this Dondo was seen running out yelling various PGA Pilots names. Unfortunately he hasn't found anyone as most of the Pilots are out flying, having faced a recent priming crank handle attack.
New Seneca On PGA Apron
For some time now, not since Flaps anyway, has PGA seen a remotely new aircraft stumble onto its apron. It seems this week was to break that trend with a brand spanking new Piper Seneca V being delivered from the nearby Piper factory at Palo Alto. So, who could this beautiful, light, twin-engined plane belong to I wonder? On further inspection of the engine serial numbers the plane was found to belong to none other than Rick Smith (1114).
All this reporter can say is, savor the moment while it lasts Rick, that plane won’t be shiny and new for much longer!
Long Lost PGA Pilot Returns
In breaking news it seems Pooter Pilot (1148) has managed to come back home. Upon his arrival it seems he has made a list of demands that he wants PGA management to deal with. Talk about wishful thinking! One of these demands is that he wants the Gold Bars won on PGA’s last adventure to be placed alongside the Pilots names on the Roster board.
"It's only fair!" the pilot told us. "We suffered for weeks in the Amazonian jungle for that gold. Baldrick told limericks the whole time and did bad Elvis Presley impersonations. We want what is rightfully ours!"
I Got the New Plane Blues
by Rick Smith, Cub Reporter
You'd think that after buying a brand new plane, a guy would get a chance to sit around and admire it. Nope. PGA higher-ups made it clear to Cap'n Rick (1114) that his new Seneca was not a lawn ornament. So taking on a charter for the state game and parks office, he flew a group of rangers from San Jose to Yosemite Park to Death Valley and on to Joshua Tree. Nice places to visit, but you wouldn't want to be stuck there with an airplane on the fritz!
On arrival to Furnace Creek, Rick's VSI went DOA.
It didn't stop there. When coming in from base to final in Palm Springs, the landing gear refused to drop until he used the emegency drop.
After that, they don't come up again until you seek professional help, which he did at John Wayne-Orange County (KSNA). An overnight stay provided him with the answer to his problems: gremlins. (Seems there have been a case of them going around PGA Senior Captains. Management has suggested innocluations and diet changes for the senior staff until further notice).
He managed a charter back north by swinging out to the lovely isle of Catalina to pick up (of all people) a member of PGA's rival charter service. He brought the...gentleman...and his lovely new bride back up to San Jose in style. After having enough of the...gentleman's...back-seat flying, Rick learned that the rudder response in his new Seneca is lightning quick and may catch pasengers unprepared if not seated and buckled securely. (Looks like he caught his chin on a cheese grater). Good information to know on future flights...
Local Resort Buzzed by Aircraft
by Buzz S. Lott
Rumors are circulating that a local charter pilot, "Flyboy" (1166) has been making an awful lot of low and slow flights over both Apex and Lake Cushman, where scantily-clad sun bathers abound, and that the telltale flash of a camera lens has sparked the wrath of many local inhabitants. An anonymous source inside local charter airline, Pier Glass Aviation, insisted that the pilot was called in before "the Boss" - even though this reporter has confirmed that "The Boss", Shanya Damerval, was nowhere in the Washington area at the time. Unfortunately, we have been unable to obtain copies of these elusive and, some might say, revealing pictures.
Local Executives Buzzed
by Buzz S. Lott
In other aircraft news, several execs from Intel were rushed to Vancouver, BC for some "high level" talks. When the Intel execs returned to their retreat up at Moses Lake, local reporter, Don T Seeum, reported the execs' ties were askew. Otherwise, they were totally plastered and spent the first 20 minutes on the ground enquiring as to the whereabouts of one Miss "Boom Boom" LaRue. PGA verteran pilot, Captain Geoff, would give no comment as to why the execs were feeling so frisky. Seeum was unable to find out what the meeting was about and what Intel might be celebrating, but will be pursuing the story to its end. Stay tuned.
Local Airport Buzzed
by Buzz S. Lott
An anonymous source from the State Police told this reporter that a Medevac from Lester State to Tacoma International nearly turned deadly as the chopper went decidedly out of control as it attempted multiple landings at Lester in unexpectedly chaotic winds.
"At one point I was sure the rotors were gonna hit the trees on the south side of the drop zone. Everyone hit the ground. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to get another helo out here to transport the victim"
The Medevac ultimately was completed successfully with the helo landing safely and smoothly at Tacoma International. The victim, despite being several shades greener than when he departed Lester State, is reported as being in stable condition, physically, but unstable mentally after his Medevac.
Trophy Disappears!
The trophy that Dondo (1087) brought back from England for winning the Xtreme Air Racing competition has disappeared.
"I left it on the Boss' desk in the caboose," Dondo told us. "It was so freaking huge, I didn't think anyone would be able steal it."
Anyone knowing the whereabouts of the dingus should contact Dondo.
What? Gremlins Again?
by Rick Smith, Cub Reporter
I happen to know that many of you have been following the exploits of our own Cap'n Dave (1094). For those who haven't been "keeping up" on things (sorry...Viagra humor):
On his last flight, Cap'n Dave was landing in Reno and got a fire warning for the starboard engine. Nothing that "a few days and a few thousand dollars" couldn't fix. Or did it? Inpectors found no fire and no fault. (gasp!) Gremlins...
He managed to scare up a charter in a rock band that was through playing Reno and wanted to get back home to Santa Rosa. He departed with the band and a tanned and rested Cheryl (insert wolf whistle here). The brief flight to KSTS was marred only by the return of the (gasp!) Gremlin, once again setting of the fire alarm in the starboard engine.
Not being one to stretch a streak, he decided that his next long haul would be in the Beechjet, transporting more Air Farce brass. Just the thing for tanned and rested Rent-A-Tendent, eh Dave?...
San Jose Inquisitor
Value of Gold Drops Locally
by Olly Jimson
A sudden influx of gold on the local market has caused the price of the precious metal to drop precipitously. Authorities are looking for the person or persons responsible for the sudden influx.
One suspect is a scruffy looking man, with a beard and long hair who was spotted driving up to Meltin' Stuff Inc on a Harley Davidson motorcycle.
"He dismounted and unwrapped a large package that was tied to the sissy bar on the bike," one witness told us. "It looked like some garishly huge, golden trophy. It was ugly as sin and had to come from out of the country."
Authorities want to know the source of the sudden influx of gold. "The only way this much gold could have arrived on the local market is illegally," Martin Edward Smart, a well known economic professor at Berkley University told us. "Gold derives its value from its rarity. There is only so much around at a particular time and where it is tightly controlled. This much showing up at one time had to come from an uncontrolled source," Dr. M. E. Smart explained.
Comedy Mystery Tour Continues
by Rick Smith, Cub Reporter
Ely, NV; Boulder, CO; Wichita, KS; Columbia MO; Louisville, KY; Carleston WV...
What do these things have in common? They're the latest cities to be visited by the Australian comedy duo by SWLG (Scared Wierd Little Guys). And by their pilot, PGA's own Chazda (1160).
Where haven't they been? Where aren't they going? Only time will tell. Capt. Chazda's been flying his tail off (that...doesn't sound pretty, does it?) for the company and we're looking forward to hearing from him again.
Now, what's this about a squirrel?. Better hope it doesn't offend Daisy, our resident hedgehog!
Supervisors' Desks Disappear
PGA supervisors returning from flights may have been a bit surprised this week to discover their desks missing from the various niches they had managed to carve out for themselves throughout the PGA facility, aka the forums. The Boss, in an unprecedented housekeeping move, summarily packed up and deported all supervisor offices to parts unknown.
"Face it, the place was getting way too cluttered, and nobody was using them anyway. Well, except Rick, who liked to use the microwave in his desk to heat up Chinese leftovers for his lunch. Anyway, the fewer comfy places there are for pilots to sit, the less time they'll spend on the ground. Which is as it should be."
When he found about the cleaning rampage the Boss was on, Cap'n Dave made a long distance phonce call from Las Vegas to reassure himself of something. It seems he had left the remains of a bottle of 50 year old single malt in the bottom drawer of his desk.
"It was a gift from Mac and I wanted to savor every last drop of the ambrosia," Cap'n Dave told us.
The Boss had of course rifled the drawers before dispossing of the desks and found the rare Scotch. It is now in her tender loving clutches.
When asked how he felt about the unilateral vanishing of his desk, PGA supervisor Lukexcom responded with a heartfelt, "Huh?"
DATELINE June 9, 2003
Female Pilot Decks Dexter's Girl
by Kicker Tale
(Olympia, WA) A female pilot punched and kicked Dexter's barfly, Mary Jane, twice. Mary Jane was apparently soliciting some sort of business arrangement with the PGA pilot's copilot. When pressed for the type of business, Mary Jane would only say it was for "a quick turn-around type of business".
As everyone knows Dexter's Bar and Grill is famous for it's good country cookin' and guys and gals. Senior PGA management were surprised to hear this, as the only known PGA female pilot is the CEO.
Totalers in Total Snit
by N. Style
(Whidbey Island, WA) Mrs. T. Totaler, of Whidbey, called the Seattle News Business Bureau complaining of inadequate arrangements that were provided by PGA. It seems the Totalers and friends were to fly from Whidbey to Sequim to spend a day at the horse races. Mrs. Totaler had presumed that the flight would be aboard one of the firms executive jets. Dispatcher, Herbert, of PGA, responded that no jet could land or take off at the small airfields.
"People think that jets are the only way to travel. We gave them our spiffiest Caravan," the Dispatcher said.
The Totaler's returned home by having their chauffeur pick them up later in the evening.
Nude Photos Bare All
by Nota Blonde
(Seatle, WA) This reporter has obtained exclusive access to the photographic talents of a pilot named "flyboy". One photo reveals Ima Blonde in all her glory, proving that she is truely a blonde.
Other photos, blurred, out of focus, or lacking distinguishing features are being examined by Seattle Vice Detective, Getem.
Getem a veteran of 35 years in Vice says "I know vice when I see it. These photos are truely shocking. We'll get flyboy, whoever he is and all these in the photos too."
The fact that one way bookings at Seattle's major airports spiked shortly after the broadcast of the Getem interview was sheer coincidence,.
Local School Wins Contest
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) A local Valdez school for wealthy people’s girls has come up trumps in the Name Our Puppy Contest. The girls from Lady Gwinnevire DeVierre’s School for the Affluent entered the winning contribution to this popular quest.
The rare especially bred puppy which is being imported by the Wilderness Society Lawn Bowls Ladies Auxiliary for Girl Guide training is henceforth known as ‘Wee McTavish’. The girls have won the privilege of personally welcoming Wee McTavish on his arrival in Valdez, A $100 shopping voucher at the Gwinnevire DeVierre Young Ladies Uniform Boutique and a mystery flight generously donated by Ms.Peggy, local PGA manager.
It is understood Wee McTavish is currently flying northward high above Canada enjoying the historicalness of this historic occasion.
Local Dignitaries Return Home
by Snoop Carreras
(Valdez, AK) A gaggle of local heads of departments arrived back from various fact-finding missions in California recently. The surprise unannounced arrival by PGA corporate jet surprised everyone.
“One minute they wuzn’t there and next minute they wuz!” said a surprised airport janitor. “I’ve bin doin this job for nigh on 45 years and never seen the like. They just arrived, just like that. Wooo boy, what a surprise.”
This reporter took it upon himself to actually contact Pier Glass Aviation to find out more. I was cordially greeted by a recorded message advising me that ‘Anywhere you’ll ride, we’ll fly’. Snoop Carreras, signing off, surprised and none the wiser.
San Jose Inquisitor
Local Pilot Wins Contract
by Olly Jimson
(San Jose, Ca) A local pilot who goes simply by the name of Dondo has won a surprising contract. A group who flies a historical, WW2 vintage B-25 bomber has asked him to fly the restored plane on its US tour. The B-25 gained fame in WW2 when it flew off the deck of the USS Hornet to make the "Doolitle Tokyo Raid".
"I was in total disbelief," the pilot told us. "I just couldn't believe it could be true. It was just unbelievable."
We find it difficult to swallow as well, since that pilot flies for the notorious Pier Glass Aviation, a local charter company.
Lukexcom's Long Haul Lulu's
After arriving with the company Beechjet from Alaska, Lukexcom (1039) was stopped on the GA ramp at San Jose because of an ambulance in his path. Without a word, medical staff loaded a patient on a stretcher and informed him he was the only thing between this man and certain death. Of course, Lukexcom was shocked. That is until they mentioned a hefty fee and his capitalistic sense kicked in.
"Can you get him to Denver in four hours," they asked.
"Denver it is. I'll get him there in under three...".
Our intrepid pilot managed to scare up some business in Denver with a British pax who needed a lift to El Paso. A business trip? Harmless? After landing and kicking back for rest, Luke was awakened by a disturbing phone call and later met by the same British gentleman. This time the gentleman was bleeding and frantic!
Taking all of this in stride, (or oblivious to it as the case may be) Luke quickly and quietly departed El Paso and flew off to Seattle.
The man hinted he may need PGA's services in the future. Hmm... If any of you pilots hear of a bizjet charter, throw Luke a bone. We like to keep him where we can see him.
More Bizjet Business
The Beechjet saw quite a bit of air lately. It was used by Cap'n Dave (1094) and Cheryl the Rent-A-Tendant to ferry some Air Farce generals to Nellis. It then went on a quick trip out to Bryce Canyon, UT to collect Senator Nuon and his "attendant" (dunno if she rents daily or just by the hour...).
While the pax were impressed with a company jet, they were not impressed to find that Cap'n Dave's personal plane was more impressively appointed. They kept Cheryl hopping through the entire flight back to KSAC, where he happily bid them adieu.
He had more important things to do. More important than hauling military brass or government bigwigs? Yep. He flew Louie (our KSAC dispatcher) down to KSJC for a meeting with the Boss. Much more important than people that handle our country's security. But they don't do it with a priming crank handle.
Pilatus Pilots
Have you had a chance to fly our newest addition, the Pilatus PC-12? If not, ask cmor (1010) how she handles. He recently had a chance to take it from Portland to Eureka, CA. He had six lumber executives onboard. He was warned under penalty of assault with a deadly...crank handle...that there WILL NOT be any damage to that aircraft upon it's arrival in KACV.
Ever been more afraid of pain and living through it versus death? Ask cmor; he knows...
Pilatus Plots
Herbert received a desperate call from Portland, OR this week. It seems Cap'n Dave and Baldrick were out in the newly refurbished Pilatus PC-12. They had taken the plane on a "test flight" to Portland. While they were inside getting lunch someone "stole" the plane.
"That's funny," Herbert said. "'cause cmor just called in in to say he was taking a PC-12 from Portland to Eureka. I was wonderin' how the Pilatus got there."
Cap'n Dave was so relieved that the plane was not in fact stolen, that he decided to forgive cmor for leaving him stranded in Portland. That is until after he paid for his and Baldrick's commercial flight back. That particular "hundred dollar hamburger" trip cost cost Cap'n Dave a bit more than $100. I wonder what it'll cost cmor?